


Just a Few Broken

by cbjen



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-15
Updated: 2014-10-10
Packaged: 2018-02-13 08:04:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 56,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2143329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cbjen/pseuds/cbjen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the Normandy and her crew come upon a mysterious ship thought to have vanished before first contact, they find an impossible girl aboard who sets them on a dangerous collision course with some old enemies. Set five years after ME3's "good" destroy ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Magellan

A routine mission. Why was it always the routine missions that went a bit sideways? Joker Moreau sat in the cockpit of the Normandy, checking his sensors again as they weaved through the asteroid belt of the Sol system. The Normandy was supposed to be running some basic checks of her flight capability while training a few newly assigned enlisted. But, if his hunch was right, that was about to come to an abrupt halt.

He brought the Normandy in for a visual check and let out a little bark of a laugh. Oh yeah, the training mission had gone out the airlock all right.

"Uh, Major, you're gonna wanna see this." 

"Joker, are we stopping?" Shepard's heavy footfall echoed up the bridge as she quickly closed the distance between the galaxy map and the cockpit. She put a hand on the back of his chair. "Joker, what – oh."

Joker almost laughed. There was something admittedly very comical about the great Commander Shepard – Major Shepard, whatever – being blind sighted by something as simple as a derelict ship. But, it was not every day you stumbled upon one that was almost a century old and surrounded in a whole mythology of conspiracy theories. 

Joker had to admit, the big girl was elegant. She was a massive cargo freighter, sure, but her turn-of-the-century design had some style. Her smooth lines were interrupted by a few dents and her paint job had gone to shit, but all of that was pretty par for the course after being bombarded by rocks for seventy years. There was a haunted sexiness to her, although that was probably a thought Joker should refrain from voicing on the bridge.

Then, the faint lettering at the side came under the Normandy's lights. Magellan. 

"Whoa," Shepard whispered, seeing it at the same time. Even she had to know the story behind the infamous ship. "The Magellan? Wasn't that the ship that disappeared on its way to Mars? To one of the first colonies?"

"Yeah, but that's not even why I pulled alongside," Joker said, pulling the most interesting data stream on his console into full view. "I mean, I would have anyway, but look. There's a life sign aboard her."

"Pirates?" Shepard asked from behind him. 

"No. I mean, maybe _a_ pirate. But, it's just one signal. And there's no one docked with her." 

"Alright, bring her in nice and easy. Keep the stealth drives engaged," Shepard commanded. Then she was calling over the comm, "Get the shuttle ready. We're making an unscheduled stop. Garrus? Kaidan? Head down to the hangar bay. We've got a little mystery to take care of." 

Garrus's voice piped into the room. "Finally. This whole being normal soldiers thing was getting just a little bit old. Where's a Reaper when you need one? Hell, I would just settle for some unruly krogan. Speaking of–" 

"Not talking about it," Shepard cut him off. 

Joker stifled back a chuckle. Ah, yes. The Council had _requested_ that Shepard help out at a Turian-Krogan peace summit in a few weeks. No matter how much she tried to outrun them, those bastards always had a way of roping her into politics. This time around, the Primarch himself had requested Garrus attend. Even Garrus, horrible example of a Turian that he was, had not been able to turn Victus down. Shepard was decent enough to tag along – a fact the Council had surely been relying on – so they were headed to Palaven soon enough. 

That did not mean the Commander had to be happy about it. She had made that fact abundantly clear to anyone unlucky enough to stand near her for more than five minutes. 

The Magellan still had power routing through her vital systems, leaving Joker to wonder for a moment what the hell had happened. A cargo ship carrying some of the first interplanetary colonists did not just decide to chill out in the asteroid belt without something going terribly wrong. But, there were no signs of a nuclear meltdown or hull breach. The virtual intelligence piloting the ship had just gone offline, as had its life support and communication systems. 

Crap. There were thousands of colonists on board. Shepard's heading into a graveyard. 

The thought sent shivers down his spine. He started digging through the data, looking for an emergency broadcast or any evidence of who was on board. But the absence of data on either was conspicuous. There were no other functioning ships anywhere nearby. So who the hell was alive down there? 

The boarding party headed out through the airlock, and Joker turned to follow the video feed from their helmet-based cameras. The derelict ship was almost silent except for the sound of the crew breathing inside their helmets. He could hear the dull clunking of magnetic boots engaging and disengaging, as well. Without an element zero core, the ship had never experienced artificial gravity, and Joker found himself grateful for that. The rhythmic noise was sort of comforting among the otherwise horror vid-like setting. Joker watched as their torch beams illuminated narrow, unimpressive corridors. The Magellan was a cargo ship, not built for wandering passengers. Of course, her cargo had been people in cryostasis. 

"Joker, any movement from that signal?" Shepard asked. 

He checked the console again, but the life sign was in the exact same position. Was it some kind of glitch? 

"Negative, Shepard. I've updated your nav point. You're not far."

"Okay, everyone just keep alert," Shepard said, raising her assault rifle in the vid. "Who knows what the hell we're dealing with." 

"You know, with our luck, my credits are on a rachni," Garrus joked. "It seems every time a routine mission goes to hell, it's a damn spider." 

"And here I was hoping that Shepard actually wiped them out," Kaidan said, sweeping a side corridor with the light from his Omni-tool. Nothing. 

"And you weren't even there when the reapers brought them back from the dead," Garrus said dryly. "You know, Shepard, I think that was just to get under your skin." 

"Man, I watched the vids. That was one hell of a fight," Kaidan said. Joker chuckled as Shepard's heart rate spiked up a smidge in annoyance. "How's Grunt doing by the way?" 

"I think I liked it better when they weren't talking to each other," Shepard muttered into her helmet.  Joker let out a little laugh that he hastily covered with a cough. He had been pretending for years, after all, to be oblivious their rivalry. Shepard's previous relationship with Kaidan had never exactly been public, given how it was against regulation. Joker was not about to break his façade of the clueless pilot now. 

Shepard made a signal to quiet them and pressed against a doorway. "We're almost there. The signal's coming from this main cargo hold." 

"Last I heard," Garrus mock-whispered, "he got some poor krogan girl pregnant." 

Joker laughed in earnest now, hoping that Garrus was joking. The idea of their little tank baby doing, well, _that_ was disquieting. Shepard shushed all of them again, and Joker was willing to bet she was rolling her eyes. _That's what we really need. Not updated gear that would let us know what the hell this life sign is. No. Eye-rolling sensors._  

"Come on, Shepard," Garrus said seriously. "Whatever it is, there's only one of them." 

"Yeah, and it's small. Or, at least it's human-sized," Joker added helpfully. "I don't think there's anything that size that could take on the great Captain Shepard in a fight. I mean, you took down a yahg. With your fists." 

Joker saw through her vid feed that Shepard was shaking her head dramatically. _Seriously. Eye-rolling sensors. I'll file the patent myself._ She flagged Garrus and Kaidan through the doorway, leading the team with her assault rifle drawn. 

"You know, the Rachni weren't much bigger than humans. I still wouldn't want one of them to get the jump on me," she said. The team slowly moved through the room, which looked more like an archive than a cargo bay. There were huge towers of containers every few feet, reaching up to the high ceiling. Joker realized what they were before anyone else did, if the even vital signs on their monitors were anything to go by. Eventually, Shepard's onboard computer indicated they were right next to the life sign. 

"And, it's a wall," Shepard groaned. "Joker, check your systems again. Are you sure about this?" 

Joker swallowed the hard lump in this throat as he realized what they were looking at. That was impossible. The laws of physics – it had to be a glitch. Right? 

"The signal – Shepard, the signal's coming from inside that life pod."

 

* * *

 

Everything was just white. Blinding, retina-searing white. Kaya tried to open her eyes but immediately shut them against the pain. She tried to remember where she was, but her world was in a haze. Her entire body felt heavy, like her cells themselves had been filled with lead. It stretched against her very membranes, protesting the tiniest movements. Protesting gravity itself. 

No one mentioned coming out of cryo felt like the world's worst hangover. 

The realization hit her like a blow to the head. Cryo. It seemed like just moments ago the pod was closing. It was warm and safe, much more comfortable than she was expecting. All the training classes had warned them of claustrophobia, but Kaya felt more like a child in a cocoon of blankets. That feeling was certainly gone. Was it already time to wake up? Were they really – she felt giddy at the prospect – were they really on another planet? 

"Mom?" Kaya was surprised at how weak her voice sounded, cracking and unable to rise above a whisper. It hurt to speak. Hell, it hurt just to take the tiniest breath. Something was very wrong. Waking up out of cryostasis was supposed to be disorienting, but it was not supposed to hurt. 

Kaya heard a woman say something, but her voice was difficult to make out. She did not dare open her eyes against the bright lights. More discussion followed, and someone's hand was on her shoulder. It was so loud. Far too loud. Kaya tried to tell them all to shut the hell up, but she could not breathe. She tried to breathe in, and her chest collapsed under the effort. 

Oh god, she couldn't breathe.

 

* * *

 

"What the hell just happened, Miranda?"

Miranda Lawson was checking vital signs, making sure the sedative was working properly. She wore a porcelain mask of professionalism, but Shepard could see concern behind the projection of calm.

"It reminds me of the first time you woke up, Shepard." _Let's not talk about that._ "She isn't ready yet. Her tissues were extremely damaged. Not as much as yours, of course. Still, she started going into shock. That life pod was never designed to sustain cryostasis for so long. This is going to take more time than I thought." 

"But you can do it, right?"

"Of course, Shepard. I brought you back from the dead," Miranda said with a confident smile. "This isn't nearly as dramatic."

Kaidan was leaning against the back corner of the room, arms crossed and looking thoroughly uncomfortable. He had never been a big fan of hospitals, since the war. "Did you hear what she said?" he said quietly.

Shepard nodded, looking at the damaged girl. She could not be older than eighteen, although Miranda's programs were having a difficult time pinning down her biological age. She was bandaged from head to toe, hiding the fact that her skin was almost entirely new. Her life pod had just barely kept her alive, but every "non-vital" system, as Miranda put it, had been allowed to shut down. Shepard doubted this girl would think her eyes or intestines were non-vital.

"I don't remember ever reading about kids being sent to the early colonies," Shepard said.

"They weren't," Miranda said, checking something on her Omni-tool. "At least, not officially. But, then again, the Magellan officially suffered a catastrophic hull breach and was salvaged six months after it set out from Earth."

"Any word from the Alliance on this, yet?" Kaidan asked. "And any word on that chemical in her nervous system? Did the other colonists have symptoms like that?"

"No on both counts," Liara said, looking over some data streams. "The systems aboard the Magellan were wiped, and all of the Alliance records regarding it are heavily encrypted. The Alliance isn't replying to Shepard's inquiries, and it will take me a little more time to sort all this out. We don't even know who she is, yet. And the chemical signatures–" She projected an image of a human nervous system that Shepard recognized immediately. "It's not eezo. It doesn't match anything in my files. But look at the nodules."

"What the hell are we dealing with?" Kaidan said, stepping in for a closer look with a furrowed brow. "Some kind of messed up experiments? Humans had nothing resembling biotics before first contact."

"Officially," Miranda said darkly, still absorbed in her own data streams.

There was a brisk knock on the hospital room door and it whirred open. A thin older man in Alliance dress blues stood in the doorway, a datapad in hand. He saluted the room, looking to Shepard and Kaidan.

"Major Shepard, I'm Lieutenant Hawking. The Alliance sent me over to discuss the package you recovered from the Magellan."

Shepard saluted back, although she had to keep herself from visibly shuddering at the Lieutenant's choice of words. "The package?" 

Hawking looked over at the teenager in the bed three feet away from him. "I apologize, captain. I don't mean to sound callous. However, at this time, the Alliance is not treating what you recovered as, well, alive."

"The Alliance needs to readjust their assessment," Miranda said, never looking up from her Omni-tool. "She just woke up a few moments ago."

Shock registered in Hawking's eyebrows. "I've seen the reports, Miss Lawson. The tissue damage sustained was extensive."

"Not nearly as extensive as what Shepard faced when she was spaced ten years ago. And, if you'll recall, I fixed that quite nicely."

Shepard almost laughed at how flippantly Miranda discussed a Cerberus project with an unknown Alliance officer.  _Cocky much, Miranda?_ Shepard looked over to Liara and Kaidan, gaging their reactions. Kaidan had never exactly been Miranda's biggest fan, and he seemed more annoyed by the mention of Shepard's death than anything else. Liara watched the exchange serenely, her information-broker face firmly in place, but Shepard wondered what kind of parallels the asari was drawing to Alchera.

"I'll admit I'm impressed, ma'am," Hawking said, glancing at his datapad. His own face was a mirror of Miranda's efficient professionalism. "But, you'll have to excuse us. The only people in this room the Alliance security clearance necessary to further discuss this issue are Major Shepard and Major Alenko."

Miranda muttered something in annoyance but shut down her Omni-tool, throwing a last look at the girl over her shoulder as she left. Liara followed her out, throwing a y _ou had better tell me everything_ look at both Shepard and Kaidan. Shepard placed herself between the Lieutenant and the girl they had found and crossed her arms. _What the hell is going on?_  

"What exactly did the Alliance know when they sent me out?"

"We were aware that a signal was being broadcast from a ship identifying itself as the Magellan," the Lieutenant said, and Shepard shared a look with Kaidan. Seriously? After everything they had done, the brass couldn't just be up front about this one? "We believed this was … unlikely."

Shepard raised an eyebrow at that uncertain pause, and the Lieutenant continued, "The Magellan has, as you have no doubt guessed, a history outside of its very public disappearance. That young woman is Dr. Kaya Cole, an agent for the now defunct United States Central Intelligence Agency."

"She's a spy?" Kaidan blurted out. His voice probably had its characteristic calm to the Lieutenant, but Shepard could hear a hard edge. "She's just a kid."

Given that the Lieutenant had also just called her a doctor, that seemed unlikely. Shepard turned to look at the figure in the bed. She was just so tiny, but maybe that was a strange effect of the failing cryostasis.

"I'm more interested in the fact that the CIA had an agent aboard a colonist ship," Shepard said.

"She was investigating a colony called Drake's Point," the Lieutenant said. He turned his attention from the girl – from Dr. Cole – to the view of the presidium for a moment, clearly hesitant. "It was a privately funded research installation. One of the first to seek out people willing to build a life on Mars. It was very widely popularized and heavily funded with government subsidies. However, there were reports that the colony was, well, not following international law. And, I can assure you that Dr. Cole is not a 'kid.' According to my dossier, she is in fact 25 years old. She was among a batch of students, meant to be the first to complete a medical residency on the surface of another planet."

"So, the CIA turned her into an asset?" Shepard asked. It seemed like a hell of a risk for a civilian to take. If she had been caught by the wrong people, there were a whole host of ways for the people running the damn colony to stage an accident.

The Lieutenant cleared his throat nervously. "That is where we begin to get into very sensitive territory, Major."

 

 

 

 


	2. Cole

The outside world was still unbelievably bright. But, at least the pain was gone. Where before opening her eyes had brought searing stabs that provided a nice counterbalance to the feeling of drowning, now everything was just numb.

"Miranda, she's awake."

There was a high ceiling above her and a familiar hospital bed underneath. The room itself, however, was much smaller than what she was used to for something so posh. A giant window took up the left wall, looking out over a beautiful view. The city outside was pristine white concrete and modern architecture, cut down the middle by a sparkling canal. The sky was a perfect, vibrant blue. This sure as hell was not Mars. But, it was not anywhere she recognized from Earth, either.

Kaya turned toward the voice that had awoken her, and then she screamed in shock.

"It's alright! It's alright!" A woman came into view as Kaya shot up in bed. _She_ was human, but the _thing_ on her right most certainly was not. "I know this must be a shock, but you need to try and calm down."

"What the hell is going on?" Kaya yelled. Or, rather, she tried to yell. Her voice was still hoarse and barely audible.

She turned to look back at the creature that had spoken before. It was shaped like a woman. It had a voice like a woman. But, her skin was blue. She had tentacles forming to her skull instead of hair. It was like something out of a bad science fiction movie, just with better special effects.

"My name is Miranda," the human woman spoke. Kaya found herself why the hell a doctor or nurse would be wearing a skin-tight jumpsuit. The woman, Miranda, was trying to sound reassuring. "A" for effort, not so much for execution. "This is Liara. We've been helping you get better."

_Yeah, the sunny hospital room and the IV lines totally didn't give that away._

"Where the hell am I, exactly?" Kaya demanded, looking back at the blue woman. She could sense this _Liara_ meant her no harm, but her presence was nevertheless disorienting among everything else going on. Was she hallucinating?

"You're on the Citadel," Miranda said, earning a raised eyebrow from Kaya. "It's a space station. Dr. Cole, I need you calm down. If your vitals get much worse I'll have to sedate you again."

"I – wait – this doesn't look like any space station I've ever heard of," Kaya said, looking out the window. She was surprised by the fear in her voice.

"Humanity did not know about it, not in your time," Miranda said.

She started to elaborate, but Liara cut her off with a stern, "Miranda. Not helping."

"There's a lot to explain," Miranda admitted. "And we will explain. I promise. But I need you to calm down."

Kaya could hear a heart rate monitor beeping quietly to her left. This Miranda was right. Kaya was going to go into cardiac arrest if she sustained this for much longer. She closed her eyes and attempted to take a few deep breaths. The effort stretched at her sides, as if her lungs had done little more than shallow breathing for a very long time.

"How long have I been out?" Kaya asked, once the monitor indicated that she was no longer in immediate danger.

The silence that hung between them was far from encouraging, and the answer Miranda eventually gave left a knot in Kaya's stomach. Months. Months spent in a hospital bed, being rebuilt from something closer to a corpse than a human being.

Each new fact was even more unbelievable than the last. Humanity had made contact with the rest of the galaxy, and they had found it teeming with intelligent life. Or, rather, they had found it teeming with sentient life that could be just as idiotic and cruel as humanity could. Liara was something called an Asari, a proud and long-lived race from the other side of the galaxy. But, there were others. Turians. Salarians. Elcor. Vorcha. Batarian. Hanar. All of them connected by faster than light travel that should be physically impossible.

Then there was the Citadel. A space station older than modern humans as a species, built by a now extinct civilization and used by an evil race of sentient synthetic beings to purge the galaxy of civilized life on occasion.

Being told that the Reapers were now dead was hardly reassuring. Nor was the assertion that Miranda and Liara had played a role in that recent war.

Somehow, even with all of that, the worst of it was personal. Kaya had been in cryostasis for seventy years. The ship that had been carrying her –  _and Mom_  – to a Martian colony malfunctioned, missing its target and drifting into the asteroid belt.

Kaya already knew, from the lack of any answer, what the reply to her next question would be. But, she had to ask.

"I'm the only one who survived, aren't I?"

The two women exchanged only a silent look, and Kaya asked them to leave. Miranda protested, but Liara grabbed her arm roughly and led the cat-suited brunette from the room. It felt like there should be tears or screaming or sobbing as the doors closed, but Kaya felt only a total emptiness. It was like a vacuum, threatening to cave in her chest.  _Everyone_ was gone. Everyone.

 

* * *

 

It was some time later – maybe minutes, maybe hours – that Major Shepard entered the room. Miranda had mentioned her. The woman who destroyed the Reapers, saving the entire galaxy. Even in fitted military fatigues, she seemed strikingly ordinary. Kaya tried to hastily wipe all the evidence of her crying, but it did little good. Shepard averted her eyes and walked across the narrow room to the window. She let Kaya regain her composure and gazed out onto the city. The station, really, but one would never know looking outside.

"I'm sorry about your mother."

Shepard was still looking across the canal, a fact for which Kaya was grateful. Even though she was new to it, Kaya could recognize the sympathetic pain in the voice of another orphan. It was strangely comforting, and Kaya remembered how she was usually forced to bear her worst burdens in complete isolation. There were so many things that no one could possibly understand. She could now add time travel to that list, but losing one's parents was a very grounded tragedy.

Kaya realized she should speak. "Thanks. And, um, thanks for saving my life, too."

Her throat was still raw, and her voice could barely carry even across the tiny cell of a room. But, Shepard turned toward her and smiled. For someone so undoubtedly badass, she had very gentle eyes.

"What happens now?"

"We need to talk," Shepard said, that kind flicker being replaced by something much more clinical and professional. It was a protective wall that Kaya was quite familiar with. "About Project Indigo."

Kaya knew the shock registered on her face. Liara and Miranda had not known about Indigo. They genuinely thought the Magellan's demise was an accident. "And here I was thinking no one knew about that."

Shepard indicated a glass tablet in her hand. "I have full access to Alliance reports on the project. It was shut down after, well, your death."

"The human government? The global one? Why would the Alliance have information on Indigo?"

"It's part of the treaty that created the Systems Alliance," Shepard explained. "The Alliance has access to high level intel from almost every nation. In fact, they've functionally taken over the real military and intelligence operations of many of them. When someone over there picked upon the Magellan's signal, someone else at Alliance H.Q. apparently realized it could be connected to Indigo."

"I'm assuming that's why they sent their most decorated soldier on a salvage mission?"

The pieces were falling into place. Kaya should have realized it would be harder to run.

"Yeah, I was wondering what was up with that," Shepard said with a wry smile. "As far as we know, though, nobody was expecting us to find a survivor."

"Yeah," Kaya sighed. She could hear the uptight old man's voice. _The Alliance is not treating what you recovered as, well, alive._ "So, what do you want to know?"

"The Magellan. What happened?"

Kaya closed her eyes again, hearing the heart rate monitor tick up slightly. _Okay, tick up a lot. Deep breaths. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. Find a calmer mind._

"No idea. I went into cryo, then I woke up here. If I had to guess, I would say that the ship was sabotaged. And my survival is extremely suspicious, so why don't you go ask your Alliance buddies about that." Kaya's voice caught in her throat. It wasn't right to catch Shepard in her crossfire. But god damn. _All those people who died. All the blood on my hands._ "Ask them why those incompetent bastards in the Corporate Congress managed to kill everyone except their target."

"You can't blame yourself for this, Dr. Cole," Shepard said knowingly, walking toward her bed. _Agree to disagree._ She spoke like someone who had been down this road before, but the good little soldier still paused at the waves of anger and self-loathing that were building off of Kaya from her hospital bed.

"I'm not," Kaya lied. Shepard pursed her lips and started pacing slowly in front of the window, saying nothing. "What else do you know about Indigo?"

"You were sent to investigate Drake's Point. There was intel suggesting _slavery_ was running rampant." There was something about the way Shepard focused on that word that made Kaya's stomach turn. There was a story there, but the memories were pushed so quickly down that Kaya did not have the chance to parse them out. "There was even some evidence of illegal human experiments. Those allegations turned out to be true, although none of it was ever made public. The official story is that Drake's Point collapsed during the Depression. The colonists evacuated to other outposts on the planet."

"And the real story?" Kaya asked reluctantly.

"Civil war broke out. Drake's point was a pile of rubble at the end," Shepard said, returning to a rather matter-of-fact tone. War she could handle, apparently. War was familiar. Shepard must have misinterpreted something in Kaya's expression, because she added, "I'm sorry."

"Well, I'm not," Kaya said bitterly. "The things I heard went on there–"

Drake's Point had publically recruited the best and the brightest. It was such an incredible opportunity, to be among the first civilians to colonize another planet. Kaya remembered how her mother had been practically bouncing when she got the news, but she quickly shoved that recollection down somewhere in the dark.

It was somehow easier to think about the cold realities of her mission. Someone had to actually build the colony, and the Corporate Congress found people were cheaper than robots. Easier to control, too, or so the old joke went. There were never any arrangements to get all of those people off world, even after the construction was complete. Slums popped up in maintenance tunnels. Illegal trafficking started. Drugs. People. And then there were other, even more insidious reports. The ones indicating that Drake's Point was a front for something dark, for experimentation that would have been beyond illegal on Earth. Hell, it would have been a war crime. After all, what could someone being doing that was so atrocious they would build a city on another planet just to hide it? 

When it was clear Kaya would not elaborate, Shepard changed topics. "Technically, you're in my custody for the moment. I brought in the team that helped patch you up." _Nice way of putting it._ "There was some bureaucratic squabble over who should properly debrief you. But, they finally made a decision. The Alliance wants me to transfer you over to a handler. Someone who can help you, well, adjust."

Kaya blinked. _Wait, that's it? She doesn't know?_

"Okay. Um–" She trailed off. What did you _say_ to someone like Shepard? _Thanks for saving the universe? Galaxy. Whatever. Oh, and thanks for not letting me get spaced, too. Appreciate it. Catch you later._

"I just wanted to come talk to you," Shepard said, filling the silence. "We're setting out on another mission soon, and it isn't every day you wake someone out of a seventy year coma. If you ever need to talk to someone. Well, I mean, I know what it's like. I know what it's like to have Miranda bring you back to life. I at least know what it's like to lose a couple years of your life. So, you know, I forwarded my information to your Omni-tool."

Kaya could not help smiling at Shepard's sudden awkwardness. Talking about war and brutal human experiments was apparently par for the course, but reaching out to someone so obviously _broken_ was rough. She was trying so hard to be kind and extend a hand to the poor time traveler in front of her. But, Shepard _didn't_ know what it was like. She couldn't. Nobody could.

"Thanks, Commander. For everything."

 


	3. Vanished

"What do you think happens to her now?" Joker asked as they exited the relay jump.

Shepard was standing behind him, looking over footage regarding their next deployment. Something about a cult that had taken over a small asteroid mining operation. It seemed pretty small, now. Nobody was really talking about the fact they found a damn person – a damn person born in 2095 – in cryostasis aboard a supposedly scrapped ship. Nobody was talking about the fact that, after months, she had woken up. Nobody had discussed how they were leaving her on the Citadel, even though something felt decidedly _off_ about the whole thing. There was  _something_ the Alliance was not telling them. And, damn, did Joker hate it when the brass tried to stonewall Shepard. She deserved better. 

"I don't know," Shepard said quietly, and he could hear a note of distress behind the words. _Okay, so I'm not the only one who thinks something really messed up is going on here._ "Liara's looking into whatever the Alliance isn't telling us."

"Oh yeah, I was supposed to talk to you about that," Joker said, taking a lighter tone. "Kaidan says to stop giving Liara more work. Because it's driving _him_ insane."

He threw a look back at her and rolled his eyes. "Be nice," she chided with a smirk.

_Why? If he wants to date the Shadow Broker, then he gets to deal with the consequences. And telling Liara not to work is like telling Shepard not to sleep with a gun holstered beside her bed. Just not going to happen. Garrus seems to deal just fine, without talking my ear off for two hours about work-life balance._

"I'm being nice. I'm trying to help work out a domestic dispute," Joker said. "But, seriously, about Dr. Cole. Who recruits a fifteen year old kid into an intelligence agency? I mean, I know we recruited those kids at Grissom Academy during the war, but that was different. Right?"

When Shepard had debriefed them, the details had been pretty stomach turning. All the stuff that actually happened at Drake's Point was messed up, and Joker was amazed none of the details had actually gotten out. The Alliance made it sound like there were survivors, but the facts did not quite bear that one out. And then there was Dr. Kaya Cole. Recruited by the CIA at fifteen, for reasons no one seemed able to explain properly. So, she was some kind of genius. Intelligence agencies might monitor exceptionally bright kids. Fine. But, starting to train them that young? That only happened in the vids. Or so he had thought.

A light flashed on the console, and Joker pulled up an alert. They were getting an urgent communication in from C-Sec.

"Bailey's trying to hail us," he said, and Shepard came along side him. "He's using a high priority channel."

"Patch him through up here."

"Major," the head of C-Sec's face appeared in miniature on the display. "I thought you'd want to know something's happened to that girl you brought to the Citadel."

"Dr. Cole? Is she okay?" There was something tense about the way Shepard said it, and Joker realized she probably empathized with the impossible doctor. They had both been brought back to life, after all. They were maybe the two only people in the galaxy who could say that.

"Shepard, she was abducted last night. I've got a team over there right now. So does the Alliance. We don't know anything more."

"We'll head in as soon as we're able," Shepard said. Bailey nodded, and Shepard signed off. She turned to Joker. "Call up H.Q. See if there's anyone nearby they can reassign to the cult." _Thank god. Really wasn't looking forward to that one. I mean, what were the chances of that ending well?_ "If there is, chart a course back to the Citadel."

* * *

God damn it. Shepard knew she shouldn't have left. She shouldn't have let Miranda leave, either. There was something clearly strange going on – even stranger than finding another Javik, so to speak – and it was obviously not all going to end in rainbows and kittens once Dr. Cole was handed over to the Alliance.

_What could you have done, marine? Break rank over a hunch? The brass is twitchy enough about you as it is._

"You!" Shepard shouted as they exited the elevator. Lieutenant Hawking was standing in the middle of the hospital lobby. She pointed a finger at his chest as she marched into the room, feeling quite ready to punch something. "What the hell is going on?"

"Major Shepard, what are you doing here?" the Lieutenant asked, crossing his arms defensively. Not a good sign. He eyed her companions suspiciously, and Shepard was glad she had brought Garrus and Kaidan along. Three spectres working in tandem tended to put a lot of people off their game. "This matter does not concern you." 

"Like hell it doesn't. You want to tell me why, not even ten hours after I chart a course out of here, the woman I brought out of cryo was kidnapped? You want to tell me how?"

Some of the bystanders in the lobby were looking on curiously, leading Hawking to try and hush Shepard. _Did he seriously just "shush" me?_ She shot him a look that ended that notion quite quickly.

"All due respect, Major, but what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be broking some Turian-Krogan peace summit. It was all over the vids."

"Cancelled," Shepard said. Again. This was turning into a diplomatic incident before Wrex even had the opportunity to open his big mouth.

The Lieutenant only now seemed to realize that he had sidestepped the question of someone who severely outranked him. Her question. His tone softened as he continued, "Look, Major, my hands are tied. You're not cleared to have any further intel about Dr. Cole. I’m sorry, but I need to do my job. You'll have to talk to the brass about this."

He saluted her, and Shepard considered leaving him hanging there for a bit. Finally, she dismissed Hawking, and he stalked off to go talk to a couple of C-Sec agents near the front desk.

"So, is this the part where we used our combined spectre powers to apply a little pressure?" Garrus asked quietly. "Because I always enjoy that bit."

"No need," a familiar voice said from behind them. "I've already got your damn security clearance."

"Jack?" Shepard exclaimed, during around in bemusement. Sure enough, there she was, standing in the lobby looking more professional than Shepard had ever seen the super-charged biotic. She was not even showing any skin between her collarbone and knees. 

"Miss, who are you?" Hawking interrupted, marching back over with exasperation.

Shepard raised an eyebrow, about fifty percent sure that no one had ever made the mistake of calling Jack a "miss" and lived to tell about it. She exchanged a look with Jack, who winked. Winked. What exactly had they done to her at that Academy?

"I'm a professor at Grissom Academy, and Hackett put me on this mission," Jack said. As soon as she said Grissom, Shepard noticed that the Lieutenant straightened. _What the hell do they have to do with all this?_ Jack sighed, apparently hating the formality as she added, "I'm sending you the access codes now."

Lieutenant Hawking looked at his Omni-tool, apparently satisfied. "Well, my hands are officially untied. What do you need to know, Major?"

Jack made a little scoffing sound. "I've got this. Come on, let's get to the Normandy. I'll fill you in once we're on board."

* * *

"We've cleared all our pre-flight checks, Commander," Joker called out. "So, Jack, you wanna tell us where we're going?"

"Omega. The Alliance thinks that's where the bastard is holding her," Jack spat out over the comm.

The team had assembled in the conference room. Joker felt kind of nostalgic, with his favorite crazed biotic back on board. Although he had to choke back laughter earlier when Shepard called her outfit "professional." Sure, you could not see any underboob, so that was novel. But, Jack was still sporting a seriously legitimate mohawk and a few new tattoos.

"Whoa, Jack, slow down," Shepard said. 

"I'll explain on the way there, but we need to go. Now."

"I'm already charting a course," Joker called out. "We get to see our old buddy, Aria. It's been a while."

Shepard grumbled something unintelligible before asking, "Jack, who's this 'bastard' who took Dr. Cole?"

"One of the scienists from Pragia. Turns out the Illusive Man and I weren't able to finish them off," Jack said bitterly. There might have been a tinge of excitement in her voice, too. She was looking forward to this. _Ah, good old Cerberus. And we were just about due for another pain-in-the-ass mission taking out one of their cells._ The snark running through Joker's inner monologue was brought up short at the verbal bomb Jack dropped on the old crew. "Cole's a telepath, Shepard. She got exposed to some experimental chemical when a factory near her childhood home went sky high. Pretty much everyone that was exposed died. She almost did."

"Wait, what? That's not possible," Kaidan said. _Oh man._ Biotics had finally started gaining some respect and understanding after the war. If there were actually mind-readers out there, that shaky ground fell out from under them.

"I just told you it is. I don't mince words, Alenko," Jack said. "Project Indigo is still active. Cole was the first and only telepath any human government identified, until Eezo showed up. Turns out a very, very small number of kids don't become biotics when they're exposed. They get abilities kinda like that Prothean friend of yours had."

"Kids?" Liara interrupted. "You mean there are psychic children at Grissom Academy?" Joker was not sure if she was more shocked by the existance of telepathic humans or the fact that this had gone over her radar.

"Eleven of them. The entirety of Indigo, except for a couple of field agents," Jack responded. "That's what Cole was. I mean, can you imagine the power? You just have to send one of these kids into a room with your target, and _bam!_ Instant espionage."

"So why send humanity's only known telepath out to a fledgling colony?" Garrus asked.

"Pretty much every government that mattered sponsored Drake's Point. They actively encouraged recruitment. Looks like they panicked when the evidence started rolling in on what was really happening there. I mean, fuck, Shepard. Have you read the reports? That shit would make Cerberus fuckers blush."

"Cole could get in and get information, without getting close enough to get caught," Shepard confirmed. "It was smart."

"Right. The selection process was air tight. A traditional government operative probably never would have made it past their initial screenings. But, Cole had no obvious government ties. She was recruited in high school, and the whole thing was one of the best kept secrets of the damn CIA. Even Liara wouldn't have known about it. I mean, you didn't know about it. They're not fucking around."

Joker smirked as Liara made an annoyed sound over the comm channel. _Watch yourself, Jack. She's really good at playing Shadow Broker. Scary good._

"Cole's mother was also a pretty famous doctor," Jack continued. "She had standing, money, intelligence, and needed skills. The corporations reached out to _her_. It was an opportunity too good to pass up."

"It was a trap," Vega said.

"Your brass doesn't think so," Jack said, sounding unconvinced. "There were too many high-profile people on that ship they took out."

"Maybe. But, something still doesn't add up," Kaidan said. "If this was so top secret, how did a Cerberus scientist get wind of it?"

"No idea. But that fucker wants to experiment on Cole and the rest of my kids. No fucking way I'm letting that happen."

"We'll take him down, Jack," Shepard reassured her. "I promise."


	4. Omega

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. This chapter probably needs a special trigger warning of some sort, as it discusses torture in graphic detail. No blood or broken bones, but there's a focus on physical and psychological after effects. You've been warned.

_Son of a bitch._  

The pain stopped, leaving behind an emptiness. If Kaya had thought she was in pain after Okinawa or waking up from cryo, she was sadly mistaken. _Everything_ hurt. She just wanted to make it stop. She would have done _anything_ to make it stop. She now understood why torture was so damn effective. Her convictions had been completely obliterated. There was only the pain. But, this Dr. Marcus had not given her a way out. He was not after information. He was after power. And he seemed convinced that the only way to get it was to force it out of Kaya.

The pain started up again in earnest as electricity crackled through the air. Kaya found herself screaming, unable to stop, as visions flashed through her head. They were the memories of other people. Most were mundane. Some were horrific. She saw Dr. Marcus lording over a young boy, or maybe a girl, strapped to a table. He was injecting the child with something as she writhed, naked and badly bruised. 

_Subject Zero._ This sadistic bastard had been playing the game for a while.

The pain subsided again. Kaya tried to find relief in the emptiness, but there was only fear. The next wave of agony would come. She was powerless.

"You can end this, Cole. Just make me stop."

She wanted to scream, as she had so many times before, that it did not work like that. She could not control someone else. It was not possible. Point her at your enemy, and she could know their deepest, darkest secrets within the hour. But, she wasn't some goddamn super hero.

It did not matter. The pain started again.

It was hours later that Marcus seemed to tire of his pursuit. He left her there, in a fucking dentist's chair with restraints. She just wanted to sleep, but they had pumped her full of adrenaline. She had to credit the damn medical team. Her heart should have given out a long time ago. But, these bastards had their sick game down to a science. They had to be professionals, otherwise this level of sustained torture would have killed her hours ago. 

Kaya looked down at her wrists in the restraints. There were Lichtenberg figures running up her arms from the thousands of volts they kept applying to her fingers. There were fresh surgical scars there, where they had put something in her. They had opened up her head, too. Just casual brain surgery in the middle of an abandoned clinic on some godforsaken planet. Kaya would have hoped that an infection would take her. Except, these bastards really seemed to want her alive. Broken and bowed, but alive.

She closed her eyes and let herself cry, unaware until that point that there were even tears left. She let out a strangled scream, totally unrecognizable as her own. Then, her eyes snapped open.

_Shepard._  

Kaya felt her, somewhere close by. She was with that blue alien. The asari. And they had a small army right behind them. Not that they knew where to look. Through Shepard's eyes, Kaya could see that she was a needle in a space-station shaped haystack.

Well, fuck, Kaya had to try.

* * *

 

_"Shepard."_

Major Shepard stopped in her tracks and looked frantically around Afterlife. They had come to see Aria, hoping that the Queen of Omega might have some hint as to where crazy unethical experiments on a "biotic" were being performed. And, if she didn't, Shepard had a few favors to call in. If she did, and was just sitting on her ass, Shepard would have to mess up that pretty purple face. Or, rather, she would need to restrain Jack just in time. Let her get a few punches in, and then prevent something damn close to a diplomatic incident. Aria's death would throw Omega into total disarray.

Now, though, bullying Aria might prove unnecessary. Shepard could have sworn she heard Dr. Cole's voice.

"Lola, what's up?"

_"Guys, it's me. Help."_

This time the entire squad froze. _Okay, not going crazy, then._ Shepard supposed their wide range of expressions could be called comical under other circumstances. James and Kaidan looked thoroughly freaked out. Jack appeared impressed.

"Kaya," Shepard said slowly. Quietly. How was one supposed to talk to someone inside their own head? "Can you, er, hear me?"

_"Yeah. Oh my god. I am so, so happy to see you. You're here, right? This isn't a hallucination? Look, I don't know where I am. It kind of looks like an old defunct doctors' office. I'm going to try something."_

The thoughts came frantic and hard, but the images were even more jarring. It reminded Shepard of a Prothean beacon. And the pain – Shepard had been tortured before. Training on withstanding it started at the N5 level, and Shepard had actually had to use that knowledge out in the field once. But, her treatment at the hands of a few rookie mercenaries was nothing compared to the clinical efficiency Cole had been subjected to.

"Mordin's clinic," Shepard realized aloud. She tried to play the images back in her head, just to make sure. "Kaya, I know where you are. Just hold on."

The team sprinted out of Afterlife, hanging a hard left and a quick right as they headed for a familiar part of the station. Shepard had hoped never to return to this place. She had fought through the streets with Garrus once. God, what had she been thinking? There was a turian-infecting plague afoot. It was one of her worst calls ever, and she was lucky Mordin had a cure. But, Shepard had just been so happy to have him back. Funny how it took her months more to realize why.

"Just the other day I was reminiscing about spilling merc blood on Omega. It's good to be back," Garrus said, as a bullet missed his head by inches.

The team took cover, and Shepard peeked out over a low wall. They had almost made it to the clinic, and now a few pesky Blood Pack mercenaries were in her way. A few tried to flank the team. But, against a squad of six heroes who had very literally saved the galaxy, a few mercenaries were no match. Garrus and Vega barely had time to fire off a shot, as the four biotics ripped apart every last krogan. Shepard used Reave to blow the last one, suspended by Liara's singularity, out of the air. 

She flagged the team forward into the clinic itself. Inside, after the assault, the place was eerily quiet. A few dead in white lab coats were scattered on the ground. The gunshot wounds at the backs of their heads were fresh, but Shepard had little time to dwell on who they were or why their brains were dashed on the clinic floor. 

_"Shepard!"_

Kaya's pain coursed through Shepard like it was her own. The rest of the team must have felt it, as well, because they all ran through the clinic's abandoned lobby as a single unit. There was a makeshift dentist's office toward the back. The door was haphazardly open, and Dr. Marcus stood over an examination chair. Kaya was there, strapped in with a gun to her head. She wore a hospital gown, and the fresh, winding scars visible underneath would make a less experienced marine's stomach turn. _The son of a bitch fried her._

"Drop it!" Shepard yelled, pointing her assault rifle at the Doctor. "You don't have to do this!"

"So, what? I drop the gun, and you let me go free?" Marcus scoffed. _Scoffed._ "I don’t think so."

"You drop the gun, and I don't shoot you in the head right now."

"I was thinking of starting with the balls," Jack interrupted. "You sick son of a bitch."

"There's only one way this ends, Major Shepard. I might as well stop the Alliance from getting what it wants," Marcus said.

His finger moved to the trigger. Shepard moved to take the shot.

* * *

He was going to shoot, and he would pull the trigger before any one could stop him. Kaya could feel it. His anger. His fear. His crazy. His unbeatable odds. They flowed through her very veins, finding her own fear and forcing it to the surface above everything else. She did not survive seventy years in cryostasis to die at the hands of some psychopath now.

Marcus turned the gun to his own temple and pulled the trigger.

Where there had once been the ravings of a madman, there was only emptiness. A black hole in the space where life had once stood. Marcus's body crumpled to the ground.

She had just killed a man. There should have been guilt. Or pain. Or maybe even relief. But, there was just total numbness as Shepard rushed forward to undo the restraints.

They were talking to her. She could hear their voices, the slow and distant cacophony of concern. But, whatever they were trying to say faded into white noise.

* * *

"She's in shock," Liara said.

Vega was picking up Dr. Cole, having undone her restraints. Her eyes stared blankly ahead, and her teeth were clenched together. He cradled her like a child, and Shepard saw the biotic implant port at the back of her head for a moment before it was hidden again. Kaidan caught Shepard's eye. These telepathic kids weren't supposed to have biotic abilities.

"Joker, are you getting this?" Shepard said over the comm. "Make sure Dr. Chakwas is ready. Let's move, people."

The team started marching out. There were still the bodies on the floor, but there was no time to investigate. They ran over them unceremoniously. She would send an Alliance crew in later, or maybe just make contact with Aria. If Shepard had to guess, it would seem Marcus had snapped upon being cornered.

"Looks like that bastard got what he was after," Garrus said quietly to Shepard. 

She nodded as they hit the main corridor. It seemed absolutely fantastical, but Shepard had seen beings hijack other minds before. The Thorian. The Rachni queen. The Reapers. Had Marcus been trying to elicit the same power in his subject? There was a poetic justice to his results.

And there was a very human cost. A few heads turned to look curiously as them, a special forces team with a half-naked, heavily scarred girl running through the streets. Of course, there was not as much attention as one would expect. This was Omega. People seemed more interested in Shepard's presence than Kaya's.

They reached the Normandy, and Shepard found herself fidgeting as the airlock cycled. What more was there to do? Standing still was too much. "Joker, hail Sanders. Let her know that we have Dr. Cole on board."

In the elevator, Shepard started to pace, and Garrus placed a hand on her shoulder. He must have guessed what was bothering her. Kaya looked almost feral, her eyes forced open wide in shock and her skin bone-white. Half her head was shaved, with lines of Medi-gel running across her scalp. But, for all the physical scars marring her skin, it was the psychological scars behind her eyes that shook Shepard. This girl had gone through enough, losing everything in one go, and then the galaxy had only plunged her into a lower level of hell. Shepard was intimately familiar with the look in Kaya's eyes.

They reached the medical bay, and Dr. Chakwas pointed forcefully to one of the examination tables. James carefully set down Dr. Cole as Chakwas began running a series of diagnostics. When she was unable to get a response from Kaya, Chakwas inserted an IV line and sedated her. The young doctor's eyes mercifully closed, and the resolution left a painful, silent void. The crew stared at each other, a few mouths agape. Saying this team had seen some bad stuff was putting it mildly. But, rescuing a tortured young woman who had recently lost literally everyone was still pretty jarring.

And then there was the realization about what had happened. About what Kaya Cole was capable of.

"We need to get her to the Citadel," Chakwas said. "My god, they gave her biotic implants. And a whole host of other cybernetics. This needs to be looked at by a professional team."

"We can't," Jack said, her voice a few octaves higher than normal. "And we can't go to Grissom, either. Marcus had inside people. That's the only way they could have found out about Cole. I'll call Sanders. They've got a doc on staff at the Academy. Someone we can trust. Best neurosurgeon for dealing with biotics in the damn galaxy or something. But we have to keep her aboard the Normandy, Shepard." 

"I agree with Jack," Shepard said. Chakwas made a stuttering sound of protest, holding up a hand angrily and opening her mouth. Shepard put a hand on Dr. Chakwas's shoulder. "We'll make sure she gets the care she needs. But, if we take her to the Citadel it may only be a matter of time before someone tries to take her again. Or, there could be someone on staff that was working with Marcus. And, if we take her to Grissom, there's the same problems. Plus, we could be giving someone incentive to attack the Academy.

"I won't let anything happen to her, Doc. But, we saw what she was capable of, and–" _And, quite frankly, keeping her out of enemy hands is more important than keeping her healthy._ "Jack, come with me up to the comm room. We'll make contact with this doctor at the Academy and figure out a rendezvous point."


	5. Normandy

Kaya groaned. She must have fallen asleep in the hospital again, if the hard bed and faint smell of antiseptic were anything to go by. Her roommate Lena was supposed to wake her, but Lena was probably out getting plastered right now with that nurse she had been closing in on over the past week. Kaya had things to do. She needed to get some damn grocery shopping done. And laundry. And she had promised to call Mom. There was no time for sleep.

_God damn._ Why did everything hurt? Why did she have an IV? Oh no. She hadn't pulled a Mitchel, had she? He would never live that down. Hell, they called it "pulling a Mitchel." The last thing she needed was for everyone to switch over to calling it "pulling a Kaya" three months before they graduated. 

Wait. Graduated. She had already graduated. Kaya remembered. Passing her boards and watching her mother look tearfully on from the crowd.

She bolted upright, the memories coming back hard and fast. _No._  

The year was 2191. Lena was dead. Mitchel, too. Kaya made the mistake of checking, in the hospital on the Citadel. They had been on Earth when the damn apocalypse came to their door.

Kaya had not vomited since she was a child, but she did so over the side of the medical table now. Someone ran up behind her. There was a hand on her shoulder and a friendly voice in her ear. She dry heaved, knuckles white on the edge of the bed. There was nothing but gastric acid and mucus to throw up, but her body kept trying. As if it could dispel all the bad memories this way.

Finally, it stopped. Kaya sat back and took a good look at her caretaker. She tried to run a hand through her hair, but the right side of her skull was shaved and bandaged. A thin older woman with a shock of silver hair appraised her carefully, before walking briskly over to the other side of the room and filling a small cup with water. Kaya gratefully took a sip, and then she realized just how thirsty she was. She must have been out for days. She wanted nothing more than to be out again. But, she made herself drink instead. She could not run away from her impossible reality forever.

The doctor stepped back, giving her charge some space. Kaya took a moment to really look around. The small examination room she was in was dark and quiet, but there was light coming from behind her. She looked out a large window onto a kitchen of some sort. The sight did not really help her piece together where she was. The room had low ceilings and curved walls, like the hull of her father's houseboat. 

A ship. That made sense. Shepard had a ship. A spaceship. But, maybe the design principles had stayed somewhat consistent.

There were a lot of people aboard. Kaya could feel them, more sharply than she was used to. Whatever that son of a bitch had done had made every errant thought and forgotten memory more vivid.

_I'm Frankenstein's fucking monster. Serves him right._

Kaya had never felt this angry before. Learning about the experiments on Mars, going through data from the Alliance, she had come close. _I had one job. I should have been able to stop it._ But, this rage was completley new in its scope and strength. She had a face to put to the violence. She wanted vengeance. Kaya had to forcefully remind herself that the bastard was already dead. She knew that the relief and even happiness that thought inspired was grotesque. But, she could not feel any other way. She was happy Marcus was dead. She was happy she had pulled the trigger.

There was no time or emotional energy to spend on exactly how she had killed him. Not yet. Hell, Kaya doubted anyone could ever really, fully cope with the ability to get inside a man's head and make him commit suicide.

She looked down at her arms. Her new scars were gone, along with some old ones. Kaya wondered if she should be contributing her recovery to modern medicine, time, or both. She opened her mouth to ask the doctor how long exactly she had been unconscious, when the automatic door to the room opened.

One of the soldiers Kaya remembered from her rescue stopped in the doorway, rocking back on his heels. "You're awake." He turned to the doctor. "Should we–"

"Dr. Cole," she said, "are you able to speak?"

She nodded, and then almost laughed at how counterproductive that was. "Yeah. I'm–" _No, I’m not okay._ "I'm ready to be debriefed."

Her old mentor had once talked about this. There was a comfort in following military protocol. It was just like in medicine. Putting in an IV the first time was terrifying. But, being able to get one going for a trauma patient carried a certain comfort. It was a start. It was something she could do competently, even if everything else was about to go to shit.

The soldier was calling Shepard over his communication device. Kaya found herself studying him. Kaidan Alenko. He was taking what had happened to Kaya very personally. Part of that was the genuine empathy of his nature. But, the rest was a darker story. Kaidan's history was laid out in front of her. His telekinetic – biotic, they called it – abilities made him feel a kinship with Kaya. And his time at Jump Zero made him understand, at least a little bit, what it was like to have someone pushing you to your physical limits in order to bring out unspeakable power. He understood what it was like to kill your abuser, although Commander Vyrnnus had been an accident. 

Kaya liked him. She might even trust him. It was a relief to find that kind of anchor.

The door opened again, and Shepard jogged into the room. She brought with her a whole new history so complicated and grandiose it was distracting. This level of power was going to take a lot of getting used to.

"Are you okay?" Shepard asked.

"No," Kaya said. The room suddenly felt loud. It was hard to explain. There were not really words in the English language to describe being psychic on a normal day. But now, with everyone's life stories buzzing through her head at once, it was damn near impossible to put into words. "But, I think you would need to be more worried if I _was_ okay after all that."

The door opened again. "I like her," a mohawk-wearing woman said.

Kaya recognized the woman – Jack, just Jack – from her rescue. While Kaidan and Shepard were wearing military uniforms, generally exuding a certain presence that matched them, Jack was dressed in a skin-tight red jumpsuit and a cropped, black leather jacket. The sides of her head were shaved and tattooed. She radiated toughness and anger, through her looks and her psychic energy. But, there was also worry underneath that emotional armor. Her empathy was far more tangible than Kaidan's. She had been here. The little girl Marcus was lording over in her vision.

"She keeps it real," Jack continued. "Don't worry, kid. You're safe now."

Kaya tried, unsuccessfully, to crack a small smile. It was like her muscles had forgotten how. "I suppose I need to thank you all again for saving my life."

She turned her head to look at the doctor, and a sharp pain shot down her spine. A jolt of electricity shot out toward her fingers, making her hair stand on end.

"Take it easy," Kaidan said softly, moving to sit down beside her. "The implant takes some time to get used to."

_"I don't know. But the process to remove it could kill her. Not to mention all of these other components. I don't even know what half of them do. I've seen the peripheral implants before. The Alliance used them on some of the first biotics, but they were determined to be damn near close to useless. Those we could maybe take out, but–"_

_"But, we're kids playing with a loaded gun," Dr. Chakwas sighed. She looked over at Dr. Patel. "You're sure she's stable?"_

_"I don't know where they got the resources on Omega, Karin. But, this is professional work. They appear to have had a solid sterile field intact. There's no risk of infection, at least. I'm more concerned about one of those components malfunctioning. But, like I said–"_

_"Taking them out would be even more dangerous," Kaidan said. His voice was low and dangerous, a sharp contrast to the doctor sitting next to him._

Someone's hand was on her shoulder. Kaya shut her eyes tight and opened them again. The medical bay came back into view, but Dr. Patel was gone. _Oh, you have got to be kidding me._

"Dr. Cole, are you alright?" Dr. Chakwas asked. She pulled a holographic projection up from her arm. (An Omni-tool, Kaya remembered, she had one now as well.) The doctor started examining her readings with pursed lips.

Kaya shrugged out from under Kaidan's reassuring touch. "Fine. I just – I had some kind of flashback." Everyone around the room tensed up, and Kaya felt the need to clarify. "Of when Dr. Patel was here. I appear to have gained some extra abilities, including reliving other people's memories. So, that's fun. I have a question, though. Why do I have a biotic implant? I'm not telekinetic."

"We haven't found an answer to that question yet," Dr. Chakwas admitted.

"But, we can guess," Jack said. "Liara ran some tests on that chemical in your system." HIRO. "It's damn close to Eezo."

"Element zero–" Kaya put up a hand to stop Kaidan's explanation. She had done her research. Hell, after the shock of first contact wore off, biotics were the first thing Kaya was interested in researching. The mass effect field generating nodules looked eerily similar, after all, to the HIRO build up in her own nervous system. She had suspected the two chemicals might be related. Both gave special powers to a few. And both killed or disfigured most who were exposed to them, at high enough levels.

"Makes me wonder, though. Maybe Marcus doesn't know about the other kids. Otherwise, he would know they don't have biotics," Jack said. 

Kaya snapped her head up. Another jolt rocketed through her nerves. _Fuck._ "Wait. Other kids?"

Jack nodded, studying Kaya carefully. "Thirteen. That the Alliance knows of, anyway. Eleven of them are at the school I teach at."

"I was told Indigo was shut down after I was listed as M.I.A. That guy – that stuffy Alliance twat – he believed he was telling the truth."

"Yeah, well, the project's kept pretty airtight. Or it was. Most of the people on this ship can't even know who you are. What you can do. I mean, one in ten kids exposed to high enough eezo levels becomes a biotic, right? For what you can do – it's closer to one in a hundred thousand. And what you can do–"

"Is fucking dangerous," Kaya finished. "Can I meet them?"

The idea of there being more people like her out there was overshadowing everything else. She had been totally and utterly alone for over a decade. If she could just talk to someone else about what it was like–

"Not yet, Dr. Cole" Shepard said, frowning. "We don't know if Marcus was working alone. Grissom Academy is pretty close to a fortress these days, but we still don't want to lead anyone right to them. My orders are to keep you aboard this ship as we do some routine missions. In the meantime, we'll try to gather intel about Marcus."

Kaya deflated, but she nodded. There was something familiar in Shepard's tone. Kaya may not have ever _officially_ been in the military, but there was something oddly comforting about following orders. At least, there was something comforting in taking orders from _her_. Kaya could trust this lot, and it was easier to just switch onto autopilot and not worry about the next step.

"Okay. Just one thing. You keep calling me Dr. Cole. My mother was the famous Dr. Cole. I'm just Kaya, professionalism be damned," she said. She bit at the inside of her lip, considering. "Hey, um, can you guys give me a minute alone to talk to Jack?"

The others left the room. Dr. Chakwas was particularly reluctant. But, after pulling up her Omni-tool again to check on some readings, she was apparently content to follow Shepard out the door. Kaya could feel Jack's discomfort. The biotic prodigy did not think herself good at this kind of thing. There was an awkward silence between them for a while, as Kaya tried to figure out exactly what she wanted to say. Jack was gracious enough not to interrupt as she sat on Dr. Chakwas's desk.

"Do you ever get over it?" She had not meant to sound so young and helpless. So scared. But, there it was.

"Yes." Kaya was surprised to find that Jack was being honest. "It will take a long time. But, well, I'm here for you, okay?"

Kaya forced herself to smile a little. "Thanks. That means a lot. You know what, though? I – I'm actually not ready to talk about this right now. I will be. In time. I think."

"I'm here when you are," Jack said, standing up. "Fuck, you're still wearing a hospital gown. Let me get you some clothes."

Kaya exhaled a little bit in amusement. She had not even taken the time to realize what a hot mess she must look like. "Just none of that military crap, okay?" Kaya may be living indefinitely on an Alliance frigate, but that did not mean she had to be one of them.

"I think we're gonna get along just fine, Cole."


	6. Alien

Omega was a week behind the Normandy's crew, another bitter memory of that spirits-forsaken place. Dr. Cole had woken up two days ago, but Chakwas had confined her to the medical bay. Shepard was spending a lot of time with the young telepath, but Garrus had thought it best not to join in. Liara told him about the girl's reaction to the asari, when she awoke on the Citadel. If an asari could scare the human, a turian would be damn near terrifying.

So, it was quite a surprise when Kaya walked through the battery doors, wearing Shepard's N7 sweatshirt. Garrus heard the doors open behind him, but he kept at his calibrations, expecting Shepard to make some smart ass remark eventually. When she didn't, Garrus turned away from the calculations. Even in Shepard's clothes, there was no mistaking this human for his. She was nearly a foot shorter and much thinner. Garrus understood why they had originally mistaken her for a child. He had only seen Dr. Cole in passing since they got her off Omega, but she looked much healthier than he remembered. Those lightning scars were gone, and her head was free of bandages. 

"I, um, I'm just introducing myself," she said with a little wave. Cole was studying Garrus carefully, with a mixture of apprehension and curiosity. It was a look he was familiar with, working aboard a human ship. Especially before the war, Garrus was the first turian a lot of new recruits had seen in person.

"Oh, well, hi," Garrus said, admittedly a little thrown. None of those recruits ever came into the main battery for a chat.

"Oh, god. Sorry. I don't mean to be, um, checking you out," she said with a nervous laugh. Her hand flew up to the shaved side of her head and hovered there a moment, before raking over to the side with hair. "You're just the first turian I've seen up close before."

Garrus let out a little snort in amusement and smiled. Then he remembered something Shepard said, about a turian smile looking intimidating to humans. (The confusion went both ways. Barring your teeth was turian for "get out of my face.") So, he straightened his features, trying to keep his eyes kind.

Cole only studied him even more carefully before smiling slightly. "Don't worry about it. I am kind of inside your head, remember? I'm really bad, actually, at paying attention to facial expressions alone. Movies and television were always a little off-putting."

She was trying to look reassuring, but Dr. Cole had balled her hands into tight fists. Then she pursed her lips and relaxed with a nervous shrug. Had she _heard_ him notice? Garrus knew his mandibles flared at that realization. Her unsettling ability would take a lot of time to get used to. But, Garrus had to imagine they were both fairly far beyond their normal realities.

"This all has to be a bit much to take in, huh? It's not enough to wake up out of cryostasis after seventy years. Oh no. You also have to find out that humans aren't alone in the galaxy," he noted dryly.

"And there were artifacts from an ancient civilization buried on Mars," Dr. Cole pointed out. "And mass effect fields exist. And, oh yeah, there's some crazy mad scientist out there who wanted to turn me into his own personal weapon. It's great." Her voice shot up an octave, leading Kaya to quickly add with a wry smile, "And one of the races helping run the galaxy are ugly space-Romans."

Garrus laughed, noticing the tension roll out of her shoulders. That was a gutsy move, making a joke with an unfamiliar alien towering above you. He had heard the comparison before, though, during his C-Sec days. Upon researching modern day Romans, the analogy had been confusing and mildly insulting. Then, a colleague turned him toward a book on human history.

"Ugly, huh?" Garrus said wryly. "Spirits, you should have heard how Turians first responded to humans, Dr. Cole. A bunch of furry asari, running around the galaxy like they owned the place."

Kaya's smile grew. "Sounds like something we would do. And, by the way, please call me Kaya. Or maybe Cole. I'm not really a doctor. Not anymore. You can't stay licensed if you don't practice for seven decades. And there's the whole fact that I never completed my medical residency."

She looked at him for a moment and absentmindedly touched her ear. Garrus realized she was touching her communication implant. Miranda had mentioned putting one in. Had he said something that did not translate? Dr. Cole – or, rather, Kaya – cocked her head slightly and asked, "Spirits? I'm sorry, maybe it's a really personal question, but what exactly does that mean? I mean, the connotations in human religions are pretty diverse. The translator doesn't exactly provide context." 

"No, that's alright," Garrus said, finding it curious that she asked. Humans never seemed that interested in Turian metaphysics. "It's not like ghosts or angels. Groups or places can have a 'spirit.' It's an embodiment of what that unit or city or forest stands for. They're not really gods, though. They just are. I don't know – it was never really my area of study."

"Sounds kind of like Kami," she said, and it was his turn to tilt his head in curiosity. "Um, sorry. There's a small religion on earth. Shinto. My grandparents believed in it. We have spirits called Kami that embody different qualities, some of which humans are supposed to aspire to."

Garrus nodded. "Hmm. Sounds similar."

"Yeah. It's really fascinating, really, all the similarities I'm finding in my research. And, of course, no one really seems to be focused on that. Even after a war that almost ended creation itself. It's very … human. Man, if I went back to my time and told them about all of this. Reapers. The commonalities between alien races. Philosophers and astro-biologists of my day never would have predicted that. It would have been considered a juvenile fantasy, hopelessly anthropocentric and existing purely to make science fiction easier to depict. At best I would be discredited. As the worst, they would probably lock me up somewhere with padded white walls."

_Funny you should mention it. I'm sure some of the brass wanted to lock Shepard away like that._ Even after all these years, it surprised Garrus how angry the council's hesitation and outright denial could still make him. 

Kaya must have noticed. "You know, this might be a really offensive thing to say. But, well, screw it. There's something very human about how in denial everyone was. All the other races, you reacted the way humans have when countless wars were at our doorstep. From an evolutionary perspective, it really is fascinating."

"It's not offensive at all. But, is this is what you want you want to talk about?" Garrus laughed. "Comparative astrobiology?"

Kaya shrugged her shoulders with a smile. "Yeah, I'm weird like that. Anyway, I'll let you get back to work."

She gave a little half-wave that reminded Garrus almost of a salute, and then the small human turned on her heel and headed back to the Mess. Garrus would not have thought that she could get more interesting beyond telepathic pre-contact human, but Kaya Cole was an strange character indeed.

* * *

The door to Liara's cabin opened, but she did not look up from her monitor. "Glyph, postpone the deployment at the Archives. It looks like we're expected."

"Certainly, Dr. T'Soni," the drone said merrily. "Welcome, Dr. Cole."

That got Liara's attention. She turned with raised eyebrows to see the young woman standing just in front of the door as it shut behind her.

"Sorry. I was looking for Kaidan," she said quietly. Her eyes were wide as she looked around the room, taking in the Shadow Broker's mobile base of operations. She seemed particularly interested Glyph, and Liara realized Dr. Cole had likely never seen a drone before.

Kaidan had warned Liara that he offered an open door policy to Dr. Cole, but Kaya had yet to take him up on it. It had been endearing to watch him take her under his wing over the past couple days. Kaidan clearly related to the young woman, and he made a point of mentioning that Kaya and Liara would likely get along. Something about an annoying level of curiosity.

Kaya rolled her eyes. "He's a nerd, too. And he knows it." She stopped, wincing as she bit down on the tip of her tongue. "Sorry. I didn't mean – I haven't been meaning to – It's just that whatever happened – Well, it's sometimes hard to distinguish actual voices from peoples' voices in my head. That came out wrong. What I meant–"

"I understand what you meant," Liara said kindly. "And you're right. He is a nerd, even if he doesn't want to admit it."

Kaya smiled and nodded, taking a couple of steps into the room. "Thanks. And, seriously, sorry. I used to be a lot better at blocking people out. But, now it's like – it's like keeping your eyes open and trying to only see some colors." She looked around uncertainly before asking, "So, what is a shadow broker, anyway?"

"An information trader. And it's the Shadow Broker, actually. It's a title," Liara explained. She watched Kaya's eyes go wide, flickering between Liara and her equipment. "You're reading my mind again, aren't you?"

"Shit. Yes. Sorry," Kaya said, wincing. "But, wow. I mean, does everyone on this ship have a thousand crazy stories?"

"Apparently," Liara said with a sad smile. It had clearly not quite sunk in yet for Kaya that she now had one of those crazy stories, too. "And, really, don't worry. Your ability is fascinating. Have you learned any more about how it works?"

Kaya shook her head. "There's a surprising lack of knowledge on telepathy, given that a few species demonstrate some form of it. Shepard thinks that the ExoGeni corporation might have secret data from the Thorian–"

"I've been trying to obtain that, but our asset at ExoGeni reports that everything has been wiped. The old data in the Shadow Broker files is not very helpful in answering your questions," Liara said, hoping her frustration did not come off as aggression. The black hole in the data surrounding telepathic abilities among humans, however, had been maddening. "I wish we had gathered more information from Javik. His ability was not identical to yours, but it could have held hints."

"Yeah. Well, don't voice that opinion around Shepard," Kaya said. She hastily amended, "She feels guilty enough about letting Javik go. Now, add to it the fact that he could have understood what's happening to me, and, well. She really tries to hold the world on her shoulders, doesn't she?"

"I don't think anyone would have been able to convince Javik otherwise," Liara said sadly.

"Can you tell me about him? I mean, it sounds like we would have had a few key pieces in common."

Liara and Kaya talked about Javik before turning to the Protheans in general. It was quite nice, getting engrossed in a rather academic conversation. Kaya was visibly fascinated by Liara's work, and she demonstrated a firm grasp of the sociopolitical implications of the revelations Javik's awakening brought to light. But, Liara noted that Kaya never once actually asked about Javik's unusual sensory abilities or time spent in cryostasis. Her questions were about culture and technology. The Reapers. All of the elements that were harder to tie back into her own life. Engrossed in their conversation, the two moved over to the couch in the corner of the cabin, and Liara was pleased to see Kaya at ease, one arm draped over the back of the sofa. They were only interrupted an hour after Kaya entered by the sound of the door. Kaidan was standing in the doorway with a bottle of wine. He staggered back a bit in surprise before breaking into a grin. 

"Is now a bad time?"

Kaya looked between Liara and Kaidan with an amused half-smile. "No way. Don't let me interrupt date night. I'm supposed to be introducing myself to the rest of the crew, anyway. We just got caught up talking." She stood and threw a little half wave Liara's way. "Thanks. For talking. This was nice."

Kaya saluted Kaidan with two fingers and sauntered out the door. Her posture was markedly different from when she entered earlier. It was certainly light-years away from the Kaya she had spotted through the med bay window.

"Wow. What did you two talk about?" Kaidan asked, sitting down on the couch.

"Protheans," Liara said, earning a skeptical look. "She has an interest in archeology and anthropology. She majored in it, actually, before turning to medicine. I think it was nice for her to forget, for a little while, about her own life."

Kaidan leaned in to kiss Liara on the cheek. "Thank you. I'd been starting to really worry about her. I mean, it's not right, keeping her locked up on this ship. So, I'll pop this open, and you grab the glasses?"

 

 

 


	7. Blue

James saw the elevator door open out of the corner of his eye and glanced over to see who was interrupting the silence of the shuttle bay. It had been particularly empty this evening, leaving James only the company of his thoughts and the Normandy's gentle hum. The crew was waiting around on the upper decks to find out when and were (or, really, if) that Turian-Krogan summit was happening. So, he had the shuttle bay to himself for the night. It was starting to get lonely. James would have even welcomed Jack wandering down from her hidey-hole. (Okay, he was probably not _that_ desperate for company.) The person standing over at the armor bench, however, was more surprising an arrival than even Jack. Kaya Cole was looking curiously at the instruments, apparently not having noticed his presence. James completed one last pull-up and wiped his hands on a towel, glancing over at Shepard's strange charge. She looked a lot healthier, but she was still so _tiny_. On a military ship, a guy got used to everyone being pretty fit. Kaya did not look like she could do a single push up.

_She's pretty damn cute, though._

Kaya looked over suddenly and called out to him, "I should probably be offended by that. But, I'm more worried that you're right."

She grabbed at her right bicep, flexing it as well as she could, and James could feel the heat rising to his face. Right. Checking out the psychic _chica_. _Way to go, Vega._

Kaya snorted and started walking toward him. "I meant about the push ups, marine. Also, relax. Your thought processes were completely tame. Be inside my head for long enough and you hear a hell of a lot worse."

"As in you have a very dirty mind, or–"

Kaya stopped, leaning back and raising an eyebrow with a tiny smirk. _Yep. Definitely really cute._

She raised her eyebrow further at James's thought, but the slight smile grew as well. "Oh man, you have no idea how nice that is to hear. Everyone else around here keeps walking on damn egg shells, thinking that I look like a skeleton. Thinking that they can't joke around. Crack a smile, damn it. It's driving me up a wall."

"You've been through a lot, Blue."

"Blue?"

_Said that out loud, huh?_ "For your eyes," James said with a shrug.

They _were_  the brightest blue. With the depressed shadows still crossing her face, Kaya's eyes were piercing and cold. Scary, even. But, James imagined that if Kaya _really_ laughed or smiled, they would light up brilliantly. 

"Most people who can't handle two syllables just call me Kai." _Yeah, no._ James found himself clenching his teeth at that name, wondering how to exactly explain– "Oh. Oh. Damn. Okay. Not going to borrow a nickname from an assassin. Good to know."

James blinked, trying to wrap his head around the _strange_ nature of their conversation. "Don’t take this the wrong way or anything, Blue, but–" 

"I'm really creepy?" she finished, smiling softly in a reassuring way. "Yeah. Sorry. I'm still trying to get a handle on how amped up my power is now. I really freaked out Vakarian and Dr. T'Soni, too. Although _they_ weren't going to say anything."

"Someone around here has to keep everyone honest," he said, mirroring the playful smirk that had found its way to Kaya's lips.

Kaya studied him for a moment before saying, "I might hold you to that. It's – a rare thing, finding people who are truly honest."

"Oh man. You're not about to shatter my world view and tell me how much people suck, are you?"

She shook her head. "Some people suck. A lot. And if you think I'm creepy, you should try peeking inside one of those minds sometimes. But, most people are pretty good, in the end. We just all lie. A lot. About things that don't even matter. So, it gets kind of old. Especially the part where I pretend to believe all the lies."

"Wait, do people try to lie to you after they know you can read their mind?"

Kaya pursed her lips, considering that question. Of course, James had meant it as a joke. Lying to a psychic sounded like a special kind of stupidity.

"With surprising frequency," she finally said. "But, not usually on purpose. It's more, um, about socially conditioned lies. It's hard to explain, because people don't usually realize they're doing it. But, I don't know, romantic relationships are always the prime example. Not that I ever told anyone I was involved with, but people just don’t say what they actually feel. Not at the beginning. You know? And then there have been times, in the CIA, where someone would try to get stuff by me. And, it can be done. I only see what people are actively thinking about. But, it only takes a half-second of something accidentally rising to the surface, and you're busted. 

"Anyway. God. I didn't mean to come down here and get all serious on you," she said, running a hand through her long black hair. "I just came down to say 'hi.' And thanks. For helping get me off Omega, I mean."

"Just doing my job, Blue."

"Yeah. Still," she said softly. "You know, it's kind of nice. I've never had so many people know what I am. But, you guys don't see me as a freak. I mean, you've handled a lot weirder things. Liara was telling me about Javik. The similarities are there, sure, but he had me beat."

"Oh, yeah. All his talk about us being 'primatives.' Drove me up a wall, at first. Now I kind of miss Buggy."

"Buggy?" Kaya chuckled. "You have a thing for nicknames, huh? What do you call the rest of the crew?"

James laughed. "Well, the Commander's Lola–"

"She does not let you call her that," Kaya insisted in disbelief.

"My rugged good looks help me get away with a lot," James said. Kaya chuckled, and the laughter reached her eyes for the first time since she had come to the lower deck. She was pretty, when she laughed like that. The pain was gone, if only for a moment. "Anyway, Garrus is Scars. Alenko's L2, although he doesn't really like that one. Liara is Doc."

"Shouldn't Liara be Blue? Or is that racist?" 

"Heh. No. I don't think so, anyway. I'm not exactly the guy to ask about political correctness," James mused. "Anyway, she's Doc. I suppose I could call her Blue and you – what? – Peaches?"

"Oh hell no," she shot back, crossing her arms. James almost laughed aloud at how much the posture reminded him of Shepard. "You're not nicknaming me after a damn stripper."

"Hah! Okay, I won't call you that. To your face."

She glared at him, and James felt his smile growing. It might be fun to keep Blue aboard the Normandy for a while.

"If you even think the name Peaches again, I'll know. Remember?" 

"Damn," he said, still smiling. She narrowed her eyes at him, and he held up his hands in mock surrender. "Okay, okay. It'll just be Blue. Anyway, where was I? Yeah, okay, so I don't have a nickname for Jack. Pretty sure she'd blast me across the room if I tried. And Joker doesn't need another nickname."

"Joker?"

"Moreau. The Normandy's pilot," James explained. "Everyone just calls him Joker. He's not as funny as he thinks, but he's a pretty cool guy. We've run together for a while."

"Gotcha. He's the last person on my list," Kaya nodded. "Right, that probably sounded weird. I'm just trying to introduce myself to everyone who knows about the whole _woke up from cryo with psychic powers_ thing."

"Well, don't let me keep you. It was nice to meet you," James said. As she rocked back on her heels, getting ready to turn around, James thought of something.  _Aw, hell, why not?_ "Hey, um, Lola probably won't like this, but I play poker with some of the guys on occasion. If we get a game together, you in?" 

"I wouldn't have anything to bet with," she said, shrugging and gesturing with open palms. "They don't exactly just keep your assets nice and tucked away when you die." 

"Clothes off your back tend to work just fine, traditionally," he said with an impish grin, hoping the joke would cut the tension. She was so casual about the whole  _dying_ thing. It was disquieting.

Kaya rolled her eyes, but she was smiling slightly. "Uh huh. I'll come hang out with you guys, but you do realize that poker with a psychic is a really bad idea, right?"

"Oh. Yeah."

"See. Like I said. The whole telepath thing totally isn't phasing you guys. It's kind of nice. Really nice, actually. " She turned to leave, tossing a lazy salute. "I'll see you around, James Vega."

* * *

There was unfamiliar footfall on the bridge behind Joker as the cockpit door opened. A high pitched gasp got his attention, and he turned his chair with a raised eyebrow. Kaya Cole was walking toward him. Past him, really. She walked rapidly up to the front window and put her hands on the console. She was standing on her tiptoes trying to get a better view.

Shepard had described Cole as broken and beyond messed up. But, that picture was at odds with the young woman looking out the window now. Her eyes were lit up, like she was seeing space for the first time. Then, Joker realized with a start, she probably was.

"Yeah, it's pretty cool," he said, cocking his head at her outfit. Since when did Shepard go around lending out her special forces gear?

Kaya did not turn her head from the window as she apologized, "Sorry. Hi. I was just – wow. It's quite a view you've got. I'm just, you know, exploring." She came back down onto the flats of her feet and looked at him. "Am I allowed to be up here? If I'm invading your space or something–"

"Knock yourself out," Joker said. Shepard had given him a very pointed (and unnecessary) lecture about being nice to their guest. "Let me know if you have any questions. I know this baby better than anyone."

Kaya smiled at his welcome and turned to look back out the window. "Oh, I wouldn't even know where to start. This technology goes so far past anything people in my time would have dreamed of."

"Huh," Joker hummed. She was just so upfront about it. She was a real-life time traveler, even though all of his old physics classes had declared that physically impossible. _Always were a bunch of sanctimonious bastards._ She raised an eyebrow at him. "Sorry. You're just so matter-of-fact about it, ma'am." 

"You – you did _not_ just call me ma'am," she said, turning to him.

"Sorry, Doctor," he amended quickly, remembering that young civilians typically did not appreciate that honorific.

She rolled her eyes. "It's just Kaya, okay? All you damned military kids need to calm down."

Joker let out a bark of a laugh at that. "Roger that. I've been trying to tell everyone for years, though. Word of advice. They won't."

She smiled and nodded. "Yeah. You would think that a top secret intelligence operation would be a little more fast and loose. More double-oh-seven, you know? Nope. Everyone had a stick up their ass. I was looking forward to going to Mars, just to get away from it all."

Joker had been worried that having some super secret agent aboard would be annoying or downright uncomfortable. He had known a few people from Alliance Intelligence, actual spooks who either walked around as if they owned the place or would lurk unnecessarily in the shadows. But, Kaya just seemed so  _normal._ Joker figured they would get along just fine.

"As to your comment," Kaya was saying, "It just – I don't know. It hasn't set in yet. There's just way too much information to process. Time travel. Mass relays. The Council. The Citadel. The other sentient fucking races that we happen to share a galaxy with. And, oh yeah, a psychopath mad scientist kidnapped and tortured me. That was fun."

Joker's eyes went wide. _That_ escalated quickly. 

"Sorry," she said, turning her shoulders squarely to the window. "That was unnecessary."

"No need to apologize to me," he insisted. "You should be making angry jokes. I happen to believe angry jokes are always helpful."

"Thus the name?"

"Actually, my old C.O. stuck me with it because I never smiled. During flight school, I had a real stick up my ass trying to prove myself," he said. "I'm happy to announce that I have been cured of my condition, but the name stuck."

She nodded, visibly relaxing a bit. "I can relate. That was me in medical school. My mom was a doctor herself. Kind of a big deal. Like, she worked in the Senate for a while, was buddies with the President. All kinds of crazy stuff. And then I was her daughter. God, I resented her for my couple years of med school. All of my professors knew her. Respected her. She was the idol of some of my classmates. It was too much."

"Oh, woe is me. I'm a genius whose mom knew the President of the United States," Joker said, realizing too late that antagonizing the recently tortured time traveler might not be the best idea. Much to his relief, she laughed. "My struggles were way more noble," he insisted lightheartedly. "I was an arrogant kid trying to prove everyone wrong."

"About?" 

"My ability to fly. I was the best damn pilot in my class. But, er–"

_Wait, what kind of sorcery was this? I don't just run around blabbing out, "Hi everyone! I have Vrolik syndrome. Don't shake my hand too hard."_

"Whoa. That's intense. Back in my day – I looked into being a pilot, once. I wanted to be an astronaut," she said sheepishly. "But the fitness requirements were crazy high. No inertial dampeners, I guess. If I was born today – oh, shit. I'm sorry, Joker. I didn't mean to–"

Joker leaned back into his chair with wide eyes. "You just read my mind, didn't you?" he asked in amusement.

He should feel offended. Violated. But, instead Joker was just kind of impressed. That may have been due to the cute girl discussing wanting to be an astronaut, like a character from an old vid. Kaya was continuing to apologize, finally having turned to face Joker. But, as Joker chuckled, she brought herself up short. Kaya smiled, biting at her lip and blushing before turning back to the window.

"Don’t worry about it," he said, rapidly changing topics. "The mindreading thing. You were going to find out eventually. It's public knowledge. And, I guess I was probably going to tell you anyway. You're a doctor, after all. Maybe someone else besides Chakwas can worry about me. The old woman needs a break."

Kaya smiled at that. "I get the impression she's not the sort you can call an 'old woman' to her face. She reminds me of an attending I knew, though. Hard ass son of a bitch when it came to his residents and fourth years. But, if you were his patient, you'd never know. He managed that perfect balance between straightforward and kind. Everyone loved him. Except his students. He pushed us farther than we thought we could go. I bet Dr. Chakwas would be like that. I'm also willing to bet she won't retire unless the Alliance makes her.

"But, there's not a whole lot I could do, Joker. I'm just a _little_ behind on modern medical knowledge. Hell, I never even did my residency. I was supposed to. On Drake's Point. Or, really, I was supposed to when I got back from Drake's Point. Not that I could have ever said that. It was supposed to be a one-way trip."

"Space flight didn't take _that_ long before FTL," Joker noted, confused.

"Sure, but it was just how things how things were done. If you went to the colonies, you were going for life. It was about establishing an actual population on another planet," Kaya explained. "Of course, then that never really happened on Mars. Not to the degree we were expecting."

"After they found the archives and mass relays, I guess things changed," Joker mused. "Huh. So, you really picked up your whole life? You were going to move to Mars and die there?" 

"No. I was there for a mission, to gather intel on the colony. If I wasn't the world's only psychic and Drake's Point had actually turned out to be a decent place, then – yeah, I would have. It would have been me and my mom, playing space cowboys," she said with a sad smile. She finally turned to face Joker fully, leaning against the console. "You have to realize what it was like back then. Traveling to other planets was a pretty novel thing. I was just a kid when the first Martian research base was established. It was an adventure. And getting selected to go as one of the first civilians was a huge honor. Yeah, we would have died on Mars. But we would have been some of the first people to do that."

Joker let out a low whistle. There was a reverence in Kaya's voice that he could appreciate. Most people took space travel for granted, but Joker never would. Being at the helm of the Normandy had that humbling effect. And Kaya understood.

"I can't even imagine," he said. "I mean, now and days, most human colonies are considered the back-ass end of nowhere."

"I know," she said, shaking her head. "It reminds me of some old shows. Vids, as you lot say. There was one my grandmother loved. I had a stuffed version of the spaceship from it. When I was older, they remade it. Not as good. But, it was so interesting, seeing what people thought space travel would be like. Before it was a reality. Some things they were pretty spot on about. That being said, if anyone had, you know, made a show about humanity discovering ancient alien artifacts on Mars, it would have been considered satire."

Joker laughed. "This must all be beyond weird for you."

"It's fucking crazy," she admitted. "But, speaking of space travel and strange realities, I should let you get back to work. I have a lot of reading to catch up on."

"Have fun," he said, waving as she exited the cockpit. Joker stared at the closed door for a while, ruminating on everything Kaya had said. A girl who wanted to be an "astronaut," who was willing to be one of the first humans to die on another planet. That alone would have been interesting enough. With everything else, well, Joker found himself hoping that Kaya was sticking with them for a while.

* * *

Kaya pressed her hands against the glass. Karin had finally given her the okay to move out of the medical bay, and Shepard had given Kaya free reign over an observation deck. It had a giant window onto the stars. Outside of Joker's cockpit, this was the first time she really felt like she was on a spaceship. The C.I.C. had been impressive, like something taken right out of a science fiction show. But, looking out into empty space – where the stars looked close enough to touch – the real magic of her situation set in. 

For all of the bullshit and pain, she was on a spaceship. In a time where spaceships were not so fantastical. It was _something_. 

_"Mars?" Mom said, voice breaking. She was smiling so big, tears welling in her eyes. "Oh, sweetie, I've dreamed of something like this since I was a little girl."_

_Kaya tried to act surprised, and she gave her mother a big hug. Cain had already told her about this. Drake's Point wanted to recruit her mother, but they were also interested in the younger Dr. Cole. Play her cards right, and she could get planet-side. She could find out what the hell was really going on out there._

_Surely, it could not be as bad as the intelligence said._

_"Traveling through space with my daughter," Mom said, pulling away. Kaya was brought back into the moment, trying to mirror her mother's excitement. It was not particularly hard. "Living on another planet. Oh, Kai, isn't it wonderful?"_

Kaya pressed her forehead to the glass and shut her eyes. "Yeah, Mom, it is. I wish you were here to see it."

She tried not to think about how her mother's blood was on her hands. She tried not to imagine what had happened when the life support aboard the Magellan failed for everyone but her. But, her efforts failing, hot tears poured out over her cheeks. _Damn it._ She had been doing so well. These people aboard the Normandy were incredible. Interesting. Kind.

But, all Kaya could think back to was a high school English class. She felt like Lady Macbeth. The blood stains on her hands would not be washed away.

 


	8. Sanctuary

_If you managed to get this far, you must be desperate or stupid. Listen to me. This is not a refugee camp._

Kaya woke up screaming. The screaming gave way to panicked sobs, and she was unable to find the emotional fortitude to stop. The lights flicked on as the door opened and Joker Moreau hobbled into the room. His eyes widened at the sight of her. The room around her was in complete disarray. Furniture was thrown about. The mirror behind the bar was smashed. Broken glass lay everywhere, even in the furthest corners of the room. Some had cut across Kaya's face and hands, leaving red streaks blooming against her pale skin. She sat in the center of the storm in her pajamas, curled into a ball and staring up, unseeing, at the Normandy's pilot.

"What the hell?" Garrus exclaimed as ran into the doorway, mouth agape.

"Go get Shepard," Joker said, moving cautiously into the room. "Kaya, can you hear me?"

_A banshee screamed in the distance._

A surge of energy washed over Kaya, causing her hair to stand on end and her muscles to tense. She prepared for pain, as she had so many times in Marcus's makeshift torture chamber. Instead, there was a flash of blue light, and one of the large leather chairs flew across the room. It knocked Joker off of his feet and into the far wall. Kaya wanted to scream, but she was barely able to breathe. Garrus shouted out in shock instead and ran after Joker, pulling the chair hastily off of him.

"I'm okay," Joker groaned. "I mean, not really. Everything's broken. Shit."

_No. No, this wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. It had to stop. Just make it stop._

Jack ran into the room next. She threw up her hand, and a bubble of blue light suddenly surrounded Kaya. "You assholes okay?" she called over, surveying the damage. Joker only groaned, while Garrus called out to Shepard over the comm. 

"Damn it. I think she's asleep. I'll be right back." He ran out of the room, and Kaya could hear him thinking about sleeping pills and trauma-filled nightmares.

"Kaya," Jack said cautiously, stepping inside the containment field. "Kaya, it's Jack. Can you hear me?"

_Turns out you can turn a scared little kid into an all-powerful bitch._

She looked up at Jack, taking in the calm control she exuded. There was worry under the surface, but this was hardly the first time Jack had dealt with a young biotic's powers going haywire. It wasn't her first dance with PTSD, either.

"Yes. Fuck," Kaya groaned, resting her head on her knees. The buzzing around her would not stop, even though Kaya could feel it draining the life out of her. "What happened?"

"Well, you almost killed Joker," Jack said, kneeling down.

Kaya looked over, her heart slamming into her throat. Joker was sitting up against the wall, his cap askew. _Oh god._ He said something about broken bones. That was  _her_ fault. Kaya tried to stand and help, but Jack forced her back down. Her biotics flared up again in a blast of blue light, but there was nothing within the containment field to throw except Jack. And it would apparently take a lot more than that to move the most powerful human biotic in the known galaxy.

"I'm fine, Kaya," Joker said weakly.

_I just fucking threw you across the room. I'd be worried about anyone, but you–_

"Kaya. Calm down!" Jack yelled. "Get your biotics under control. Now!" 

Kaya's attention was snapped back inside the containment field, where her entire body was lit up. Jack was levitating off the ground just slightly, but she was heavily resisting Kaya's power. Bright light danced around both women, and Kaya felt the mental and physical exhaustion building. Then, it was like having a joint dislocate under pressure. The light was gone, and Kaya collapsed onto her back. Where there had once been pure energy, she was numb and empty. There was no pain, but Kaya felt like there should be.

"What the hell was that?" she asked weakly. 

"That implant does a lot more than amp up your telepathy," Jack said. "So you just need to calm down. Freakout out like that makes the implants go crazy. Try to breathe." 

Kaya did, but all that came out was a strangled sob. She started crying in earnest, out of fear and exhaustion. She heard Jack thinking about lowering the containment field to give Kaya a reassuring pat on the shoulder. But, Jack worried that more physical contact would just set Kaya off again. Somewhere, in the space between sobs, Kaya felt the uncharacteristic empathy. Kaya had trained herself – forced herself, really – to remember that people's actions were important. They thought about all kinds of things, but most of it would never actually get done. A person's thoughts defined them far less than most would admit. But, still – even though the haze of pure panic and adrenaline – Kaya appreciated Jack's brief moment of consideration. Physical contact was not exactly a common outlet for Jack's kinder emotions.

The trio sat in shocked silence for a few minutes. Kaya still wanted to get up and help Joker, but she was so tired. And she might just end up hurting him again. It was a relief when Shepard came running into the room, wearing an N7 tracksuit that matched Kaya's. She looked around for a moment, calmly appraising the situation, before turning to Joker.

"Garrus, get Joker into the med bay and wake up Dr. Chakwas," she ordered, stepping to the edge of Jack's containment field.

_Was wondering when this would happen. There was no way she was okay. Didn't think she'd take out my pilot though._

"I'm sorry," Kaya choked out, feeling the cool metal of the floor pressed up against the shaved part of her scalp. She shut her eyes and tried to focus on it, willing away all of the noise in the room. It did not work.

"For what? Hurting Joker?" Jack laughed. "Little shit will be fine. He breaks a rib if he sneezes too hard."

"Not helping," Shepard warned. 

Garrus was helping Joker out the door. "Carried by a turian. On my own damn ship. If the people at flight school could see me now," he groaned.

"Jack, go help them," Shepard ordered.

"But–"

"Go. I can put up another containment field if I need to."

Kaya could feel the waves of annoyance from Jack, but she left all the same. Shepard sat down on the floor next to Kaya as the door shut. She remained silent, wondering what the hell had happened but waiting for Kaya to make the first move. Kaya looked out the window of the observation deck through half-closed eyes. There was beauty and serenity on the other side of the glass, but the inside of the Normandy was chaos. Nobody else could see it, especially not in the middle of the night shift. But the nightmares were running rampant in her skull. 

She and Shepard sat there for a long time before Kaya finally was able to say one word. "Sanctuary.

"Our memories–" Shepard trailed off, uncertain of what else to say as everything clicked into place. 

"I bet that's far from the worst thing you've even seen," Kaya said softly.

Shepard shook her head. "No. That was up there. What happened to those people. Turning refugees into test subjects. It was unforgivable. Grotesque. I still have nightmares, but I suppose you already knew that. I’m sorry."

Kaya sat up slowly. Every muscle ached with exhaustion, but she eventually was curled up, her arms wrapped around her knees. "It's not your fault, Shepard," she insisted. "I just – I mean, it was bad enough on its own. And then – I keep thinking about Drake's Point. I was supposed to stop them. I still don't know what really happened. There was a lot redacted in the files. Maybe I don't want to know. But, if it was anything like that–"

She trailed off, leaving an uncomfortable silence between them. Kaya tried to find some comfort in how worried Shepard was. This woman, who barely knew her, genuinely cared. But, then Kaya saw her own image in Shepard's mind: mascara running down her face, hair a tangled mess, blood dripping down her temple. She raised a hand to her head, and it came away covered in warm, dark liquid. She had not even felt the glass cutting into her face.

The sound of the door opening made Kaya jump. Dr. Chakwas walked in and immediately set to running a scan with her Omni-tool. "These neural readings are off the charts, Major. Kaya, I can give you a sedative."

She nodded. "Probably not necessary. I'm exhausted. But, that would be nice. I just want to go back to sleep."

* * *

Garrus set Joker down on the examination table. Pain shot up the pilot's side. Oh yeah, he had definitely fractured his hip. He just barely refrained from letting out a sharp hiss through his teeth. Joker had known worse, although this particular incident was up high on the list. To take his mind of the pain, he focused instead on the absolute awkwardness of the moment. Garrus had carried him in – carried him in, like some damsel in distress – and now Joker was sitting in the medical bay without a shirt. He had been undressing for a couple hours of rack time when Kaya started screaming.

Jack came storming into the med bay, breaking the terse silence. "Shepard kicked me out," she muttered.

"What the hell was that?" Garrus asked her. 

"Fucking A, what did it look like?" Jack spat back. "Our little telepath's got biotic powers after all, and a healthy dose of trauma to boot. The two don't usually mix well."

"None of the other kids at the Academy–"

"Have biotics," Jack interrupted Garrus. "None of them have implants, either. And, fuck. Now the fucking Alliance is probably gonna wanna run some experiments. See if they can get the Indigo field operatives like Kaya–"

"Shepard's not going to let that happen," Garrus said.

"Shepard isn't exactly in control, Vakarian," Jack shot back, her voice rising.

"Enough!" Joker interrupted them. It was bad enough being in blinding pain, without the two of them going at it. "Will you two just shut up for a minute?"

Garrus and Jack both looked at him with surprise, but they did fall into a stony silence. Joker was grateful for the quiet, but only for a moment. In the still, he started remembering what Kaya had looked like, curled up on the floor and screaming. A sharp line of red cut across her pale face. Her eyes were feral and unfocused at the same time. What had she seen? What kind of horrors could get _that_ kind of reaction? Of course, that was possibly not a question Joker wanted the answer to.

Chakwas soon came into the room and began fretting over Joker in her pajamas. Her hair was sticking out at odd angles, and it occurred to Joker that he had never seen her in a state of disarray. They shared quarters, sure, but she seemed to roll out of bed with that characteristic professionalism already in place. Hell, she looked more put together coming off the Collector base. Dr. Chakwas was making tutting noises as she pulled up her Omni-tool and began a scan. It was really just a formality. He already knew exactly where the injuries were: hip, ribs, sternum. His wrist had broken, too, when he tried to brace his fall. _Stupid._

The doctor opened a bottle of pain relievers and handed it to him, before rushing off to find something in a cabinet. He dry swallowed a couple of pills, doing his best not to move. Still, a few slight motions caused him to wince in pain. There was not really a good position for his combination of injuries. The cybernetic upgrades Cerberus had helped out with were already starting to weave together the broken bones and release anesthetic, but it would be a few minutes before the pain was really gone.

Chakwas brought over some immobilizing wraps, and Joker waved her away with his unbroken arm, "Doc, I'm fine. I've had worse. Go check on Shepard and Kaya." She rocked back on her heels and tilted her head, before turning and heading out the door.

An awkward silence filled the room behind her. Joker tried to think of something to say, but what was there? _Oh, hey guys, that whole thing with the recently tortured, telepathic, ninety-five year old girl discovering her biotics was kind of weird, right?_

"I don't think I've ever seen a human use biotics like that. Not without an amp," Garrus finally said.

"I could," Jack grumbled. Joker was not sure if she was being petulant and prideful, or if she was empathizing with Kaya. "But that chair move was pretty impressive without any training."

"Ha. Ha," Joker said dryly.

The corner of her lips twitched up. "Hell, she was able to levitate me. Kaidan and me–"

They were interrupted as Chakwas returned with Shepard and Kaya. The young doctor's eyes were closed as she put most of her weight on Shepard. They shuffled past Joker, and seeing her in the bright lights of the room was even more jarring. She had a large gash across her head, and blood was dripping down onto her face and neck. It covered the splotches of black from running mascara, creating a macabre painting across her cheek. Shepard lifted Kaya onto the table, and she lay still as soon as her head hit the pillow.

Chakwas started running scans with her Omni-tool as Shepard turned to Joker. "You okay?"

"I'll live," he said, nodding over in Kaya's direction. "Her?" 

Shepard pressed her lips into a tight line and punted the question. "Doctor?"

"The implant is functioning normally, and there doesn't seem to be any damage to her nervous system," Chakwas said. "This cut's not pretty, but it's nothing serious. What exactly happened, Shepard?"

Shepard raised an eyebrow at Joker and Garrus. "Good question."

"I was getting ready to catch some rack, and I heard screaming," Joker said, kicking into a semi-automatic debriefing mode. "I went in and she looked … feral. The whole room looked like we had pulled a barrel roll with the inertial dampeners off. And then, next thing I know, something slammed against me and threw me into the bulkhead." 

"Any other time, I would say it had to be on purpose," Garrus mused. "It was a controlled pull."

Joker rolled his eyes. "I don't think–"

"I said any other time," Garrus insisted. "It was just unusual. Did she say anything to you, Shepard?"

Shepard's eyes went dark. She chewed on her bottom lip, considering something before saying, "She had a flashback. A bad one."

Joker's brow furrowed. He had only talked to Kaya a couple of times, but he had looked up that incident in Japan. He had been expecting a super hero origin story – powerless teen gets exposed to radioactivity and starts wearing a cape, saving the world. The reality was far less epic. It was downright horrific. Joker had known soldiers with P.T.S.D. before. Hell, he had shown signs of a mild case right before the war. The Alliance shrinks had prescribed him a few types of pills, anyway, after he was taken into custody. Joker did know that instability could trigger a new episode, and he wondered if that was the case for Kaya. 

"I need to get in touch with Alliance brass," Shepard was saying. "I'm supposed to file updates – Jack, I'm not going to let them do anything to her."

Jack's hand was lit up with blue light as she stood tensely in the corner. "I don't trust–"

"I know. But, you work for Grissom Academy. You know they don't work like that," Shepard said, pinching at the bridge of her nose in annoyance and exhaustion. "But, if Kaya's a danger to this ship – if she's a danger to herself – then we need to find somewhere else for her to go. They won't send her to Grissom, so I don't know where she'll end up. But, she'll be safe. I won't hand her over if I doubt that, Jack."

Jack seemed unconvinced, but she stormed out without another word. Chakwas had started fussing over Joker again, setting his chest in an immobilizing wrap. He winced as the medicated fabric tightened around his torso, and he watched Shepard and Garrus leave after Jack. When the door closed, his eyes flicked back over to Kaya. Her head was bandaged, and Chakwas had wiped off her face. She looked broken in her sleep, so at odds with the curious young woman who had bounded uninvited into the cockpit of an Alliance frigate. Who had talked about wanting to be an astronaut and dying on Mars with a kind of reverence. 

He found himself worrying over Jack's concern. What if she was right? The original Project Indigo sounded sketchy as fuck. They recruited a fifteen year old girl. And then they sent her to a colony owned and operated by the very people she was trying to take down. In the Mess, Kaya even alluded to being brought on missions when she was just a kid, reading the minds of foreign diplomats at dinner parties. If the Alliance brass knew what she could really do, what kind of weapon might they turn her into?


	9. Aftermath

The med bay lights were dimmed, but Kaya recognized the smell of antiseptic before she opened her eyes. She sat up, breathing deeply into her back and giving it a satisfying crack. She was having trouble remembering _why_ she was back in the medical bay. Hadn't she slept on the observation deck, after Chakwas finally relented on her order to keep Kaya in a hospital bed?

And then the memories of the night before flooded back, sharp and painful. Across from her, Joker was propped up on another bed, looking at a datapad. He looked up at her, and Kaya felt her breath catch in her throat. She should say something. Apologize. She opened her mouth, brows knit together as she tried to find an appropriate way of saying, "I'm sorry I almost killed you with a chair."

Joker smiled at her. _Smiled._ "Don't," he said.

Why did everyone on this damn ship have to be so overly nice to her all of the time? She didn't deserve it. She thought for a moment about lashing out, but instead she settled on a soft, "I thought I was the psychic one." 

He smiled sadly, punctuating the monologue that followed with the occasional strong gesture. "Everyone on this ship. Every single goddamned person. Everyone was nightmares. Everyone has trauma. We've all been to hell and back, somewhere. Some people were on Earth, fighting in the resistance when the Reapers attacked. Some of us have stuck with Shepard from the start, and there's a whole host of PTSD-inducing stories right there. Even my broken ass has seen some combat, when we were taking down the Collector base. If I had biotics, you can be damn sure I'd throw chairs around sometimes, too."

Kaya could feel the tears welling in her eyes. She impatiently brushed them away and felt a sizable bandage on her left temple. She fiddled with it a bit, wondering how bad the damage was. There had been a lot of blood. She looked quickly to make sure Chakwas was out and pulled it away, touching gingerly at the skin. It had been sealed with that Medi-gel stuff.

"Thanks," Kaya said, setting the bandage aside. "Although I'm not sure that's what I needed to hear. It wasn't one of _my_ nightmares. Apparently these enhanced telepathic abilities mean I get to share in all of yours."

"Well, shit."

Kaya had not meant to put such a bitter edge to her voice. Now, she wished she had kept her big mouth shut. Joker was feeling guilty. _He_ was feeling guilty, while Kaya was the one who landed him in a hospital bed.

"How badly did I mess you up?" she asked, trying to steer the conversation away from herself. Trying to remind him of what had happened. _You stupid masochist, Kai._

Joker raised his eyebrows in surprise at the question, but he gave her the rundown. "Broken sternum, four fractured ribs, fractured hip, broken wrist. I've had worse. Besides, that's what cybernetics are for. It's already healing."

"Seriously?"

"Oh, yeah. The first time the Collectors attacked the ship. A couple crash landings in the Normandy. Breaking bones for me is like, I don't know, getting bruises for everyone else. Trust me, I'll be okay. No grudges or anything." He paused, studying her. "You were talking about the rate of healing, weren't you?"

He was teasing, but his accusation made her feel guilty all the same.

"Maybe," she said sheepishly. "But, I'm glad you're okay. Really. I'm pretty sure getting on the pilot's bad side is bad luck."

Joker grinned. "You can keep believing that's a thing. I'm okay with that."

She laughed a little at that. Joker winked and quickly turned to his datapad. She still found herself smiling slightly, so Kaya turned away to the window to hide her face. She had missed the innocent and temporally inappropriate flirting, in the months leading up Mars. The people she trained with in preparation for the mission were a bunch of no-nonsense assholes. Medical school had been different. Well, there had actually been a lot more not-so-innocent flirting. As the dean always referred to their class as a "family," Kaya had joked about the alarming level of incest.

Remembering back to that time, however, was depressing. Kaya found herself exploring Joker's mind instead before she could actively arrest herself. But, there was darkness there, too. There was a reason why the smiles and jokes did not quite meet this eyes. There was a hole.

_EDI. Enhanced Defense Intelligence._

Something from last night made more sense. A pang of guilt, as Shepard looked over to Joker lying on the floor, not related to the situation at hand. Shepard just always carried this extra burden around him. And now Kaya understood – remembered, perhaps – why. Shepard made the decision on the Citadel, knowing what was being scarified. She still had not talked to anyone but Garrus about it. Even Admiral Hackett didn't know the details.

Kaya wondered when exactly she had heard everything about the end of the war rushing through her mind. Was she really absorbing _that_ much in her sleep? The thought was thoroughly disconcerting.

_"Only now do I feel truly alive. That was your influence."_

Kaya felt a sob rising in her throat. She clenched her teeth and rested her head on her knees. _Find a calmer mind._ It was her mentor Cain's advice, the only thing that sometimes worked when the emotions of others became too much to bear atop her own. Joker's mind certainly wasn't going to help, though. There was a cadet in the Mess, talking to another young private. Flirting with him. It was sweet. Even on a warship, a soldier could feel happy butterflies in his stomach.

Dr. Chakwas was talking to Engineer Adams over by the kitchen island. She saw Kaya looking through the med bay window and headed over. "Looks like my other patient is finally awake," she said as the door opened. "You know, that bandage was there for a reason."

Kaya touched at the healing scar. "I thought Medi-gel was designed to seal out pathogens far better than a physical barrier."

"You've been reading those textbooks, I see." 

"And getting flashbacks–" _Poor choice of words, dummy._ "Er, having unpleasant memories of my second year. There's _so_ much I don't know. I mean, seventy years of medical literature would be intimidating enough _without_ the cumulative knowledge of a newfound, galaxy-wide civilization."

"Well, you haven't been reading closely enough," Chakwas said, taking a sip of tea from a mug she had brought in from the Mess. "Redundant barriers are standard practice, when available."

"Damn," Kaya sighed. It was pretty uncomfortable, having a giant piece of fabric on your face. "So, any idea what the hell happened last night? From a medical perspective, I mean."

"I suspect that, without the implant, any biotic abilities you had were too weak to be noticed. Particularly before anyone knew what biotics were," Chakwas said. "Don’t worry. It's still functioning within normal parameters. You're perfectly safe, and the tissue around the implants is healing well. I am going to give you sedative to take each night, though. It should keep this from happening again."

_Thank god._ If Kaya never had another dream again, it would be too soon. She did not need to go storming through everyone else's nightmares.

"You know, redundant barriers are pretty basic. Maybe I should be testing you on all this," Chakwas said. 

Kaya rolled her eyes. The woman was like Cain and all of Kaya's worst attending physicians rolled into one. The super-mentor. Kaya could just see it.

"Well, I can't be an Alliance inmate forever. Eventually, they're gonna have to let me live my life. And, when they do, I do still wanna practice," Kaya admitted.

"You're not our prisoner, Kaya," Joker interrupted.

"Really?" Kaya said. She raised an eyebrow and gave a bitter laugh. "So if I just decided to get off the ship next time we docked, you'd all just leave me be? Come on, Joker. I'm a valuable fucking asset to the Alliance. So much so that they put the savior of the damn galaxy in charge of babysitting me."

"Protecting you," he insisted. "There could be more psychopath mad scientists out there, who want to bring you along for their next round of Skyllian Five."

"Huh?"

"It's like poker."

"I'm sure that's what the mad scientists have in mind," she said dryly, fidgeting as Chakwas began applying another bandage to her head.

"That's what I would do. If I was an evil scientist, I mean. Take you on a professional circuit. Make bank," he said matter-of-factly, although a smile tugged at one corner of his lips.

"You wouldn't – oh, I don’t know – want to steal some state secrets to sell to terrorists?"

"Nah, too predictable. And evil."

She found herself smiling a little at that. "Well, we could always just break out of here. Or steal the ship. Become professional poker playing pirates."

He chuckled. "Say that five times fast."

Her little grin broke into a full-fledged smile. _Damn it, and here I was all set on being morose and angry at the world._ Kaya felt a little twinge in her chest, though she was not sure who it belonged to. That had been happening some, since Omega. She would feel a pain or laugh that wasn't her own, but it almost felt like it was. Fortunately, it did not happen too often. It seemed limited to strong emotions or close physical proximity. That was a particularly important blessing, with so many high-strung people running about.

Still, Kaya supposed it did not matter whose little flutter of happiness it was. It was sorely needed right now.

* * *

A few hours later, Kaya was lying on her stomach and reading over a datapad from Chakwas. It was a subscription to a medical journal that stretched all the way back to when Kaya's great-grandparents were around. She had started in 2120, looking over a timeline of major medical advancements. The articles from around the time of First Contact were fascinating. The medical profession had been flooded with all kinds of new technology, as well as debates on whether young doctors should now train in astrobiology. Then, Kaya happened upon an article about Vrolik syndrome, and she was down a rabbit hole. 

She felt a little intrusive, investigating his condition with Joker sitting three feet away from her, but not enough to seriously deter her. It was pretty disturbing how little progress had been made, although she supposed even rare diseases would lag in a brave new world of interstellar medicine. The thought made her purse her lips. Her findings on socioeconomic determinants of health had been just as discouraging. If anything, First Contact had exacerbated a whole host of social and economic issues for humanity. The Council races weren't exactly the beacons of moral authority they liked to sell themselves as.

Kaya thought she might have alighted upon a utopia when she first woke up, on the Citadel. She was on a metropolis-sized space station, with people who had essentially brought her back from being clinically dead. But, soon after, the shiny veneer of the Presidium started chipping away. 

"Kaya, you there?"

Shepard's voice snapped her out of her reverie on serious socioeconomic issues. She hadn't heard the door open. Kaya looked up toward the source of the voice, but Joker was the only other person in the med bay. _Oh, great. Now I'm hallucinating, too._

"Kaya?"

She jumped. She could definitely _hear_ Shepard's voice in her right ear, but Shepard was decidedly _not_ in the room.

"You okay?" Joker had set down his datapad and was looking at her with concern.

"I think I might be hallucinating."

Shepard's chuckle rang in her ear. "Shit. Sorry. Forgot to tell you," she said. "It's your communication implant."

Kaya felt her face growing hot. Right. Miranda had mentioned that. She had rattled off a whole list of _improvements._ There was the cybernetic weave through her skin that would accelerate healing. (Apparently Kaya would have been just _hideous_ without it, with all the skin grafts.) There was another weave throughout her spine. Most of her internal organs had been replaced by 3-D printed transplants. Somewhere in all that, there had been mention of a translator and a communication implant wired into her eighth cranial nerve.

Kaya found herself wondering for the first time who exactly _paid_ for all of this, when she said, "Right. Okay. That's just weird. I can, like, turn it off, right?"

"Easiest way to mute it is with your Omni-tool," Shepard said in her ear. Okay, hearing someone inside her head was still _super creepy._ "But, standard military protocol is to leave your public channel open at all times." 

"Great," Kaya muttered. Joker snickered across from her. "So, er, what's up?" 

"I need you to join me up in the war room," Shepard said. Kaya raised an eyebrow. _That_ did not sound ominous at all. "It's off the C.I.C. Turn right when you get off the elevator, and go through the door. You've got security clearance."

"Uh, okay. Yeah. Be right up. Someone's gonna have to give me a manual for this thing, though. I mean, how do I hang up?"

Joker chuckled quietly again and Shepard said, "You don't have to do anything. It just hangs up."

"Right. Wired into my CNS. Not weird at all," Kaya said. "I mean, also kind of cool. I guess. Whatever. I'll be right up."

"Aww, that's kind of cute. You're like an old lady," Joker said.

She glared at him and swung her legs off the table. "Damn straight. And I look _good_ for ninety-five. Show some respect for your elders."

He flashed her a wide smile at that, as Kaya ran her fingers through her hair in an effort to detangle it. She found herself wishing for some makeup, before she realized how silly that was. She was just marching in front of a bunch of soldiers. It was not like they cared. Besides, half her skull was shaved and she had a giant bandage on her head. There was not a whole lot she could do to look presentable. 

She pulled the hood of her sweatshirt up instead and headed out the door. "Have fun!" Joker called after her.

Kaya figured that anything taking place in a "war room" was unlikely to be fun. But, as she entered the security scanning room off the C.I.C., she was at least intrigued. She bounced on the balls of her bare feet, cold against the metal floor, as the grid of lights passed over her. All their serious sociopolitical issues aside, people in the future sure knew how to make things look cool.

The war room itself was even more impressive. Like the C.I.C., there was a large holographic projection in the middle of the round room. Uniformed soldiers were milling about, checking one console or another. Yeah, it _really_ looked like a science fiction show. It reminded Kaya of one her Nan had hooked her on, during one particularly stormy week in Atlanta.

_Note to self, make Joker watch that._ He had made a disparaging comment in the Mess yesterday about old vids, and Kaya was determined to prove him wrong. _Actually, I bet the whole crew would get a kick out of it._

Shepard was waving to her from the other side of the circular console in the room's center. Kaya walked down the stairs and around, trying (and failing) at not being too nosy. This was the _war room_. There were probably state secrets – hell, _planet_ secrets – hidden in the holograms. Not that Kaya could understand any of it. She skirted by a couple of officers, the console passing in a flash of bright colors, and headed to Shepard's side.

She was facing a holographic representation of an older man in uniform. He looked important. 

"Admiral Hackett, this is Dr. Kaya Cole." 

"Lieutenant."

_Damn._

Kaya sighed and saluted the Admiral. "Sir."

Shepard crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. "My records said you were a civilian."

"Project Indigo was a joint military-civilian operation," Hackett said, eyeing Kaya suspiciously. He was probably wondering why she had not told a superior officer of her military status.

_Because I have been blissfully ignoring the rules for a few days. Damn it._

"I was inducted through some back channels. Technically, I became an officer upon finishing med school. I never really trained, or anything like that _." Thank god. I wouldn't have made it out of basic alive. "_ It was a formality. Neither side – not the C.I.A. nor the army – was supposed to have total jurisdiction over me. I'm not _really_ a soldier." 

_"Never heard of them doing something like this before," Cain said, frowning as he handed her a necklace. A non-descript form of dog tags, he had explained. "You're just a special little snowflake."_

_Kaya snorted. "More like a nuclear bomb. No one person can have the entire launch code sequence, right?"_

"Our records disagree," the admiral said. _Damn. It._ "You were listed as M.I.A. when the Magellan disappeared. Since the Alliance took over Indigo – as well as most U.S. military activity – you've been reinstated by us."

"Wasn't someone going to, I don't know, ask me about this?" Kaya asked with raised eyebrows. Her fingers went absentmindedly to her collarbone, but the necklace wasn't there. It had been too risky to wear it aboard the Magellan. "No offense to either of you, but I never really wanted to be in the military. 

The admirals' disapproving scowl intensified. She realized he was eyeing her raised hood and N7 logo with particular disdain. _Tough, old man._ Kaya could sense that Shepard liked this admiral. She respected and trusted him. Kaya was having trouble understanding _why_  under his stern gaze.

"Consider this another move for proper record keeping, then. Cole, I want to embed you on the Normandy. We still don't know how Marcus found out about Indigo. Until we do, the Alliance wants to be sure that you're secure."

"Can't have me falling into the wrong hands," Kaya muttered.

_"Kaya, you're not a weapon."_

_"Hah! Say that to me again, and this time try to keep a straight face," she growled. Why had Cain tried to lie to her?_

"I won't lie to you, lieutenant," the admiral was saying, snapping Kaya out of her particularly vivid reverie. "This _is_ more about keeping you away from enemy forces than keeping you safe. But, the Normandy is still your best chance at staying unharmed."

"Fine. So, what's the official story here? I mean, has someone put together a background for me?"

The admiral nodded. "You're a young doctor, fresh out of S.A.S.M. – Systems Alliance School of Medicine – training under Dr. Chakwas. Someone will forward a dossier. Make sure you know it."

Kaya gave him a curt nod. "If there's one thing I'm good at, it's pretending to be someone else. And I was already doing some serious continuing education hours with Chakwas."

"Good. Now, even though the official story keeps you out of operations, the Alliance wants you in the field."

"Wait, what?" Shepard interrupted, standing up straighter. _Didn't think that was possible._ "Sir, I don't think Kaya –  _Lieutenant_ Cole – is fit for fieldwork."

"I have her medical clearance from Dr. Chakwas," the admiral said. "Lieutenant, by your timeline, you were preparing for a top secret mission to gather intelligence on war crimes last week. Do you agree with Major Shepard's assessment?"

_Yes. Holy shit, yes. The only thing I'm fit for is curling up in a ball and crying over someone else's nightmares._

"Sir, if Chakwas and the Alliance think I'm fit for duty, then I'll report in." _You idiot._ Shepard shot her a look of doubt as Kaya continued, "I'm going to need a little instruction in modern weaponry, though. Thermal clips and mass effect powered shields are new territory."

"You're not getting a gun. Not after last night," Shepard said. Kaya felt the heat rising in her cheeks as she opened her mouth to argue. Shepard cut her off. "Our next assignment is simple recon. There are reports of activity from a Cerberus cell. We're just going to find out more information."

"But, you're expecting trouble," Kaya insisted. There was no point in hiding mission parameters from a psychic.

"Maybe. If it gets too hot, you get your ass out of there, Lieutenant. That's an order."

"I think you're enjoying pulling rank on me too much, _ma'am_ ," Kaya said with a smirk. She saw the corner of Shepard's mouth twitch.

"Major, if that's your assessment, I won't debate it with you," the admiral said. "But the Alliance does want Lieutenant Cole to develop her biotic abilities. I assume Major Alenko can handle basic training. You should have a spare L5 amp on board."

"Sir, I don't think–"

"That wasn't a request," the admiral cut Shepard off. "This is coming from above me. Your report sparked someone's interest up top."

Shepard nodded, her jaw tense. Kaya found herself agreeing with the Major on this point. A gun would be nice, but the last thing she needed was to throw someone across the room in the middle of a fight.

"Sir," she said tersely. "Lieutenant, go down to the armory and have James help you find some armor. I'll talk to Alenko. You're dismissed."

Kaya turned to walk away, before stopping and saluting the admiral and Shepard. She could _try_ to do this right, at least for a time. Of course, Kaya already found herself plotting an escape. It had been easy, when she was twenty and had traveled the modern world. She had managed to evade some damn good agents, during a brief stint as a rogue operative. But, now, at the mercy of a massive, unfamiliar galaxy, it seemed close to impossible.

 


	10. Eden

Kaidan watched Kaya click the biotic amplifier into place at the back of her neck. She twitched and her body flashed with blue light, but she managed to keep her biotics under control this time. 

"Good," Kaidan reassured her. "That was good. You're getting used to it."

Dr. Cole looked decidedly different from yesterday morning, when Kaidan had looked into the med bay with alarm and seen both Joker and Kaya lying there. Apparently, Kaidan and Liara had missed the show the night before. Kaya was now suited up in full armor, decked breastplate to toe in Alliance blue, and she had done something to her hair. She would have looked regulation, otherwise, which Kaidan suspected Kaya would never allow. Her hair was secured by a rubber band by her ear and tucked into the collar of her armor, and there was a braid running along the line that divided long locks from buzzed scalp. The scars there were almost fully healed.

"I still formally protest. There's no way this ends well," Kaya muttered. "I haven't gone five minutes with the amp in without breaking something."

"Well, let's just aim for ten this time," Kaidan quipped. To be honest, he had the same misgivings, but the Alliance had pushed back against both his and Shepard's formal complaints. There was something disturbing about how adamant they were that Kaya train. It reminded Kaidan unsettlingly of Jump Zero, where he had first trained his biotics under grueling conditions.

"ETA to shuttle launch point, five minutes," Joker called over the comm.

Kaya tilted her head at that. "Joker, what the hell are you doing at the helm?"

"What the hell are you doing in the shuttle bay?" he shot back. 

"I shattered your sternum," she insisted. "You shouldn't be–"

"Modern medicine, doc. I'm fit for duty," Joker said. "Besides, I'm just sitting in a leather chair. You're the one hunting Cerberus operatives."

"Gathering intel," Kaidan corrected.

_Of course, two majors, a commander, a spectre, and a CIA agent is kind of overkill._

Kaya must have heard Kaidan's musings, because she raised an eyebrow in his direction. She narrowed her eyes and said quietly, "They're expecting us to find something. But, even Shepard doesn't know what."

"Well, you can't really be over-prepared going after Cerberus," Kaidan said. Five years. Five years later and they were still hunting down the last remaining cells of racist bastards. He tossed a baseball at Kaya, "Speaking of which. Catch."

She caught it with her hand and he cleared his throat pointedly. "Yeah, yeah," Kaya groaned. "I played softball, okay? It's a reflex."

She tossed it in the air and stretched out her right hand. It glowed blue, but the ball sailed right past her attempt and bounced off the floor with a dull clang. She muttered something unintelligible and stopped the ball from rolling away with her foot. She threw it up in the air again, this time letting it sail higher, and raised her hand. The baseball caught in a biotic field for a second, before falling to the floor.

"Damn it!"

"This is going to take some time," Kaidan insisted. "You're already picking things up really fast."

"Yeah, that's kind of the problem," she huffed, clutching the baseball in her hand. "I mean – telekinetic powers. Cool. Amazing, really. But, if I'm going to be putting people in serious danger, it's hardly worth it. I still don't understand–"

Her fingers trailed to the back of her neck. Kaidan knew what she was going to say. He could hear Jack's words ringing in his ears. _"Those fuckers are giving her an amp? What the hell is wrong with them?"_ She had stormed off to her hidey-hole and not emerged since yesterday afternoon.

Kaya was scowling, tossing the ball absentmindedly between her palms. She raised her hands deferentially, one palm outstretched, "Sorry. Didn't mean to. Can't say I don't agree with Jack, though." She tossed the ball up again, and this time she managed to catch it inside a small biotic field.

She smiled, as Kaidan took a few steps back. "Toss it over here," he said. The smile disappeared as she pushed her arm out. The baseball rocketed over Kaidan's head and lodged itself in the side of a metal cargo container.

"What the hell?" Vega poked his head out from behind the container with wide eyes. When he saw Kaya with her still outstretched hand and comically sheepish expression, he just rolled his eyes and went back to finishing a gun modification.

"Oops," Kaya said quietly, her face growing red, as Shepard and Garrus stepped off the elevator. "Right. Let's maybe find something softer to practice with, next time."

* * *

Eden Prime was a damn graveyard of bad memories. Shepard and Kaidan were particularly on edge, but half of the town –  _colony, whatever_ – was harboring some trauma just below the surface.

Jenkins. Nilhus. Saren. Ash. Javik. Cerberus.

Eden Prime was where it all began, almost a decade ago. It was also where it ended, once, for a dead civilization. The Normandy's crew had returned since the Geth attack and the war, but they were clearly still uneasy. Kaya felt their discomfort in the tension of her own shoulders, out of place against such a beautiful backdrop as they walked slowly between the prefab buildings. (Come to think of it, the container-like homes and businesses were pretty out-of-place, too. The colony just had no feeling of permanence or, well, culture.)

"So, Shepard said you don't have military training," Joker suddenly said in her ear. Kaya flinched at the intrusion. "But, if you're on the ground, can I assume you have some secret agent training? You know, the kind involving leather cat suits and doing backflips through laser-covered hallways?"

"I think you've seen too many movies," she groaned. She was walking in step with Kaidan, who now threw a raised eyebrow in her direction. Kaya pointed at her ear and rolled her eyes, and Kaidan seemed to understand with a chuckle.

"We call them vids, now, Cole," he said. "Get with the times. Also, you didn't answer my question. I'm just going to assume–" 

"You can assume I know four ways to kill you with a ballpoint pen," Kaya said in a low voice, earning a bemused glance from Kaidan. The sexy secret agent trope had always been a pet peeve of Kaya's.

"I don't think we have any of those on the Normandy, Lieutenant."

She bristled at the use of her rank, starting to like Joker Moreau a little bit less. Now that he was getting more comfortable around her, he also seemed intent on getting under her skin. Kaya suspected it was just what he did, putting up a wall of jokes and button pushing that guarded the hole she already knew about.

"Fine, but there are a lot of weapons just lying around. So, go ahead, continue this line of questioning–"

"Kaya, are you threatening my pilot?" Shepard asked from her position ahead of them. "You already took him out of commission once. I kind of need him ready for duty."

"Aw, I'm touched, Shepard," Joker said dryly. "But, yeah, Kaya. Stop threatening the most important person on the ship. Back on your private channel, by the way. I'm just gonna be hanging out up here, imagining you taking down some rogue blacks ops agent with your bare hands. In heels."

"Major, how do I turn this thing off?"

Kaya prickled at Kaidan's obvious amusement as Shepard said, "You can block him from your private channel with the Omni-tool."

Kaya called out her thanks as she pulled up her arm. "Oh, come on–" She found the setting and cut off Moreau with a smirk.

"So, why are you going to kill Joker with a pen?" Kaidan asked. There was a glint in his eye that went beyond amused. He was happy for his friend. _Oh god_ , he thought that Joker and Kaya were _flirting_.

_Because getting laid is totally one of my top priorities at the moment. Ass._

"Shepard, I have a question," Kaya said, deflecting. She had been too embarrassed to bring it up in the shuttle, but it was far less uncomfortable a topic of discussion than the smug look Kaidan was giving her. Shepard nodded, and Kaya looked pointedly down at her chest. "Why exactly does official Alliance issue armor have boob holsters?"

At the other end of the team-wide communication channel, Kaya heard Joker spit out something. Kaidan's smug look turned into a wide-eyed expression, and Vega was almost blushing. Garrus was the only guy who was relatively unfazed, but that was only because of his lack of concern over female human anatomy. Unless it applied to one human in particular.

"It's actually a sensor issue," Shepard said. She was a little bit amused by the turn of phrase. "And it helps with distribution of Medi-gel. The suit needs to be form-fitting."

"Okay. That makes some kind of sense," Kaya said, putting her hands on the cups of her armor. She smirked at the way Kaidan started to blush. "But, why not have that be part of some under armor? Or put some nondescript plating over it? It's just so damn tacky."

"Last thing you want to do is weigh down a soldier in light armor," Shepard said. "If it bothers you so much, you can try one of the heavier designs."

Kaya shot a look at Vega, willing it to bore into the back of his skull. "I believe I asked if this was the only armor you had, Lieutenant Commander."

"Biotics don't usually want the heavy stuff," he responded, throwing his arms out in an exaggerated shrug. 

"Right," Kaya said slowly, looking around for something she could throw at the back of his big head. That would be one way to get some biotic practice in.

"It does way a damn ton," Shepard said.

"Hey! Shouldn't you be on my side here?" Kaya called out. 

"Shouldn't you be paying attention to the civilians?" Shepard said seriously.

Kaya sighed, dropping the issue. She would get back at Vega later. She did have a whole arsenal of pranks from her boarding school days. Surely one of them could be modified for a warship.

"I am. Nothing yet. Just a whole lot of thoughts about farming. And bad memories." 

"Bad memories?" Garrus asked, as the group turned a corner.

Kaya fell silent, wishing she had kept her big mouth shut. She decided to really pay attention to the civilians walking past this time. (Although, really, she would have to be pretty thick to miss out on someone nearby thinking about a damn terrorist organization.) Many of the colonists were paying the Normandy's outfit no mind, a fact that thoroughly surprised Kaya. Sure, the streets of Eden Prime were overflowing with Alliance soldiers and the odd mercenary – the galaxy was a much more violent place than Kaya remembered – but she figured more people would recognize the team that brought down the Reapers. A few did recognize Shepard, but they only stopped in their tracks for a moment or nudged a nearby companion. Maybe the future did not have as much of a celebrity-worshiping culture? 

Kaya was about to comment on how Shepard's presence probably compromised the mission anyway, when she heard something. Felt something. She stopped walking, falling behind the rest of the squad.

"Hold up." Everything suddenly seemed to loud, and zeroing in on the signal was hard.

"Is your spidey-sense tingling?" Joker said.

Kaya found herself distracted. She remembered a young operative she had worked with in Bangkok, right after they had literally dodged a bullet.

_"God damn. Thank god for your spidey-sense."_

_"Will you stop calling it that?" Kaya growled, as the agent fired around the corner they just ducked behind. His bullet found its mark, straight between the eyes. "I'm not a damn comic book character."_

"I wasn't kidding about than pen thing, you know," she said darkly. "I wasn't allowed to bring a gun to Mars, so I learned some nice improvisations. But, well, yes. It is. Something's up. Also, a Spiderman reference? Really? You know Stan Lee, but not F. Scott Fitzgerald?"

She had quoted Gatsby earlier and been met with a blank stare. _"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."_  

"Are you kidding?" Joker laughed. "It's a classic. They've remade those vids every twenty years for – what? – the past two centuries?"

"Will you two cut it out?" Shepard interrupted in annoyance. "Kaya, what's going on?"

"Someone knows we're here," she said, the words coming to her lips as soon as she locked on to the train of thought. "Definitely Cerberus. But, I'm not a goddamn radar. I can't pinpoint exactly where they are."

She suddenly felt strange, like a large gust of wind had slammed into her back. Kaya staggered forward as Shepard shouted, "Take cover!"

Somebody grabbed her arm, and Kaya found herself slammed behind one of the prefab houses they had been walking between. Kaidan pushed her roughly down and pulled his gun in one swift motion. "Stay down and get your helmet on!"

Kaya realized she was holding the armor in a death grip. She put it on, watching her shields recharge on the helmet user interface out of the corner of her eye. She looked around in alarm for the rest of the team, before seeing them on the other side of the street.

"Somebody wanna give me a gun now?" she called out, as people started running past in panic.

"Kaidan, give her your sidearm," Shepard ordered. "But you will _stay down_. No pulling the trigger unless they get past us. Hackett will have my ass if you get shot on a routine mission."

Kaya took the pistol from Kaidan with a nod and felt the weight in her hands. It seemed unusually light. However, it was still shaped like a gun, and she found the safety easily enough. She could hear the sound of gunfire in earnest now. Kaya tried to focus, to count how many opponents they were up against. But it was just so loud, with everyone running past.

She suddenly cried out as she felt searing pain, but Kaya shooed away Kaidan as he looked over with worry. It wasn't her wound, but a man running through the street had just been shot in the shoulder. He fell to the ground under the trample of boots, alive but burning.

_Find a calmer mind. Ha. Not gonna work this time, Kai._ She took a deep breath. Then another. _One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. On route. ETA seven minutes._

"Six!" she called out, unsuccessful in her attempt at keeping her voice level. "There are six of them, but they have backup coming fast!"

"Then let's take them out!" Garrus said.

The team worked with almost sickening, methodical accuracy. Kaya was shocked at how quickly the firefight ended. She had been a government agent for ten years, but she had never been in a volley like _that_. Four of the six Cerberus agents went down with perfect head shots, and there were a couple minutes to spare before the Cerberus backup arrived. She barely had time to reflect on what just happened, however. Kaidan was pulling Kaya to her feet into one of the houses along the side street.

There was an older couple inside who looked startled but battle-hardened. They had been on Eden Prime for years. This was hardly the first gunfight either had witnessed. Kaya realized she was still clutching her pistol, pointed at the door, her entire body tense. A datapad flew off the table and smashed into the refrigerator across the room, glowing with blue light. She flinched, opening her mouth to apologize as an embarrassed flush rose to her neck.

Kaidan placed one hand on her shoulder and the other on the gun. "Relax. Take a breath." 

She slowly placed the gun in her holster with shaking hands. Kaya nodded resolutely, glad that the civilian couple seemed unfazed.

"Do you know where the rest of them are?" Shepard asked.

Kaya shook her head. "Out of range. They gave a seven minute ETA when the gunfight started. Over their comm. I don't know–"

"Four minutes, Shepard," Joker said over the line. She was glad someone was paying attention. "Alliance unit's on it's way."

"Hey, Joker?" Kaya said uncertainly. She could at least do this much. "Can you get word to a medical team? There was a civilian who got shot. He's in the middle of the street. Alive. Left shoulder. Clean exit wound. Not a fatal shot, but–"

"I'm on it," Joker said. There was a reassuring note to his voice.

"Thanks," Kaya breathed.

Shepard gave her an approving nod. _I'm shit in a gunfight, but I sure as hell know how to triage._ The team had seen Kaya at her most vulnerable, tortured and broken, on more than one occasion over a very short period of time. She could see how most of them perceived her, as this five-foot-two kid. A bird with a broken wing, to be protected and sheltered. But, now she was keeping a level head, and that meant something to a bunch of soldiers.

"What the hell were those _pendejos_ thinking, attacking when they were evenly matched?" Vega wondered aloud. "They can't have known who we are."

"They did. They recognized Shepard," Kaya said. Hell, they had been aiming for Shepard. _Lousy shots._

"Cannon fodder," Garrus said. "Shepard, I don’t like this. It seems like a diversion."

"Agreed," Shepard said. "Kaidan, Vega. Get Kaya back to the shuttle. I'll send you rendezvous coordinates. Joker, watch your six."

"Wait, what? No way," Kaya protested. "You don't need to waste time getting me back to–"

"Your job was to figure out if Cerberus was here or not. We have our answer. Back to the ship."

"But–"

"That's an order, Lieutenant," Shepard said. Her command voice was hard and unyielding, and Kaya knew there was no point in trying to argue further.

"Yes, ma'am."


	11. Waiting

"How do you this?" Kaya sighed with exasperation. She had been pacing behind Joker's chair in the cockpit for the last twenty minutes, and it was starting to get a little irritating. 

"They tell me patience is a virtue," he quipped. She made a small growling noise. "Hey, I know. It sucks." Joker was about to tell her to just sit down already, when a message popped up on the console from the Alliance ground forces. "Hey, that guy you requested medical help for is okay, by the way. I'm just getting a report in now."

"Thanks," she sighed, putting a hand on his shoulder as she looked at the message. "I needed that."

Joker shifted uncomfortably under her hand, and Kaya quickly flinched away. He did not mean to be so harsh or unwelcoming, but he just was not the touchy-feely type. Besides, both Kaya and Joker were on edge as they watched the video feed of Shepard and the team. The squad was making their way slowly through a farming compound, a series of grain silos and processing facilities surrounded by recently harvested fields. The local police forwarded over information on where Cerberus was probably holed up after some _creative_  coercion.

_Seriously, being in denial about having a terrorist organization on your doorstep? Not the most productive use of resources._

Garrus was pretty sure the whole damn mission was a trap, and Joker was inclined to agree. Cerberus was trying to lure Shepard out for _something_ , but she was determined to keep pressing forward. Shepard insisted the team could handle a Cerberus cell. They could take care of themselves. They always did. Joker knew she was right, but there was still something  _off_ about that attack in the residential zone.

"You know, I've never been shot before," Kaya mused, her voice a little too cheerful for that statement.

Joker raised an eyebrow as Kaya's odd statement brought him back from worrying about Shepard. He was kind of surprised by her assertion, actually, given Kaya's history. Then again, before mass effect shielding technology, battleground tactics were a lot different. Even with pre-contact "bullet proof" vests, soldiers and agents had to be more careful.

"Except, you didn't actually get shot," Joker scoffed. "They just took down your shields. Doesn't count."

"Okay, fine, smart ass," Kaya quipped back, rolling her eyes. "Still, without shields – I've never actually had someone get that close. And, what, have you been shot?"

There was a way she said it, a doubt in her voice, that was particularly grating. "I've been shot at," he said in a low voice. 

"I didn't mean – damn it, Joker, that's not what I meant. And you know it," she huffed. "I just figured that pilots, in general, don't get shot at. Not by people, anyway. By, you know, nuclear missiles or something." 

Joker was placated a little, and did find Kaya's lack of knowledge about modern warfare fairly amusing. "Nuclear missiles?'

"I don’t know," she said, leaning against the console and facing him. She threw up her hands in some sort of exasperation or confusion. "What exactly do two spaceships shoot at each other with?"

"We've got a Thanix cannon," Joker said. "It shoots molten metal suspended in a mass effect field at near FTL speeds."

"Now you're just messing with me," she scoffed. He shrugged, and Kaya gasped, "Oh my god. You're serious. That's just – well, that sounds pretty awesome, actually."

"Yeah, the whole human lie detector act isn't creepy at all," Joker deadpanned, switching to Garrus's video feed when he saw a shadow. Looked like nothing. "Get out of my head." 

"Yeah, yeah. It doesn't work like that, though. There's no off switch."

"Have you tried?" 

"I have–" 

"Bull–"

"How the hell would you know?"

Shepard's voice cut through their rapid-fire argument. "Would you two please stop bickering on the public channel?"

"Sorry, boss," Joker said, shooting Kaya a look. _Stop getting me in trouble._ She stuck her tongue out at him – _stuck her tongue out_ – and he rolled his eyes. Joker made sure to mute his audio input before saying, "What are you, six?"

She narrowed her eyes at that, and Joker suspected he hit a nerve. Anyone paying attention – his mind flashed for a moment to an image of Kaya fondling the cups of her armor – would know she was an adult, but it would be easy to legitimately mistake someone so damn tiny for a teenager.

"Made getting hit on at bars in college and med school super creepy," Kaya acknowledged.

"Will you get out of my–"

Joker watched as Kaya went to sit in the co-pilot's chair. _EDI's chair. No, that was stupid._ Joker had trained plenty of relief pilots over the past five years. Still, Kaya seemed to have heard him or seen him tense up, because she quickly jumped up from her seat.

"Don’t. Just, don't. Okay?" he said, shaking his head and turning to the console. 

"If my being here is annoying you, I can leave," Kaya said softly. There was a new sincerity to her voice, but there was some disappointment there, as well.

"No, I–" _Damn it. Way to go, Moreau_. "I like you being here, Kaya. It takes the edge off the waiting. Sit down. Maybe I'll teach you how to fly. You said something about wanting to go to flight school, right?"

"I said I wanted to learn to fly a plane," Kaya said, as Joker replayed the earlier conversation from the Mess in his head. "I meant like a Cesna or something. Not sure you want me accidentally crashing the Normandy."

"As opposed to crashing on purpose?" Joker quipped.

 

"James told me a story about the Prothean Archives," Kaya said with a smile. "I thought he was just wildly over exaggerating in his own head, but then Shepard confirmed it."

"Yeah, okay, fair point," Joker chuckled. He brought up his Omni-tool and powered up the co-pilot's console. "Here. Poke around in there. Don't worry. You won't be able to space us all out the airlock or something. Just see if you can find any useful intel from the ground."

"Yes, sir," she said, the corner of her lip twitching. Five minutes later, Kaya was muttering something about "stupid bloody orange holograms."

Joker had turned back to coordinating ground intelligence, when Shepard was interrupted over the line. "I don't like this. It's too empty." 

As if on cue, the Normandy lurched violently forward. Joker's head slammed into the console, and he came away with a broken nose. The pain was blinding, but he was also trained in working past in from a life of being, well, him. The Alliance may have had a few courses on it, too. He skipped a few of those. 

"We've been hit!" Joker called out, pulling up his data streams. _What the shit?_ "Shields at eighty percent! Shepard, we've got company. And they've got a stealth drive. Attempting evasive maneuvers!"

He pulled the Normandy sharply out of orbit, trying to will her with his mind to locate whoever the fuck was firing on them.

"How the hell did they find you?" Shepard yelled over the comm.

"Cerberus, remember? They did build the damn SR2!" he called back. The Normandy's V.I. locked onto a frigate-sized ship dogging them. They were firing up their guns, and Joker brought the Normandy into a sharp left bank. He activated his harness and Kaya's, as Cerberus kept close on their tail. "Rerouting power from the inertial dampeners! Hold on, everyone!"

"Joker, status report!"

"Kinda busy right now, Shepard!" he called out. _Sons of bitches can out maneuver us. Come on, girl, find me a weak spot._   Joker prepared to try and pull up, surprising them from behind. Then, the data flashed up onto his screen. "Oh, shit!"

The Normandy came to an abrupt halt – Joker cried out as his fractured ribs strained against the harness – and the lights powered down. "

They've broken through our cyberwarfare defenses, Shepard!" he called out through gritted teeth. "Holy shit, they're docking. I need people on the airlock, now! Breathing masks on, people!"

He pulled on his own mask and looked over at Kaya. She was curled up in the co-pilots chair, balancing on the balls of her feet as she watched privates grabbing weapons from the nearby munitions locker with wide eyes. Blood was streaming from a fresh cut above her left eyebrow. 

"Kaya! Mask!" he called out. There was no guarantee Cerberus was boarding the Normandy. They could just be trying to space the whole damn ship. She snapped her head up and he pointed at the emergency protective gear container, turning back to the console.

_Come on, baby. Give me my ship back._

There was no time to worry about who might be coming through or how well prepared the crew was to deal with it. Joker had to get the Normandy's systems back online. Shepard was cursing over the line, yelling at everyone to get back to the shuttle. Joker glanced over to see that Kaya had put on her mask, but she was still looking anxiously over the top of the chair. 

"Get down, you idiot!" he yelled. He heard the airlock door open as the console flashed a hundred different red warnings. Suddenly, the sound of gunfire broke through the swearing and occasional shouted orders. Kaya screamed out in pain, and Joker wondered in panic if she was hurt. But, there was no time. His hands were flying over the console, trying to beat back the Cerberus attack on his end. If he could just find some more processing power to reroute to the V.I., they might be able to find a weakness in the code.

_Should've fucking known this would happen. Should've called backup. Knew this was a trap. How the hell are we going to get out of this one?_

Suddenly, the red warnings blaring across the console screen were replaced by a friendlier green. The overhead lights in the cockpit returned. The airlock door closed with a signature hiss, and a few more shots rang out before a deafening silence fell.

_There we go, baby._

"Everybody hold on to something! Prepare for–" Joker would have said FTL. They could jump out and then swing back around to pick up Shepard. But, Joker looked, confused, at his console readings. The Cerberus ship was powering down. "What the – did we do that?" 

"The systems aboard the enemy ship are being disabled from within," the V.I. said.

"What the – whatever. Shepard, we're moving in for immediate evac. Get ready," Joker said. "Alliance command, this is the S.S.V. Normandy, requesting permission to enter Eden airspace for an emergency evacuation." 

They hit the atmosphere with a jump – the inertial dampeners were not completely back online – as command gave the green light. Joker looked over at Kaya. She was clutching at her harness with widened eyes, her face chalk white, and Joker thought with a start that she was hit.

"Kaya, are you okay?" There was no answer. "Kaya! Damn it, say something!"

She blinked and looked over at Joker, her mouth a tiny circle. Then, her expression went from stunned to panicked as she tried to rip off her helmet. She was trying to pull it off like it was for a bicycle, not realizing it had sealed onto her neck.

"Button on the right," he said calmly. She found the seal release and pulled the mask off with a deep, shaking breath. "Tell me you're okay. Are you hit?"

"I'm not okay, but I'm not injured either," she said in a monotone voice.

Joker let out a little sigh of relief and looked back at his systems. The Cerberus ship was still dead in the sky above them. "ETA ten minutes, Shepard. They're not following. I don’t know what the hell just happened, but–"

"I turned off life support," Kaya said quietly.

Joker blinked. He wasn't sure he had heard her correctly. What she said made no sense. How could she possibly – and then the realization dawned on him.

"You–"

"I got inside his head. I looked for a way out," she said mechanically, staring straight ahead. "I saw it. I took it. I just made it stop We've got wounded. I need to help them."

Kaya stood up, and Joker could see that she was shaking badly. He wanted to tell her to sit down. He wanted to get Dr. Chakwas. But, the good doctor had enough to worry about right now. And Joker understood. After something like  _that_ , sometimes the easiest thing to do was get back to work. So, he let her go as the Normandy reached the lower atmosphere, watching as she knelt down beside a private with a particularly nasty-looking shot to the arm.

He only looked away because Alliance traffic control was hailing their ship. (And twisting in his chair _really_ hurt. He must have fractured or bruised  _all_ of his ribs.) So, Joker followed Kaya's lead and got back to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, so this is a rather short little chapter. The next one's significantly longer, and I'll try to get it up soon.


	12. Home

Kaya stood with her hands against the window of the observation deck, her now heavily bandaged forehead pressed against the glass. Jack was sitting on the couch behind her, a silent guardian. Officially, she was there to make sure Kaya did not fall asleep with a concussion. Unofficially–

_Anger. Fear. Confusion. Pain. Emptiness._  

_Fear._

It was hard to distinguish which emotions belonged to who.

There was nothing in all Kaya's psychiatric training to help cope with this. She had reached into someone's mind and turned it off. Again. Before, it was so personal that there was little time or emotional energy to dwell on the result. Marcus was dead. Kaya had originally been surprised by how happy that made her. Now she wished she could be just as ignorantly and cruelly happy about this.

Sure, those Cerberus operatives were trying to kill them. Well, they were trying to _capture_ Kaya and kill everyone who got in their way. But, she could not feel the same unadulterated hatred toward them.

_Emptiness. Shame. Fear._

Kaya had never feared herself before, even after Omega. Not really. The skeletons in her closet were unfriendly, but this was a whole new kind of danger. Kaya had been responsible for death before. She screwed up in the operating room. She collected intelligence used in assassinations. But, this new ability had already blown her old body count out of the water, in a matter of days.

"Jack," Kaya said quietly, breaking an hour-long silence during which the biotic had been uncharacteristically patient. "You've killed people before, yes?"

"You were protecting the crew," Jack said resolutely.

"But, you don't feel remorse about any of them," Kaya continued, ignoring her.

"I was surviving."

She meant that, but it would take a lot more for Kaya to reach the same place of acceptance.

"How do you reach that point? How do you reach a point where you don't feel like some demon in disguise, some person unworthy of drawing another breath?"

Jack stood up quickly, grabbed Kaya's shoulders, and spun her around. She shook her, hard, tapping the back of Kaya's head against the glass. Kaya gasped out, in shock rather than pain.

"You were protecting the crew," Jack said, slowly and loudly. "You _protected_ the crew. Saved all of our asses before I could even get up to the bridge. _That's_ why you should feel no remorse. Those assholes would have killed you without a second thought. Or worse. Don't forget that."

Kaya felt the tears pooling in her eyes. She tried to blink them back, but they fell anyway. _Damn it._

"You don't understand. You can't understand. You don't feel your victims dying. Panicking. _Pleading,_ " Kaya choked.

Jack let go and staggered back a step.

_Fear. Disgust. Pity._

"You were protecting the crew," Jack repeated, her voice strained. _Doubt. Fear._ "Don't forget that."

Kaya turned back to look out the window, as if she expected to see Earth appear any moment. The Normandy was heading there now. Kaya tried to find a little comfort in that. Earth was her _home._ But, the doubts seeped in, reminding her how very unlike home it would all be. It had been seventy years. There had been a Reaper attack that nearly wiped out all life.

She did not have a home now. Not really. And, for the first time in her life, even Kaya's mind was not a quiet refuge.

* * *

Shepard sat at her desk, massaging her temples with tired hands. The crew had about twenty hours before reaching the Sol system. She was supposed to be working on a mission report, but her eyes fell unfocused on the terminal screen. How the hell was she supposed to even begin to describe what happened? There was the fact that she led her team into a trap and almost lost the Normandy. And then there was how they had gotten _out._

A message pinged on Shepard's Omni-tool, and she looked at the terse script from Jack. _Checking in. Still awake. Not doing good._

Shepard sighed and pulled up the message on her terminal.

_S: Details, Jack._

She tapped her fingers impatiently on the desk as Garrus walked through the door behind her. He placed his talons on her shoulders and began to massage away the tension. Shepard had not realized how stressed she was, until his fingers found the knots. 

_Oh, hell. Yes she had. How could she not?_

Shepard's Omni-tool pinged, and Jack's report only made Shepard's growing sense of dread worse.

_J: She's carrying some serious guilt. … She says she could FEEL them dying, Shepard._

_J: That's fucked up. And if I say something's fucked up…_

_S: Yeah. Fuck. You doing okay?_

_J: Not about me._

_S: I could tell someone else to keep an eye on her._

_J: She needs someone who gets it. Or whatever._

Six years ago, before the war and the trip through the Omega-4 relay, Jack never would have stayed. Hell, Shepard had to stop Jack from killing that other subject of Cerberus's experiments, back on Pragia. Never would Shepard have believed  _that_ young woman capable of truly empathizing, of caring for someone the way Jack seemed to be taking to Kaya. Shepard felt a sort of maternal pride, but she worried, too. Jack was never going to discuss how much seeing someone so broken by Cerberus exploitation, by her own innate power, was weighing on her psyche.

_S: Ok._

_S: When we hit Earth, we're definitely finding a good bar._

_J: I know a place. You won't like it._

_S: Sounds perfect._

Shepard pushed away from the terminal and stretched, when another message came through.

_J: btw … I'm staying. On the ship. If anyone tries to say different…_

_S: I know._

Jack logged off, and Shepard turned in her chair. "You talk to Kaidan? How's the crew?"

"Shaken up a bit," Garrus admitted, leaning against the wall. "Having Cerberus board the Normandy would be enough of a head game, without–"

"Yeah," Shepard interrupted. She did not need to hear anyone say it out loud. "Speaking of which, do we know _how_ they managed to take down our systems? I thought the Alliance rebuilt most of the Normandy's software." 

Garrus shook his head. "No idea. Joker's working on it. Speaking of which–"

"Chakwas is keeping an eye on him," Shepard said. "He says he's fine, but – hell – a near miss like this would shake a helmsman without his history. I know he didn't believe me when I said it wasn't his fault." 

If there was _anyone_ who would take this personally, it was Joker. All their diagnostics showed that he had not missed anything, though. The Normandy's systems simply had not picked up the Cerberus ship. Shepard couldn't help worrying. Chakwas knew how to take care of him. She probably knew Joker better than anyone. But he was not the easiest guy to size up when it came to mental health issues.

"How are _you_ doing?" Garrus said. She waved a hand dismissively and he chided, "Shepard."

She stood and rested the palms of her hands on his chest. How _was_ she doing? She had not really stopped to think about it. Shepard did not really want to. It had been a hell of a day. First they went after a Cerberus cell on Eden Prime, which was just a clusterfuck of bad memories. Then a charge under her protection got shot at. There was a short firefight. And, oh yeah, the whole thing had been a trap. She almost lost the whole damn crew. 

"I'm pissed off," she finally decided. "This shouldn't have happened. We should have known–"

"That Cerberus could bypass literally the best cyberwarfare suite in the galaxy?" Garrus scoffed. "When we go to the ground, we assume the Normandy's safe for a reason." He paused thoughtfully, wrapping his long arms around her waist. "I hate to say it, but we should be glad you sent Kaya back. It would have been easy to want to take her along. One hell of a tactical advantage. You made the right call, and – despite _how_ it happened – she did save the ship."

Shepard rested her forehead against his cowl, and he leaned down to press the bridge of his nose to the top of her head. They stood like that for a long time, exhausted and shaken by the worst truth of the day. Cerberus had come after the _Normandy_. They laid a trap. And this was far from over.

* * *

Kaya stifled an emotional laugh as they passed by the moon. Earth loomed in the distance, a growing blue sphere. She was wrong, before. It _was_ home. And it was beautiful.

_"Spaaaaaaaace," Kaya giggled. She was ten. Her blue-black hair was pulled into two parallel braids across her shoulders. Her fingers played at the ends as she twisted in her pastel purple dress, looking out the window from the I.S.S. Grace. Her father placed a hand on her shoulder. She looked up to see a proud smile in his eyes._

God, Kaya had almost forgotten how _happy_ he looked back then. Before the accident. Before the cancer and the nights spent coughing up blood.

_"Look," he pointed out the window. "Do you see that little island there?"_

_"That's where Obachan and Ojichan live!" Kaya said, proud of her own knowledge. "That's where we're going to live!"_

_"That's right, Kaya-chan. And just across the water, there–"_  

_"Is where we live now! But, Otosan, it's not_ just _across the water. It's so far!" the little girl said, half giggling and half complaining. She had fidgeted for seemingly endless hours aboard the trans-Pacific flight many times._

_"Not quite as far as here, my sweet."_

Kaya sighed, a melancholy tightness building in her chest as she looked out a different window, to a different Earth.

_If you could see me now, Otosan._

She watched the planet getting nearer. Once upon a time, this descent was dangerous. Even deadly, with early astronauts and a few unlucky tourists losing their lives when external shielding failed. Now, she did not even need to buckle up. The air passed red-hot in front of the window. But, if she closed her eyes, Kaya could not even tell they were moving at all. The only hint was the faint humming vibration the Normandy constantly exuded.

They were in the atmosphere proper before she really had time to even appreciate the view. The North American continent grew closer, and Kaya noted how the shoreline had shifted inward. For all their great technology, the sea would not be tamed. It was a reminder of the time that had passed, and Kaya felt a pang of genuine sadness. The world down there was going to be far from any she remembered.

They docked in Vancouver. Kaya had never been, and she found herself wanting to go see the sights. She had loved travel, once. Her parents instilled an interest, and it had been the only part of her life as a secret agent that Kaya actually liked.

Everything ached, and Kaya tried to tell herself it was just residual from her multiple head wounds. 

The truth was a lot worse. Coming back to Earth _hurt._ It held memories of everyone she lost and everyone she ever loved. Her parents. Her friends. The odd couple of boyfriends she had picked up for brief periods. She thought about her old classmates. How many of them died watching the Reapers attack, thinking the end of days had come? She had made the mistake of looking up a couple on the extranet, figuring they would only be ninety or so. They could still be alive.

They were not.

"Do you want some company?"

Kaya flinched and turned around. Joker had apparently snuck up behind her. She had not even heard the door open. Kaya had not spoken to him since the _incident_ on the bridge. It seemed a lot further away than a day.

"I'd like that," Kaya answered quietly, turning back to the window. She watched the dock workers – humans and robots – milling about their business.

Joker just stood there with her in peaceful silence. She could feel his pain and worry. She could also feel his confusion over worrying so much for someone he literally met a few days ago. Someone he had been ready to throw out of the cockpit yesterday.

_"Actions speak louder than words, Kaya-chan. It's a harder lesson for you than most. But I hope, in time, you forgive this old man for his."_

"I have a policy," Kaya said softly, startling Joker as she broke the silence. How long had they been standing there? "Since I get to know everyone's secrets. I think it's only fair I tell people some of mine." 

"Oh, like what?"

"Being home – on Earth – it makes me think of my family. I'm finding it hard to remember the happy memories. My dad was in Okinawa with me when the accident happened. The one that exposed me to HIRO. I was living with him after my parents split. My mom traveled too much to make a good guardian. Or something."

The words were coming hard and fast. Too fast. Kaya was not giving herself enough time to censor. She was not sure why she was talking about this at all. 

"I blamed him for so long," she found herself saying. "For leaving. For dying. For dying painfully and slowly. I held that it was his fault. It was his fault we were there. His fault we inhaled the toxic smoke. I was so angry. And then, years later, I blamed myself for never telling him how much he meant. For never explaining why I was so angry. I was fourteen. Of course I was going to be irrational and stupid. But, even as an adult, I couldn't forgive myself.

"Of course he knew. He loved me. It was evident right until the end. I know he never held it against me. But, it took _years_ to realize that. We – we flew over Japan on our way in. That's where I’m from. Well, that's where I lived for a long time, anyway. For four years. Longest I had ever lived in one place, as a kid. I never really felt like I had a _home._ I thought being out here would give me a wider perspective. Make me realize Earth is my home."

She leaned her head against the window, feeling the cool glass against her freshly unbandaged skin. "So why am I not happy to be back?"

A deep silence filled the small space between them. Kaya felt Joker thinking about his own family, about his parents. About his sister. About their deaths in the war. They had a lot in common, really. Two kids who never stayed in one place for long, whose parents had split and then died in horribly unpredictable ways. Who had left them to try and struggle through the hardest periods of their life.

_No. That's not fair, Kaya._

Joker was thinking about the Normandy, about the crew that had become his family. He felt guilty about still having something resembling family. About having _someone,_ when Kaya was alone. Kaya wanted to punch him in the arm. Feeling guilty over having good things was stupid. Pointless. Dangerous, even.

Instead she asked, "How long do we have before I have to go talk to the brass?"

"A few hours, I think," Joker replied, pushing himself away from the window. Kaya watched his ease of motion and found herself momentarily amazed by the wonders of Medi-gel. "You know what? Let's go do something. I think we've earned a little shore leave."

"Like what?" Kaya said, surprised by the suggestion.

"There's a great little sushi place down by the water."

Kaya smirked, but her smile was hidden with her face pressed against the window. "That's just racist."

"What? No! I didn't mean because you're – I just meant–" He started getting flustered, his face turning slightly pink before Kaya started laughing in earnest. He hit her lightly and playfully in the arm.

She turned and flashed Joker a smile. "I love sushi. And ramen. I'm a stereotype that way. Let's go."

He mimicked her genuinely happy grin. "Just don't tell Shepard. Last time I took her to a sushi restaurant, she blew up their aquarium."

"She – wait, what?"

* * *

"That didn't happen," Kaya was saying, laughing as she held a piece of sushi between her fingers.

Joker dropped his voice. "Hey, you're the telepath. If I'm lying, you'd know."

"A _toothbrush_?" she giggled. "Man, do you have any idea how absolutely your ridiculous your lives are?"

"Look who's talking."

"Yeah, but my life is the _bad_ kind of ridiculous," she said. He raised his eyebrows at that serious assertation, and Kaya gestured dismissively with her free hand. "You guys have a healthy dose of the _ha ha_ kind of ridiculous going on. So, wait, what happened next?"

Joker delved back into the story about Shepard's clone. Kaya sat with her elbows on the table, her chin propped in her hand between bites. She was thoroughly distracted, and Joker found himself quite proud of that fact. It was good to hear her laugh. Genuinely laugh.

Yeah, she was sometimes annoying as all hell. And kind of creepy. It was hard to not be put off by someone reading your mind. But, she was … nice, too.

He had just finished with the tale, when a waiter brought over a couple of beers and Joker straightened up to correct him. They had not ordered any alcohol. It seemed like bad form, right before meeting with an Alliance admiral.

"Courtesy of your friends over there," the waiter said, pointing over to the bar. A couple of uniformed soldiers saluted respectfully, and Joker returned the gesture. Score. 

"They recognized you," Kaya said, sounding surprised as she started pouring from the frosted bottle into her own glass. He could not help noticing how she held it at a perfect angle. She noted him noticing and added, "Roommate was a bartender."

He shook his head. "Seriously, don't do–"

"Sorry," she sighed, finishing the pour. "Sorry. Honestly."

He raised an eyebrow. Kaya never _really_ seemed sorry about the invasion of privacy.

"I am!" she shot back, before pulling a hand up over her mouth in embarrassment. "Oh, god damn it."

Joker couldn't help laughing. It was too ridiculous. She smiled sheepishly at him from behind her hand and asked, "So, how often do people recognize you? I was really surprised by how people seemed to leave us alone on Eden Prime." 

"Colonies are a little different," Joker admitted. "People are harder. Have bigger concerns. But, if you come here or the Citadel, they notice." He picked up his glass and held it out for a toast. "Not always a bad thing."

"Sell out," she teased, clinking his glass.

They both dove back into their food. The silence that settled there was a little awkward. Joker didn't regret asking Kaya to lunch, but he also realized how impulsive it had been. She had just seemed so damn depressed, back on the Normandy. But, now it was feeling a little like an uneasy first date.

_Oh, damn. And now she probably heard me think of this as a date._

To her credit, Kaya remained thoughtfully silent.

"So. Your turn. You've got to have some interesting stories," Joker said.

She shrugged. "Not really. I didn't do a whole lot of fieldwork, well, before. And most of it was going to parties at embassies or fundraising events."

"Oh, yeah. Sounds like a really boring way to spend your twenties."

"Says the astronaut. And don't give me that crap about it being an archaic term. I don't care. Hmm … I _did_ run away and evade the C.I.A. for six months," Kaya mused. Joker almost spit out his beer, and she smirked at him. "There was a mission that went kind of south. I got fed up. So, when I was supposed to be studying abroad in Cairo, I was really just trying to stay one step ahead of my handler."

"No interesting stories my ass," Joker said. Kaya's face darkened, and he realized she might not want to go into it.

"It's okay," she said softly, quietly enough that Joker was not sure he was meant to hear. "It started in Bangkok. What was supposed to be a quick mission – go to a party being thrown by some trust fund asshole, find out whether or not he was involved with an assassination attempt, and get out – turned bad real fast. That was the first time I ever got shot at, and my partner got thrown out of a third story window. He was okay. But, it still freaked me out.

"I knew Cairo was my shot at breaking free. I'd been with the agency for five years. And I was done. It was always – I never exactly got the impression I had a _choice_ in the matter."

Joker studied her as she absentmindedly poked at some wasabi with a chopstick. It was still hard to believe that a government agency would recruit a kid. Then again, he supposed BAaT had gone after teenagers. And, Kaidan's stories about that place were pretty messed up.

"They–" She stopped herself and pulled another tempura roll from the tray between them. "I went all over the place. Jerusalem, Shanghai, Sydney. Spent a lot of time in Rio. A little in Chicago. Montreal. Never made it to Vancouver, though. This is actually my first time here."

"I should have taken you to see something touristy," Joker realized.

She shook her head. "No. This is way better. It seems like it's been ages since I had a good meal, even though–" Kaya's brow furrowed, and she took a long draft of her beer. "Even though I got some damn good Lebanese food with my mom right before we left Earth. One last good meal. Drake's Point advertised a lot of high-end cuisine, but very little in the way of _baba ghanoush_."

"You just made that word up," he said, hoping the joke would bring her back from the dark place their conversation had turned.

It worked. Kaya smiled. "Next time we get shore leave somewhere with decent grub, I'll take you to get some _baba ghanoush_ and _tabouli._ You can thank me later." She tilted her head a bit, looking out over the bay to their left. _Hell of a view. Almost romantic. Shit._ "By the way, you know you're paying for this, right? I’m kind of – I'm totally broke."

He scoffed in mock affront. "I can't believe you'd assume the guy is paying. I mean, that had to be old fashioned even in _your_ day." When she only smiled and shrugged, he rolled his eyes and gave an exaggerated sigh. "Yeah, I know. But, do me a favor. Ask Hackett to get you a paycheck. Cause you're paying me back."

 

 

 


	14. Brass

Kaidan was surprised when Kaya entered H.Q. with Joker. She was talking animatedly, and Joker broke into a grin, shaking his head in an exaggerated fashion at something she said. Kaidan looked over at Shepard, who was surely wearing a mirror image of his own bemused expression as they locked eyes. It would have been strange enough for Joker to be getting friendly with _anyone,_ but for it to be Kaya was a bit beyond the realm of possibility.

As the odd couple got closer, Vega laughed for an entirely different reason. "You know, I'm not sure the brass if gonna be happy about you wearing N7 gear into their debriefing, Blue."

"Well, then they can buy me new clothes," Kaya said with a shrug.

"Or get her a salary," Joker offered. "We have a Normandy budget for feeding all those strays you pick up, right, Shepard?"

Shepard scoffed. "I wish. Looks like that one's coming out of your paycheck, Joker. And, we have other clothes aboard the Normandy, Kaya. Have you even _washed_ those?"

Kaya suddenly looked very sheepish. "Maybe – but, look, _everything_ you guys had was either military fatigues or embarrassingly skin tight. There's no room to breathe in those damn things, let alone eat a giant sushi dinner. Seriously, who decided _that_ was a good idea while I was away? I like my clothing to have flow and structure, thank you very much. Is some skillful draping too much to ask for?"

"And you've lost me," James said, shaking his head. "You should take her shopping, Lola."

Kaidan let out a snort, causing Shepard to whack him playfully upside the head. As far as Kaidan knew, the most girly action Shepard had ever taken involved watching  _Fleet and Flotilla_ with Tali. And that was only because it was Tali, and she could hardly turn the quarian down. Shopping was  _way_ outside Shepard's comfort zone.

"Maybe Liara can take you, Kaya," Kaidan amended quickly, running a hand through his hair. Shepard made a show of rolling her eyes. "She likes that sort of thing."

"Major Shepard. Major Alenko." A young servicewoman in dress blues greeted them with a salute. When they had returned the gesture, she said, "I'm to escort you and Lieutenant Cole up to the admiral's office."

"Guess that's my queue to bounce," James said. "I'm gonna hit up the shooting range. Wanna join, Joker?" 

"How many time do I have to tell you? A broken humerus is not a good look on me," Joker said.

James shrugged and started walking away, throwing a lazy wave and "adios" over his shoulder. Kaidan chuckled and started following Shepard and Kaya toward the elevator, but he stopped to turn to Joker for a moment.

"Sushi?"

Joker shrugged. "I was hungry."

"And you just decided to bring along our new friend because–"

"Because I'm just a nice guy like that, Alenko," Joker said, narrowing his eyes. "What exactly are you–"

"Nothing," Kaidan said, turning away with a wave. He only allowed himself to smirk after he was out of sight, but Kaidan heard Joker muttering something in an indignant manner behind him.

_Holy crap._ Joker and Kaya had gone on a _date._ When Kaidan reached the elevator, Kaya was shooting him an annoyed look very similar to Joker's. She opened her mouth to say something, but Kaya took to chewing on her lip instead as they headed up to the top floor.

The group headed into Hackett's office, and the young private that brought them up promised the admiral would be right in. Kaidan walked over to the window, feeling somewhat at ease in the room. Hackett's office was a familiar place, a sort of base of operations during the rebuilding of Vancouver. The large pane of glass, making up the western wall, was boasting a quite beautiful view of the bay today.

"A rare sunny day in Vancouver," he said. "Enjoy it while it lasts."

"You're from here, right?" Kaya asked, standing nervously in the center of the room. She walked over to the window, seemingly just to have something to do.

"Yeah," he said, suspecting she already knew the answer to her query. Kaya did not strike Kaidan as someone keen on polite conversation, but she appeared to be looking for _any_ distraction. She wrung her hands she looked outside, bouncing a bit on the balls of her feet. "I actually own a place on the bay, not too far from here. Maybe if we're on shore leave for a while, I'll throw a party."

Kaya raised an eyebrow at that. The idea of a party must have sounded utterly foreign right about now.

"Can I expect an invitation, Major?" Hackett's voice came from behind them. He eyed Kaya's attire with a hint of disdain as she turned around, and Kaidan had to struggle at keep his mouth a level line.

"I, uh, would you want one, sir?" Kaidan asked uncertainly. _That_ would certainly change the atmosphere of his hypothetical soiree.

"No, I suppose not," Hackett said with a hint of a laugh. He gestured to the conference table. "Go ahead and sit down. I think we have a lot to talk about. I want to know what the hell happened out there."

"It was an ambush," Shepard said as she sat, at the seat right next to the head of the table. Kaidan sat across from her while Hackett took the head chair. Kaya shifted between her feet nervously for a moment before taking a seat next to Kaidan.

Shepard proceeded to explain what happened, with Kaidan filling in the occasional detail. They described the gunfight in the streets and the local reluctance to help. Hackett bristled slightly at that, before explaining that tensions had started boiling over on certain colonies. Since the war, many of the rebuilding planets had been under something akin to martial law, and the people who lived there were beginning to forget what they owed the Alliance. Kaidan had seen signs of this old animosity returning, and he remembered it all too well from before the war, on Horizon.

When they got to the Normandy's attack, Shepard and Kaidan were unable to provide all of the details Hackett was looking for.

"What happened on your end, Lieutenant Cole?"

Kaya was silent, staring blankly down at the table. Her hands were balled into tight fists, and Kaidan saw that she had drawn blood from her cuticles. He looked over at Shepard and saw her uneasiness. Kaya was not ready for this. She needed to see a doctor, not give a debriefing. 

"Lieutenant Cole?"

Kaya looked up suddenly, blinking. "I'm sorry," she muttered, straightening in her chair and thrusting her hands into her lap. "Must've spaced out."

"Can you tell me what happened on the Normandy bridge, Lieutenant?" Hackett asked again.

Kaidan was shocked when Kaya started speaking in a quiet but calm voice. "They snuck up on us. Joker said they had a stealth drive. He tried to evade them – was doing a good job, as far as I could tell – but they had some, er, cyberwarfare program. It shut down the Normandy's systems, and they were able to dock. The crew fought back. There was a gunfight across the airlocks. I hit my head."

She absentmindedly reached up to her forehead, eyes going out of focus for a moment. "Have a mild concussion. Anyway, when I was able to focus I realized – I could feel the crew on other ship. I – how do I say this? – I directed one of them, the same way I did with Marcus. He shut down the cyberwarfare suite and the life support systems aboard the Cerberus ship. We got away."

The hollow markers of trauma were in her last words, but Kaidan was still surprised by Kaya's composure. Hackett appeared to be impressed, as well, if his slightly raised eyebrows were an indication. He was a hard son of a bitch to read.

"You saved the Normandy, Lieutenant," Hackett said after a moment's silence.

Kaya voice was quieter, now. Sadder. "So they keep telling me."

"You've worn the Alliance colors well. I suspected as much from your earlier report, Shepard. And that is why I want you three to listen to me very carefully now," Hackett said. Kaidan felt his brow furrow as he turned his shoulders more squarely to the admiral. There was a dark undercurrent in Hackett's voice. "The Alliance got your full report about Marcus, Shepard. And now there's this. With what Cole can do, well, she's a damned weapon. And they want to keep her on Earth."

It was not unexpected news, but Kaidan still felt himself getting angry. She had gone through enough. She wasn't their damn puppet.

"But, I've sat in on some meetings with Indigo. There's a unit separate from the group working at Grissom – research and development – that would take over Cole's command. Personally, I don't think the faction after the lieutenant have her best interests at heart. I don't think they have any of her interests at heart, and it doesn't appear that they would treat her much differently than Dr. Marcus."

Kaidan clenched his fists under the table. "What exactly are you saying, Admiral?"

"I'm saying you need to get her off this planet. Now. Keep her aboard the Normandy. Lieutenant, you'll have officially gone rogue while the Normandy was docked."

Kaidan reeled backwards a bit. He was reminded of Anderson, sending them after Saren against the Alliance's wishes. This was not _quite_ stealing the Normandy. But, hell, it might have been worse. Whatever these Project Indigo suits said to Hackett must have _really_ worried him. Or just pissed him off.

"I'm a telepath," Kaya said, a new confidence in her voice. "It wouldn't be hard to say that I realized what your orders were going to be during this meeting. I ran for it. Wouldn't be the first time I'd slipped my handlers."

"Exactly. Now go. Get your crew and get into atmo, before they decide to inspect the ship. I'll send you coordinates for your next mission." 

Everyone around the table stood in unison, springing to action. There was a certain, misplaced excitement in the air. This was not a damn game, but Kaidan could swear Shepard was smiling slightly. To his surprise, Kaya held out her hand to the admiral.

"Sir. I know you think I'm an insubordinate little shit. But, thank you."

He nodded, shook her hand, and motioned for them to get moving. Kaidan nodded appreciatively at Hackett and followed Kaya and Shepard out the door.

"So much for shore leave," Kaidan said. "Anyway, you're going to have to tell us about this _other_ time you went rogue."

 

* * *

 

"I was twenty," Kaya shrugged. "Running around the world with the largest military on Earth after me seemed like a good idea at the time."

"I knew I liked you," Jack said with a smirk, refilling Kaya's glass with some strange Asari liquor.

The team was gathered around the bar in the Normandy's lounge. They had just taken off from Earth and were heading toward a planet called Noveria, on some mission involving a corporation and krogan pirates. Kaya was shocked by how blasé everyone seemed about, well, _pirates._ Apparently this routine mission was almost _boring_ for them. Just an excuse to get out of the Sol system with their fugitive telepath on board.

"I still don't believe you," Kaidan said, shaking his head in amusement. "You evaded them for _six months._ "

"When you can always hear your enemies coming, running away is pretty easy," Kaya shrugged. She shifted uneasily in her chair. Maybe it was just the alcohol, but she needed to get something off her chest. "Speaking of which, I'm sorry for not catching those guys on Eden Prime earlier. I was, well, distracted." 

"Flirting, Blue. We call that flirting," Vega teased.

Kaya felt her face growing hot as Joker jumped in, "Psh, as if. She was _threatening_ me." The jibe did not seem to faze him.

"I've never had Blue threaten me, but I have to imagine it would be pretty hot."

Kaya narrowed her eyes at the shameless flirt. "And now I can never do it. Thanks, James."

"Any time," he said, flashing her a wide smile. Kaya made a show of rolling her eyes.

"I'm serious, though. I should have caught that. I should have realized it was a trap," Kaya insisted, looking down at her glass as she rolled it between her palms.

"The cannon fodder didn't know the plan, Kaya," Garrus said.

Kaya curled her bare feet under her, shifting uncomfortably on the couch at his terminology. She was glad _he_ could so easily emotionally distance himself from three swift headshots, but Kaya was not so lucky.

Jack noticed her discomfort, but she appeared to misinterpret it. "Hate to say it, but Garrus is right. You did everything you could. Now, stop delaying and finish the damn story. How _did_ you get caught?"

Kaya bit at her lip. It wasn't that the end of her time on the lam was a _bad_ memory, per se. It was just not exactly good, either. She took a long drink, trying to figure which details should be left out.

"Ran into my mentor in New York," she said. "I was walking around the Natural History museum, killing some time before meeting up with a friend. I was starting to run out of cash, even with the odd jobs I picked up. Cain – my mentor – he knew me better than I thought. They knew I was in New York, and he figured I would turn up at the museum. Once I could hear him, it was too late. They had every exit blocked."

"So you just gave up?" Jack said doubtfully.

"Hell no. I made for the roof," Kaya said with a bitter chuckle. "I had done some parkour training. Figured I'd find some way down or onto another building. But, Cain was up there. And, I don't know. I guess I realized how tired I was of running."

"Well, that's anti-climatic," Jack huffed.

"Sorry to disappoint," Kaya said dryly.

_Sorry to leave out the bit about having two snipers pointing their sights at my skull. Me being almost willing to let them pull the trigger. Cain talking them down. Saving my life._

Kaya shuddered and curled into a tighter ball. Shepard and Liara were sitting on either side, and both seemed to notice her discomfort. Liara launched into a conversation about some old friends, but Kaya was too distracted to figure out who they were talking about. She was so absorbed in her ruminations that she did not realize when the team started to clear out. Someone sat down on the couch next to her, and Kaya jumped a little. She realized with another start that the room was empty except for her and Joker.

"Heard Shepard say you're not allowed planet-side," he said. "Looks like we'll be spending a lot of time together. Two losers, stuck on the ship."

Kaya tried unsuccessfully to smile. Joker probably meant spending time up on the bridge, but she was not ready for that. She had not even been able to go out the airlock when they docked in Vancouver. That part of the ship was filled bad memories of gunfights and suicide. Thankfully, she had left her shoes in the hangar bay before Eden Prime, so there was an excuse to go out that way instead. 

Joker noticed her discomfort. "What's wrong? Tired of me already?"

She shook her head, realizing that the liquor had made it heavy. How much did she drink, anyway?

"Just tired," she said softly, not meeting his eyes. "It's been one hell of a day."

"Run with us long enough, and you get used to stuff like this," Joker said lightly. "Absconding with a telepath, under the direction of a damn admiral. Nah. Just a normal day when you've got three spectres aboard."

Kaya bit her lip and shook her head. "You guys are insane."

"See? You fit right in."

She felt her back tense at that, as her hand gripped more tightly at her glass. _You have no idea. Speaking of which–_ Kaya stood up and walked over to the small footlocker she was storing her meager number of possessions in. The room started to spin around her a bit. She had _maybe_ imbibed a tad too much.

"Okay, bad joke," he admitted, shifting uncomfortably on the couch. "Sorry."

She shook her head, rummaging through to find the bottle of pills. "Don't worry about it. I went to a boarding school for the traumatized. That wasn't how they advertised it, exactly, but we learned to make fun of ourselves."

"I – wait, seriously?"

"St. Vincent's," Kaya said, opening up her bottle of SSRIs. To his credit, Joker never said a word. "I went there, after – well, when regular high school in D.C. wasn't cutting it. Publically, they were a premiere school for geniuses. Invitation only. Very private. Like Eton, but without all the royalty. Behind closed doors, well, most kids were from broken homes or bad pasts. The guy who started it wanted a school that catered to _gifted_ kids whose parents wouldn't have the money to send them somewhere. Over time, it evolved into a place where the wealthy would send their _trouble cases._ "

Kaya walked over to the bar. She had not meant to sound so bitter, so she quickly added, "Don't get me wrong. It was a nice place. Great professors. Loads of one-on-one instruction. Everyone got into the best universities in the damn world. And we – we understood each other. I made some good friends there."

_And now they're all dead. Damn it._ She poured a shot and downed the pill. _Yeah, real healthy, Kaya._

"That's where they recruited you?" Joker asked.

She nodded. "I found out later that a few governments had recruiting agents embedded in the school. All allied nations, so there was kind of an unspoken agreement to allow it, so long as there was no poaching. It was a perfect breeding ground for intelligence agents. A lot of brilliant kids with street smarts and uncertain futures. They didn't actually _recruit_ teenagers. Well, except for me. Usually, they just kept an eye on them until university."

"How did they figure you out?"

She shrugged and returned to the couch, sitting cross-legged. "They were trained in recognizing people with, er, _special_ abilities. Just in case. No one actually thought telepaths or telekinetics existed, but it was a safety net. And then I showed up, and it turns out I was really bad at hiding my abilities."

"I noticed," he quipped, smirking.

"Shut up," she said, smacking him playfully on the arm. "You never would have actually figured it out. Suspected I was weird, or something. Most people just thought I was creepily intuitive. Didn't help in the making friends department. But, I just – Hmm. It just gets annoying, okay? Pretending not to hear. It feels even more dishonest, somehow."

"I would have figured it out," Joker said confidently. She crossed her arms doubtfully as he continued, "Are you _sure_ you can't turn it off?"

Kaya narrowed her eyes at him. He was just teasing, but it still hit a raw nerve. "I've had over ten years of practice. Ten years of training. And now I'm all supercharged. Sorry, Moreau, but you're just going to have to deal with me knowing all your embarrassing secrets. "

"Good thing I don't have any," he shot back.

"You sure about that?" she asked in a sing-song voice, raising an eyebrow. Kaya smirked as his face grew a little pink. "Relax, I'm just screwing with you."

She tried to stifle a yawn, but it bloomed into a full-fledged stretch. Joker stood up and took her glass, returning it to the bar. She caught, for the briefest moment, his thought about her being "cute."

"I should let you get some sleep," he said.

"Yeah. Night," she said, standing up. Then, before he could walk out the door, she added, "You know, Joker Moreau, you're all right. For a military guy. I'm sorry I tried to kill you with a chair."

He chortled. "Eh. I'm used to it. And you're okay, too. For a spy, anyway."

He waved lazily at her as the door closed behind him, and Kaya felt strangely content. Surely, that was just the alcohol talking. It had been way too stressful a day for her to be _happy._


	15. Petrichor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, so a bit of mild almost-smut happens in this chapter. Still rated T, just thought I should provide a little warning.

_It was raining. Pouring, really. The water blurred out the edges of the world, leaving only a patch of graying grass in focus. He wasn't getting wet, which was curious. And then Joker looked up and realized he was holding an umbrella._

_Right._

_There was someone else in the clearing. A small figure in a long blue dress. The rain pressed her braid to the bare of her back. The folds of her soaked-through outfit were stuck to her in all the right ways. Then, she was suddenly untouched by the rain, and instead the wind was pulling at the fabric, forming waves in the storm._

_He walked next to her. She needed shelter more than he did. He offered her the umbrella, stepping out from under it._

_"We can share, you idiot."_

_Right._

_They stood, looking out into the fog. There was nothing there, but they kept looking anyway. Her dress was soaked through again. Water was running down her slender shoulders and flowing in tiny streams off her fingertips. He was wet, too. His suit was soaked, the fabric clinging uncomfortably against every inch of skin._

_Why was he wearing a suit?_

_"I can't remember," she said._

_Joker turned to Kaya. She had turned her face up to him with a sad smile._ _There was music playing, somewhere. A slow, nostalgic piece on the violin. Had it always been there?_

_"You look nice," he said, not really having meant to say that out loud._ Quick. Say something, so she knows you weren't just thinking about how her dress is clinging to her hips. Shit. _"Your hair–"_

_She grabbed at the braid and pulled it over her shoulder, looking down. "I used to wear it like this a lot."_

_He realized the scars at the side of her head were gone. This must have been how she looked, before._

_"Do you want to dance?" he found himself saying._

What? No. What are you thinking?

_But, they were dancing. She had her arms draped over his shoulders, and his hands were on her hips. She wore a big smile. The genuine kind that reached her eyes. The kind he had only seen her flash twice. Both times before, she quickly stashed the moment of happiness away as quickly as it came, as if unwilling to be content in the midst of everything else._

_"This is nice. Not a whole lot of dancing on the Normandy," she said._

_The music stopped. The rain kept beating down. The umbrella was forgotten in the grass. The rain ran down his hair and into his beard. It poured over his eyes, blurring out the world even more. He thought to wipe it away, but that would mean letting go of her._

_She kissed him. Or, he kissed her. He wasn't really sure. But, there was definitely the warm pressure of her lips on his. There was definitely the way they moved slowly and uncertainly. No, not uncertainly. Carefully. Like she was exploring him just as intently as he was her. His arms wrapped tightly around her waist, and she ran her fingers slowly up through his hair._

_She pulled away, smiling. She was beautiful when she actually smiled. This was not the sarcastic smirk or the brave face. This was Kaya, as she was before._  

_She jumped up, wrapping her legs around his waist, putting all of her weight onto him. It brought her level with him, and he pressed his lips to her neck. Her skin was warm and wet, tasting like summer._

_The scene suddenly shifted, and they were sitting in tall grass. The rain was warm on his back. When had he taken his shirt off? Damn, when had_ she _taken her dress off? She was sitting between his legs, her back pressed to his bare stomach, wearing nothing but a lacy purple bra. His arms were wrapped around her stomach, his fingers slowly weaving through the ends of her hair. She leaned her head back against his shoulder._

_God, when was the last time he had just held someone? He forgot how absolutely comforting it could be. There was nothing else except her, safe in his arms._

_Her hair was pulled to one side, and her tilted head left the strong line of her neck exposed.  He pressed his lips there, to soft skin over a tense line of muscle. She made a little sighing sound, and he was determined to get her to make it again._

_The scene changed again, and he was lying over her in the grass. The rain had stopped. When had the sun come out? The grass no longer looked gray, and the sunlight glinted off her bright blue eyes. She was laughing as she pulled close to him, bringing her lips to his. He was bracing himself against one strong arm while the other rested on her stomach. He broke away and started planting lines of kisses. Down her neck. Between her breasts. And down further still. She tasted like summer rain and something else. Something sweet that he could not quite place. She inhaled sharply before making that sexy, contented sound again._

 

* * *

 

Kaya awoke grinning like an idiot. _Probably shouldn't be having sex dreams about members of the crew. Especially not_ that _member of the crew._

But, damn, it was a good dream. She started getting that hollow, aching feeling. The longing that arrived when a good dream ended, the details rapidly disintegrating like smoke in the rain.

_What are you doing? Just stop. This is silly._

The thought of seeing Joker again, in the real world, was sobering enough. But, it turned out there was an upside to being privy to everyone else's fantasies. Kaya developed a damn good poker face, and a general lack of embarrassment, over the years. People thought about each other in ways they would _never_ act on in their waking hours. All her experience with media culture and girlfriends indicated that _most_ people got embarrassed upon running into someone they dreamed about like _that._ Utterly flustered, even. But, Kaya would be able to face Moreau in the morning without any problems. Hell, it wasn't like _he_ hadn't experienced a few errant thoughts. A few mentions of the word "cute," and some less innocent things, too.

Somewhere, in the back of her mind, there was a nagging voice. _Yeah, but he hasn't dreamed about sexy times with you._

She rolled her eyes and sat up. Rolling her eyes at  _herself_ seemed indicative of excellent mental health, but Kaya pushed that thought away. She realized sleep was unlikely to return for some time, so she decided to get up. She slipped on a sweatshirt over her tank top and running shorts, pulling the hood up over her head. Damn, she had _hair_ in her dream. Her fingers traced lightly across her skull – no longer bald, but rough with new growth – under the hood. Kaya had been hoping this style would grow on her, but it was still only a painful reminder of everything that happened.

Kaya walked barefoot out of the observation lounge, into the mess, and made herself a cup of coffee. It was just a couple of hours before "morning" aboard the Normandy, anyway. The mess was mercifully abandoned. The only people awake aboard the Normandy were the skeleton crew functioning up on the C.I.C.

She sat down on the countertop and took a deep inhale. The coffee was shit. Bad enough that she needed cream and sugar. But, it at least _smelled_ good. She was sitting, curled up on the counter with her face buried in an oversized mug when Joker Moreau walked in.

He looked at her and began to flash an easy smile. O _ne that made her heart leap. Wait. No. Damn it._ Then, his face changed entirely. He turned on his heel and starting darting back for the crew quarters.

Oh shit. Oh hell no. That was not _her_ dream.

"Wait!" she called out after him, wincing as she said it. _What are you doing? Just let him go. There's no way this gets_ less _awkward._ He kept walking, and Kaya felt a twinge of annoyance at that. "Joker Moreau, I'm talking to you."

"What?"

_Yeah, what? The fucking fuck are you going to say? Oh, hey, we had the same sex dream. What a great bonding experience._

Joker turned reluctantly, and Kaya felt her face grow hot. She could still feel his lips on hers. And she could feel them other places, too.

_Oh, god damn it._

_This_ had never happened before. Seeing other people's sex dreams and fantasies – hell, seeing people's sexual encounters themselves – from their perspective was one thing. It was something she was used to. But, this. What _was_ this? Had they just – was it a dream at all?

_Why couldn't you just keep your damn mouth shut?_

Well, when in doubt, Kaya knew there was one foolproof way of getting out of psychically-induced awkwardness. Lie though your teeth.

"Can we just talk about this?" she said, willing the color to leave her face. "Like adults, I mean?"

"Talk about what?"

She raised an eyebrow over her mug. _That's right. Just keep it light. Smooth. Stick to the semi-awkward conversations you know._

"People have dreams about other people naked, Joker. It's pretty par for the course. And, living aboard a warship, you're hardly the first person who's seen me naked in their bunk."

"Wait, you, I–" he stuttered. It was kind of adorable, seeing him get all flustered. "Every time somebody thinks of you in _that_ way, you know?"

"The first few days of high school were absolutely terrifying," she said. Her voice was light and playful, but there was a serious undertone. "I mean, I pretty much had _just_ discovered the whole telepath thing. And then I was surrounded by a bunch of hormonal teenagers. I got over it pretty quick. I had to, I guess. I had a therapist in the CIA who felt I hadn't really, seriously 'addressed that issue.' But, people think about sex. They _dream_ about it. It's not a big deal."

"You don't feel – I don't know. Violated?" 

_You're probably the one who should be feeling violated right now._

"Not from something like _that_ ," she said, pointing with her free hand over toward the crew quarters. Joker blushed harder as his eyes fell on the hallway he had just come from. "That was normal. Healthy. I've been privy to a lot worse. _A lot worse._ "

"Yeah, that's fucked up," Joker said, walking over to the counter. His embarrassment rapidly shifted to concern. "You make it sound like I was _nice_ in my violating fantasy, so it's okay. Because I didn't, what, hurt you?" Kaya winced at that, and her reaction only served to make Joker more worried. "If somebody on this ship–"

"What? No!" she insisted. "No, Joker. Nobody on the ship is one of the people I'm talking about. It's rare, okay? And I'm _not_ saying that you're less violating by comparison, and so it's okay. I'm saying I really don't feel violated by what you thought about. At all. I'm used to it. And, I mean, would _you_ feel violated if I thought about kissing you?"

_Damn it, Kaya. Shut your oversized mouth._

He staggered back a bit at that. At least the flash of anger and concern was gone.

"Have you?" Joker stammered out.

"Maybe," she said coyly with a shrug.

_What. Are. You. Doing?_

Her stupid little flirtation at least seemed to lift his spirits. Joker leaned forward, about to say something when Shepard entered the room. _God damn it._ There was still enough distance between Joker and Kaya, so their situation was not immediately obvious. Shepard waved and walked over, mercifully oblivious.

"What are you two doing up? Joker, I put you on a schedule for a reason. And, Kaya, get your feet off the counter. That's disgusting."

Kaya moved her feet and started swinging them nervously over the side instead. She could hear Joker's internal monologue. _"Oh, nothing. Just talking about sex dreams. About each other. Totally normally behavior. How's your morning going, Shepard?"_

Kaya had to stifle a giggle as she said nonchalantly, "Couldn't sleep." She felt her stomach growl. "Come to think of it, I think it's because I'm fucking starving."

"I told you, you haven't been eating enough," Shepard said. "Biotic amps up your metabolism."

"Maybe if we had better food on the ship–"

"We got some provisions in Vancouver. Knock yourself out," Shepard said, pointing to the refrigerator.

"Sweet," Kaya said, jumping down from the counter. It would be nice to have something to do, something to distract her. She opened the refrigerator and started rummaging through. Eggs. Milk. Apples _. Ooh, real butter._ "Do we have any bread? Like, good bread?" 

Shepard held out a loaf that had been placed on the counter. 

"It'll do," Kaya said with a sideways glance, pulling together ingredients and standing on her tiptoes to rummage through the cabinets for a mixing bowl.

"What are you–"

"French toast," Kaya answered Shepard, earning a snort from Joker. She located a frying pan and started washing her hands. "Want some?"

"You cook?" Shepard asked. 

Kaya nodded. "Stress relief. After a long day on a rotation or a bad exam – or, well, a bad mission _–" Or a super awkward social situation. "_ It would give me something simple to focus on. With the added bonus of tasting good. So, you in?"

"Sure. You need help?"

Kaya handed the bag of apples to Shepard and started melting some butter in a saucepan. "Chop these. I mean, please chop these, ma'am. Joker, you just gonna stand there? See if you can find some vanilla and sugar."

He gave her a sarcastic little salute, and Kaya set to putting together the egg batter with a smirk. They did not have vanilla – which was not entirely surprising – but there was at least sugar. Kaya showed Shepard how to make the sauce and focused on what she could remember for the recipe. But, the task at had was not particularly complicated, and she found her thoughts drifting back to that rainy meadow as she began dredging the bread. _Think of something to say, you idiot._

"Where did you learn to cook?" Joker asked, saving her from the rising panic in her internal monologue. 

She was wrong. This was awkward as  _hell_ , and having Shepard there made it infinitely worse.

"My dad taught me," Kaya said softly, grateful to have something else to talk about. "Although I learned how to make French toast from my roommate in college. She was _obsessed._ With good reason. We used to make a huge hangover brunch every Sunday at our place. She was a total mother hen, so we always had a good three or four people crash with us after a night out. Speaking of which, I'm guessing mimosas are against regulation."

"Also pretty sure we don't have champagne," Shepard said. "But, yeah, the brass tends to look down on a commander drinking with her crew while on duty."

"Bunch of stiffs," Kaya mock-chastised. "Hey, it's not like we're really up for following the rules around–"

Shepard shot her a look, and Kaya clamped her mouth shut. When Shepard went to wash her hands, Joker caught Kaya's eye. He smirked, and she listened in without meaning to.

_"This is surprisingly normal. Just making a nice fancy breakfast with Shepard and the girl I – with Kaya. She really doesn't feel awkward about it at all."_

Kaya thought about saying something affirmative, but she remembered how _annoyed_ Joker became every time she got inside his head. She flashed him a quick smile back instead, but the faint smell of char brought her back to the task at hand. Kaya pulled the first of the French toast out of the pan, realizing with a little embarrassment that she had slightly burned it. 

When they tucked in at the dining table, Kaya admitted it was far from the best meal she ever cooked. But, it was still damn good, and it was a far sight better than anything else she had eaten aboard the Normandy.

"I'll have to put a little more of the budget toward provisions," Shepard said, stuffing another piece of toast into her mouth. She ignored all typical rules of decorum and plowed ahead with a full mouth, "We don't really have anyone officially on Mess Hall duty right now, so maybe you should take over. We're supposed to stop on Ilium after Noveria. We should be able to get some good stuff there. You can buy some clothes, too."

"I thought I wasn't allowed off the ship," Kaya said, finding herself getting excited. She had read a little bit about Ilium. The pictures on the extranet looked incredible.

"You're not," Shepard said with a pointed look. _Damn._ "But, you can at least get things delivered same-day while we're in town."

"One problem–"

"I'll cover you," Shepard said. "But, you're paying me back one day. I expect you'll go off to be a rich little doctor at some point."

"Deal," Kaya said, sponging up some of the apple sauce with a piece of toast. "Can I make requests? For the food?"

Shepard made the mistake of agreeing, and Kaya entered into a long list of things she wanted. She stopped to explain the occasional unfamiliar dish, only to be reminded of something else that would be good.

"Okay, okay," Shepard finally said, putting up her hands. "I'll tell Alex, our requisition officer, to talk to you. Sound good?"

Kaya smiled. Taking over kitchen duty sounded like a good idea. It was something to get her mind off everything.

"I should get going," Joker said, finishing his coffee with one long gulp. "We should be hitting the last relay jump soon. That was really good, though, Kaya. Thanks."

Kaya kept eating as Joker and Shepard brought their dishes over to the kitchen. She had just agreed to be the chef for a damn warship – a _space_ warship – and yet that felt oddly normal. Never would Kaya have believed her life could get more ridiculous, but the impossible scenarios kept piling on. Joker looked back at Kaya, as he and Shepard passed the table on their way to the elevator. Without really knowing why, Kaya winked. Joker turned around hastily, the back of his neck turning pink.

_More impossible scenarios._

 

 

 

 

 

 


	16. Lessons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the relatively long pause in updating! The last semester of my masters is kicking my ass right now. But, I have a few more chapters after this one (almost) done, so I should be updating more regularly in the weeks ahead.

_"You did good, child. You did good. I'm proud of you."_

Kaya jolted awake atop her cot on the observation deck. She had pushed it against the window, so she was greeted by the sight of the stars flying by. Kaya tried to relax, taking in the view, but it only brought back Shepard's memories of watching Earth burn from the Citadel. She stood up, shaking her head – as if that somehow would rid it of the nightmares – and closed the shutters.

Why did she keep reliving _Shepard's_ memories? Why no one else? It had been a week since the Normandy left Earth, and every night Kaya dreamed a different dream of Shepard's making. Horizon. Eden Prime. Virmire. Saren. The Alpha Relay. Horror after horror. Victory after victory. Sometimes the two were pretty indistinguishable from each other.

"Joker, are you awake?"

There was silence on the other end of the line, and Kaya hoped she had not woken him. She was pretty sure Joker was duty, but maybe she overslept. If that was the case, Jack would kill her. They were supposed to have a _lesson_ in the morning.

"You're supposed to be asleep," Joker said in her ear. There was a quiet concern in his voice that Kaya was happy to ignore.

"Okay, good. Didn't oversleep. Jack would have thrown me into a bulkhead."

Joker gave a little snort. "Don’t worry. I would have woken you up before that happened."

"Aren't you sweet?"

"I try."

The incidents of the past week were firmly behind them, and Kaya found that Joker was one of the many people she could _trust_ aboard the Normandy. That was a strange feeling. Kaya was not really used to trusting anyone. Before being frozen upon the Magellan, there were few people she could tell her truths, and most of them saw Kaya as a weapon. But, having her cards all out on the table with the crew – with a crew interested in protecting her – was liberating. Yet, as much as Kaya trusted Shepard or Kaidan, Joker was the one she liked to talk to when the nightmares awoke her. Ever since that little  _dream_ a few days ago, the awkwardness between the two of them slowly evolved into something strangely meaningful. There was something genuine there, and even someone as utterly terrified of commitment as Kaya could see it.

She meditated on that strange turn of events, considering what to do with her morning. She sat up on the cot and cracked her back, her neck, her knuckles. She stood and did some sun salutations, just to stretch out. Her calves and back were stiff and sore. Her hip was bruised in a couple of places where she had hit the mat _hard_ during biotic training. Having power like that should have been fun. Amazing, even. Instead, ever since Shepard turned her training sessions over from Kaidan to Jack, the "psychotic biotic" was running Kaya into the ground every morning.

At least the constant training was keeping her from getting to restless. Kaya remembered back to the times when she would hole up for a week in her apartment, studying mercilessly and realizing she should really get roommates. How had she been able to stand it? Staying in one place for so long? 

_Oh, right. You used to like the person inside your own head._

"Are you okay?" Joker's voice broke the contemplative silence. "What was it this time?"

"Nothing bad. Nothing that bad, anyway," Kaya corrected herself. "The Citadel. The Crucible. Admiral Anderson dying. Not necessarily a bad memory. Not by Shepard's standards, anyway. It was sort of … bittersweet. It did end the war, after all."

_EDI. The Geth. Shepard's guilt. And Joker doesn't know. He can't know. Not my place to say._

"That didn't really answer my first question," Joker said.

Kaya was stretched into downward dog, pushing her heels to the floor. The backs of her legs felt particularly stiff. "I'm fine, Moreau."

"Uh huh."

"If you wanna worry about anyone, worry about Shepard. I mean, hell, I'm just getting a fraction of things. I don’t know how one person can hold so much pain in their life."

"Yes, you do."

His voice was soft, the reassuring tone at odds with the harsh truth behind his words. Kaya stood, bringing her hands into a prayer-like gesture. She took a deep breath. It was time. She needed to make it up onto the bridge sooner or later.

"I'm coming up," she said, wincing at how her voice pitched up an octave. "That okay?"

"Yeah," Jeff said, clearly surprised. "Yeah, okay."

 

* * *

 

Joker snapped his head up when someone sat in the copilot's chair next to him. He almost did not recognize Kaya. She had pulled what was left of her hair into a braid, and she was wearing a _dress._ It was a black number with a flowing skirt and tightly fitted piece on the top. He was pretty sure she was wearing makeup, too.

_Holy shit._

He couldn't help it. Joker let out a low whistle.

"You know, I'm kind of second guessing this," Kaya mused, curling her bare feet in under her. _No wonder she snuck up on me._ "I had forgotten how annoying all the attention can be."

"Was someone thinking bad thoughts? Do I need to beat them up?" Joker said, only half-teasing. He still remembered what Kaya said the other night about those rare moments when she did, in fact, feel violated by someone else's thoughts.

Kaya laughed and flashed him a mischievous smirk. She was trying to get a rise out of him, that little she-devil.

"Joker, _you_ were the one just staring at my tits."

_No I – okay, yeah. I probably was._

"Well, you're the girl who says her armor has 'boob holsters,'" he said, making air quotes with his fingers.

_And, great. Now I'm picturing her in her armor. That badass, formfitting armor._

"Because it totally does!" Kaya laughed. "And that's not an excuse for staring at my chest, Moreau!"

There was a note of righteous indignation in her voice, leaving Joker to ask, "Wait, are you actually annoyed with me?"

"Yes."

"Seriously?"

"Yes." Her voice was cold and insistent.

He narrowed his eyes at her, trying to figure out whether or not she was serious. Over the past couple weeks, Joker learned that Kaya had a damn good poker face. But, he decided to take a risk, flicking his gaze jokingly back down at her cleavage. It took a lot of effort to look back away quickly.

"You're impossible," she laughed. _Called it._ "And I would think you'd better at sneaking a peak. I mean, with someone like Liara on board." 

 _Did she just–_ Joker burst out into hearty laughter.

"Oh my god. You've totally been checking out Liara. I didn't know you went that way, Kaya."

 _Wait, does she go that way?_  

Kaya smirked and gave a little shrug. "I have a certain appreciation for humanoid anatomy, no matter the gender."

"Right," Joker said, finding his mind wandering off to an unsavory place. Liara and Kaya. Now _there_ was a thought.

"Oh my god! Stop!" Kaya suddenly shouted. She ripped off his cap and smacked him in the face with it.

"Ow! No fair!" he yelled back, swatting at her hand and trying to take back his hat. "That's cheating!"

She pulled it out of his reach, standing up on the armrest of the copilot's chair. _One hell of a view._

"You know, sometimes this whole telepath thing really blows."

He laughed, trying to lean out after her. Not that he would ever be able to reach, and Joker couldn't move nearly as nimbly over the console.

"Phrasing," he noted with a raised eyebrow.

Kaya opened her mouth to say something, when Shepard's voice chimed in behind them. "Kaya, please don't physically abuse my pilot."

 _Shit. How long has she been standing there?_  

Kaya froze, hat raised above her head. "Trust me, Major, he was asking for it."

"Was not," Joker said, realizing how childish it sounded.

"Was too," she shot back. At least they were both on the same page.

"You two are insufferable," Shepard groaned.

"Oh yeah," Liara said behind them, walking up onto the bridge. "Because you and Garrus _never_ get sickeningly affectionate on missions." 

The previous image of Liara and Kaya making out flooded back into Joker's mind, right as _what exactly_ Liara was implying clicked into place. Joker Moreau did not embarrass easily, but the combination was a bit much for one guy to handle.

"We – we weren't –  _sickeningly affectionate_?" he choked out, feeling the heat rising to his face as the image of a scantily-dressed Liara still lingered in his mind's eye. Kaya began giggling like a madwoman, as Shepard and Liara argued over the commander's banter. "Yeah – we're not – nothing like – what are you two doing up here, anyway?"

Shepard put a hand on the back of chair, "Just checking in."

There was something suspicious in her sing-song voice. She and Liara walked back down the bridge, and Kaya was still giggling as the cockpit door closed. 

"Thanks for the help. Jerk," he spat out, shooting her a dirty look.

She was still shaking with laughter, wiping tears from her eyes, as she responded, "Oh my god. Your thought process. That was amazing." Kaya sat back down, twirling his cap in her hands. Joker was about to ask for it back, when she put it on her own head. "Dude. Your head is huge. Why am I not surprised?"

"Hey!" He reached out to grab it back as she started adjusting the strap at the back, but she moved effortlessly out of his reach. "You're messing it up!"

She got the fit to her liking and pulled the brim low across her forehead, flashing him a toothy grin. _Oh, god damn. That was hot._ Kaya must have heard him, because she put her bare feet on the console with a self-satisfied smirk. But, her expression quickly changed as she noticed the time.

She roughly pulled off the cap, readjusted the strap, and placed it back on his head. "I've gotta go change. Biotic training. Yay."

"Wait, you decided to wear a dress for all of five minutes? Why?" he asked, bringing his hands up to adjust the angle.

"It's new," she said with a shrug, as if that was a perfectly acceptable explanation.

Kaya stood on her tip toes _just_ in his field of view and began twirling the skirt. She gave a little wave and bounded off. It was only after the cockpit door closed with a _whoosh_ behind her that Joker felt the warmth in his chest. He suddenly had the sinking feeling that Shepard and Liara were on to something, after all.

 

* * *

 

The little high Kaya felt whilst up in the C.I.C. – terrible Cerberus memories be damned – disappeared quickly under Jack's tutelage. An hour into their lesson, Kaya was falling to the floor _again_ with a groan as Jack's singularity gave out. 

"Son of a bitch," Kaya spat. "I thought I had it that time."

"What do I keep telling you? Stop trying to force it. It's about proper muscle movements, not sheer force of will. Let the amp do the work."

Kaya rubbed at the back of her neck, glaring at Jack as she offered a hand. Kaya pushed herself up, saying, "I'm fine. And we don't even know what the proper muscle moments _are,_ Jack. We went through all of the standard ones. Twice. Whatever I am, it's clearly not a normal biotic.

"No shit," Jack said, stepping away and getting ready for another round. "That's why we're doing this."

"But, is throwing me repeatedly into the air _really_ necessary?"

"You need motivation," Jack said with a shrug. "Come on, Kaya. I'm going easy on you."

"Why do I find that so hard to believe?" Kaya sighed, rolling her neck. Her shoulder was suddenly tight, probably from the way she slammed into it after a five foot drop. 

"Come on, kid. Again."

Jack thrust her hand forward as Kaya tried to set up a barrier. This time, though, there was no flying toward the hangar bay ceiling. Kaya held her arms out in front of her, and the air shimmered with blue light. The singularity bounced off her barrier and disintegrated. Kaya could feel the force of it for a moment, this strange hybrid between a particularly loud thought and the thrum of a subwoofer. Mental _and_ physical, vibrating through the air. It made a strange sound before disappearing, leaving Kaya's own blue light intact.

Kaya laughed in surprise, putting her hands down with the barrier. Jack took advantage and sent another sphere toward her.

"Damn it, Jack!" Kaya called out as she rocketed up toward the ceiling again. She tried to position herself for the fall. "I wasn't ready!"

"Your enemies aren't going to wait for you to be ready, Cole." Kaya fell to the floor with a thud. She was going to be covered in black and blue splotches tomorrow. "You know, that last barrier was actually pretty good. But, you need to stay on your toes."

"Thanks," Kaya groaned. "Mind if I give it another shot _without_ the threat of sudden levitation?"

She threw her arms out in front of her, trying not to force it. _Let the amp do the work. It's just like reading. It's just a part of you. A part of your very being. An extension of your nervous system. Deep breath._

She felt a disturbance in the air and opened her eyes. Kaya was pleasantly surprised to see a shimmer of blue light around her. Jack was throwing various objects from Vega's workbench at the barrier, but it was holding.

"Alright, take a break, Cole," Jack said, sounding satisfied.

Kaya collapsed onto the mat. She was _exhausted._ Nothing in her life had _ever_ made her this tired. And she had once gone almost three days without sleep, working in the emergency room after an 8.5 in Los Angeles. Jack offered her a protein bar, and Kaya accepted gratefully as she wiped the copious amount of sweat from her face with the front of her shirt.

"Nice view, Blue."

"Bite me, Vega," Kaya groaned, deciding to strip of her tank top in its entirety, revealing the sports bra underneath. She took a bite of the energy bar and turned back to Jack, "Can I ask you a serious question?"

"Depends on the question."

"You really like this stuff. The training, I mean," Kaya said. "So, what are you doing here? Why aren't you back with your students?"

"Because you need my help," Jack said simply. "Yeah, Alenko could _maybe_ train you, but I'm better. And, protecting you means I protect the kids at the Academy. The Alliance won't go after them without a damn good reason. Bad public relations. Besides, I–"

"Get it," Kaya finished when Jack trailed off. "You know, it's almost sweet. Or it would be, if my ass wasn't bruised beyond recognition."

"Looks good from here, Blue."

"Do you ever give up?" Kaya groaned.

"Is he bothering you?" Jack asked, cracking her knuckles. "Because I could–" 

"No!" Kaya said, throwing up a hand. "We're just messing around."

"Good, because I'm turning you over to Muscles here for combat training," Jack said, tossing a towel at Kaya's face.

Kaya reached up to catch it a second too late, and so she caught the towel with her face, instead. "Why the hell would you do that?" 

"Shepard's orders," James answered. "You need to be able to protect yourself. I think Scars is gonna teach you how to shoot, too."

"I know how to shoot," Kaya said, pulling the towel from her face as Jack made for the elevator. "And, look at me, James. I'm never going to win in hand-on-hand combat. Unless I'm fighting a child. Or maybe a volus."

"You just have to use your speed to your advantage," James said, extending a hand. 

She took his hand with a groan, and everything was already aching as he pulled her up. "If I had speed, that would work. But, I don't. I was a pretty shitty field agent, and they had _ten years_ to train me."

"Well, you didn't have _me_ ," James said, tossing her an energy drink and some flex tape. "Hydrate and gear up."

"Okay, but I'm going to disappoint you even more than I disappoint Jack," Kaya said, wrapping her hands. "Seriously, just put me in a pretty dress and point me at a dignitary. _That_ is my forte."

"I don't doubt you look good in a dress," Vega said. "But I don't think Cerberus is gonna be quite so subtle."

Kaya chugged the energy drink and threw the empty canister aside. "Fine. Bring it on."

"Okay, lesson number one: using your enemy's weight against them."

They sparred for about an hour, although sparring was a particularly nice way of putting it. Vega was definitely holding back, but even his weakest punches hurt like a bitch. The energy drink started to wear off about twenty minutes in, but James refused to even stop and let her even have a drink of water. And here Kaya once thought he was such a teddy bear. 

She managed to finally understand one of the techniques James was trying to teach, after only sixty five minutes. As he charged at her, Kaya was able to get under the marine and flip him onto the floor. He landed with a grunt and laughed a bit, just as Kaya collapsed under his weight beside him. 

"There you go," he said, looking over at her. "Although, you need to try and stay on your feet. In a real fight, you're using that move to run or put a bullet in my head."

She pushed herself up with shaking arms. "Fair enough. But, can we take a break _now?_ " 

"Nope."

"Damn it, Vega!" she yelled, surprised to hear her voice break. She knew this game. She knew Vega was attempting to push her to her physical and mental limits. It did not mean she had to partake. "I'm not special forces!"

"Clearly," he scoffed, getting up. "Now, I'm going to charge you again–"

"No. I'm going to get a drink," Kaya said, stalking off toward the water cooler.

Vega grabbed at her arm, and Kaya felt a surge of anger. Suddenly, there was a flash of blue light and a sickening thud of person on ceramic. She turned around in time to see Vega sliding down the side of the Kodiak.

"Oh my god!" she ran over in panic. Oh god. She just killed James. Or seriously injured him. _This_ was why she did not want to train her biotic powers. With a throw like that, she could have–

Apparently done no harm at all. James was clutching at his side, laughing heartily as she ran over. "Hah! That was awesome! You should have seen the look on your face. Okay, fine. I think you earned a drink. You get three minutes."

"Fucking marines," she muttered, stalking off to get some water. At least her combat training was assisting in her biotic education.

Kaya was about to tell him off when Shepard's voice sounded in her ear. "Vega, Cole. I'm calling the lesson short for the day. We've got new intel on Cerberus. Hit the showers and get up to the conference room."

Kaya had never been so happy to be ordered to a conference room in her life.

 

 

 

 


	17. Rannoch

Kaya was the last one to enter the conference room at a jog. Kaya had gotten distracted in the showers, given that she was the only person there. It was nice having a little privacy, for once, and she reckoned she should start showering in the middle of the day more often. When she had remembered that Shepard was waiting, however, Kaya cursed loudly and threw her dress hastily over her head. She finished dressing in the elevator, pulling up her zipper just as the door opened onto the C.I.C.

Her hair was still dripping wet, and Kaya tried to braid it nervously as she looked around the room. The whole team, minus Joker, was standing around the conference table. It immediately struck her as strange that there were no chairs. She had been aboard the Normandy for a decent chunk of time now, but the ship's various eccentricities were just starting to become apparent.

The crew's were a little more readily visible, especially when they all gathered in the same room. But, there was a strange logic in that madness. The Normandy's team reminded her of damn comic book characters, all tragic back stories and super powers. Not to mention the quirky, dark senses of humor and questionable fashion choices. It made sense, in a dysfunctional storybook kind of way, that such a group had saved the galaxy.

"Nice of you to join us," Shepard said with a raised eyebrow. Kaya had the common decency to smile sheepishly, as the chatter around the table died down. "Right. We have a lead on Dr. Marcus's people. One of Liara's sources forwarded some intel, and we believe an old contact of the doctor's is on Rannoch."

Kaya had only done a little research on the Quarians, mostly in relation to the war with the Geth, but their home world seemed an odd place for the search to lead to.

"Hey, we should stop by and say hi to Tali," Joker said over the comm.

The sound of Joker's voice caused Kaya's heart to skip a beat. She convinced herself that Joker just startled her. She had not been aware he was listening in.

"That's the plan. She might be able to help us on this one," Shepard said.

Kaidan was pacing at the other end of the table, and he turned to Shepard to ask, "Rannoch? What kind of contact are we dealing with here?"

"Quarian scientist," Shepard explained. "Worked on some Council project with Marcus back during his pilgrimage. We intercepted messages that they exchanged before Omega. Marcus was asking for the scientist's help."

Shepard looked apprehensively over at Kaya. She wanted to roll her eyes and reassure everyone that it was fine. She was over it. But, she felt her hands ball into fists and her shoulders tense instead. It seemed sheer force of will was a poor match for the psychological scars of severe trauma, all. But, there was another tactic Kaya could try. This one, unlike the copious amounts of alcohol she had been sneaking from the bar, was actually based in sound clinical practice.

Kaya swallowed hard and asked, "Major, any chance I could go planet-side for this one?"

Shepard raised an eyebrow, considering for a moment. "No. I'm sorry, Kaya, but it's just too risky."

"It's  _always_ too risky," Kaya groaned. She was aware of how whiny she sounded, like a teenager being grounded. But, she did not care. She needed to take these bastards on head on. She needed to face her fears. But, Shepard only crossed her arms at Kaya's tone. "I'm serious. I'm going frickin' insane here."

"No." Shepard's voice carried unmatched authority.

"Especially since this could be another trap," Liara said. "My source has not been able to verify whether or not the messages are genuine, but–"

"It's the only lead we've got," Shepard finished as Liara trailed off. Shepard shot the asari a look that quite clearly said,  _"Relax. It's fine._ "

_"_ Fine. Ma'am," Kaya muttered.

_You know, last time we walked into a trap, my being aboard the ship was far from a good day._

Shepard narrowed her eyes at Kaya's tone, but she was apparently satisfied that the young psychic was not going to try anything.

"Everyone else, be ready," Shepard ordered. "Once I talk to Tali and get more information from Liara, we'll put a plan in place. Joker, chart a course for Rannoch."

Kaya followed everyone out of the room, getting caught in a bit of jam at the security scanner.  _What exactly is the point of this, anyway?_ Once through, she made her way up to the cockpit. The airlock door still managed to make her flinch, as she vividly remembered the gunfight there just a few short days ago. Kaya quickly skirted past it and was relieved when the cockpit sealed behind her.

"We could sneak off," Joker offered as she took a seat next to him. "Get you some good cloaking, maybe."

"No. Shepard's right," Kaya groaned, hating to admit it. "As stir crazy as I'm starting to get, if there was ever a mission where I should stay on the ship, it's this one."

"Unless this ends up being like the last Cerberus trap," Joker said.

Kaya looked, instinctively, back toward the cockpit door. She felt Joker's pang of regret at having mentioned it, and his guilt only made her feel worse.

"Well, then I'll just have to save your ass again," she said, trying to break the tension. When it did not work, she asked awkwardly, "So, how long to Rannoch?"

"We're not far. Twelve hours or so," Joker said.

"Right. Well, James just beat the crap out of me. Hand-to-hand combat training. Shepard's orders," she explained, as Joker wavered between confusion and righteous indignation. She was tempted to smirk at his concern. "So, I'm just going to take a nap. You mind if I stay up here?"

"Do you snore?"

"No," she scoffed.

_Yes. Like a bear, according to every roommate ever. Shouldn't happen if I'm sitting up, though._

"Mi casa es su casa," Joker said, waving his hand around the cockpit.

"Sweet," she sighed, tucking her legs under her and arranging her dress into a decent position. She curled up facing him, wondering if this would work. Maybe being around someone else would keep the nightmares away. "G'night."

* * *

 

Kaya was snoring. Loudly. What a little liar. She had not been sleeping the entire twelve hours, but her time up in the cockpit had been a rotation of naps (complete with thunderous snoring), getting food from the mess, and annoying Joker with questions about mass effect fields. At least she brought food up for him every time she returned from the crew deck.

They had just hit the last relay a few minutes prior, and Joker reached over to poke Kaya lightly with a spoon. She muttered something and curled into a ball, barely out of his reach. So, Joker tried her comm instead.

"Hey, sunshine. You wanted me to wake you before we hit atmo."

Kaya jumped at the voice in her head and snapped her eyes awake. She turned to glare at him, and he gave a little non-apologetic shrug before turning back to his console.

"Was that really necessary?"

"I'm a cripple, remember? Getting out of this chair–"

"Is totally within the realm of possibility," Kaya muttered. She wiped the sleep from her eyes and stretched, and it took a hell of a lot of Joker's concentration not to stare. "How far out are we?"

"Look out the window."

Kaya leaned forward in her chair. Rannoch was looming ahead, growing closer as they made their way through the Quarian fleet.

"S.S.V. Normandy, you have been granted docking clearance. Coordinates are being uploaded to you now," a slightly synthetic voice said over the radio.

"Roger that, Command. S.S.V. Normandy heading to docking coordinates now."

Kaya stood on her chair and braced herself with one arm against the console. She was craning her neck to look out the window, watching the various ships of the fleet float past.

Joker shook his head and laughed a little. "You'd think this was the first time you'd ever seen a ship before."

"Oh, come on. You're going to sit there and tell me that–" She gestured out the window with an open palm. "You're going to tell me  _that_ isn't freaking cool? It's a flotilla of damn spaceships. And, oh yeah, there's just a garden world casually hanging out in the background."

"Also known as a standard day as an Alliance helmsman," Joker said, tasking the V.I. with fully decrypting the Quarian coordinates that had just finished forwarding.

"That's bullshit," Kaya said, never turning away from the window. "And, if you're telling the truth, then that's just sad."

"Sad? If I wet my pants every time we hit a garden world–"

"You would have a normal sense of wonder and amazement at the concept of sentient life off Earth," Kaya interrupted.

Joker opened his mouth but promptly closed it. There was no point in arguing with her. The coordinates finished decrypting, and the Normandy hit Rannoch's atmosphere. Kaya was still standing on the chair, watching the fiery air go past.

"I'm pretty sure that's against regulation," Joker said casually.

It was not like they were going to hit turbulence that overcame the inertial dampeners. Not with him at the helm. Although Joker would feel  _particularly_ guilty if Kaya fell and broke something.

"Well, don't fuck up, and I won't have to blame you for a broken leg," Kaya shot back, standing on her tip toes now.

"It  _would_ be fair payback." – He saw her flinch out of the corner of his eye. – "I was just kidding. I didn't mean–"

"Yeah, I know. Me breaking four of your ribs is just a joke to you," she said darkly.

He was going to explain further, but they were breaking out of the stratosphere. Joker entered a slight course correction as they headed toward the docking coordinates. Their search for Cerberus had led the Normandy to Rannoch's main city, Narieh. Well, calling it a city at the moment was a misnomer. It was a small settlement, still in the early stages of creation. But, Joker spotted some finished buildings that had not been there last time the Normandy visited Tali six months ago.

Joker shook his head as Kaya watched with unabated interest. _Come on. You've seen_ buildings _before._ He brought them in for a smooth docking, and Shepard started rallying the team over the comm as the clamps came down. Joker leaned back in his chair, giving the Normandy an appreciative pat on the console, and looked over just in time to see Kaya wiping at her eyes.

She noticed his worried gaze and shook her head angrily. "Sorry. It's just–" She leaned her forehead against the glass. "The desert. I lived in the desert for a little bit, when I was a kid. Before my parents split. My mom was doing work with the Indian Health Service. Rannoch – it looks like the Mojave, right down to the plants and the rock formations. The color of the sand. I wasn't expecting that."

"You okay?" he asked softly.

Should he get up? Put a hand on her shoulder? That was what people did, right?

Kaya turned away from him before Joker could come to a decision, just as the cockpit door opened. Joker swung his chair around in time to see the Commander – Major, whatever – raise an eyebrow at Kaya's precarious position standing on one arm of the copilot's chair.

Shepard then crossed her arms, looking quite serious, and said tersely, "We'll be back soon. Keep her safe, Joker."

Joker wasn't sure which "her" Shepard was referring to, but there was an undeniable undercurrent to her words.  _Don't leave the damn ship, Kaya Cole._ Shepard left just as quickly as she entered, and Joker turned to Kaya.

"So, that was kind of scary," he said. The unjustified venom in Shepard's voice made Joker think he had missed something.

Kaya shook her head but smiled. "She thinks I'm going stir crazy. She thinks that's what this," – She bounced demonstratively on the balls of her feet. – "Is about. I mean, I  _am_ going stir crazy and I  _am_ tempted to jump ship, but–"

"Shepard just made it pretty clear that she would murder you in your sleep," Joker finished.

* * *

 

Hours later, the skeleton crew left on the Normandy had only heard the occasional update from the ground team.  _Most_ of the crew had gotten a few hours shore leave in Narieh. There was only a small team making some routine repairs, along with a few marines who had been denied shore leave to protect the ship. To protect Kaya. She could not help feeling guilty.

Joker, however, was not on the roster of servicemen required to stay behind. Still, he said something about "having seen Rannoch plenty of times before" and insisted on hanging out with Kaya. So, the duo was down on the crew deck, as Kaya made them a couple of omelets with bacon – or something resembling bacon, anyway – and hash browns. It was total overkill. She was not even hungry. But Kaya was  _bored._ She thought about asking Joker why he was still aboard the Normandy, just to get into a pointless spat. But, they had enough of those already in the past twenty four hours.

Kaya and Joker just finished eating when they  _finally_ heard something substantial from Shepard. And, of course, it was not good news. That was not the sort of luck one had aboard the Normandy until your back was against the wall. And the galaxy was about to end.

"Joker, we need your help," Shepard's voice said in Kaya's ear.

Kaya looked at him from across the table with a raised eyebrow, surprised that Shepard was considerate enough to include her in the conversation.

"Little boshtet," a woman's high but gravely voice came over the comm. "Keelah, even  _I_ can't break through this encryption."

"What's going on there, Tali?" Joker asked with a smile.

"Joker? Ah, it's good to hear from you. Shepard said you were staying on the ship to–"

"Reunions later," Shepard cut her off. "Right now our source has just locked himself in a damn cell, and he's jamming extranet access. I need you to find some schematics of the building we're in, Joker. See if you can find a way around."

"Roger that," Joker said. Kaya followed him back up to the C.I.C., not bothering to clear the dishes from the table. At least there was  _something_ mildly exciting going on.

In front of one of the central console's screens, Joker was almost as adept as when he was flying the ship. Kaya looked on as he located a floor plan in a tenth of the time it would have taken her. Kaya was far from a dunce when it came to tech, but there had been a steep learning curve for adjusting to Omni-tools, holographic consoles, and the unintuitive design of the Citadel extranet.

There was an unspoken tension in Joker's shoulders that snapped her back to reality. As he searched for an alternate route, his mind went to the artificial intelligence he had once been in love with.

_"EDI should be doing this."_

Kaya felt her neck grow hot, and she turned away from watching him. Joker never talked about EDI out loud, and he often repressed his very thoughts of her. Hearing him ruminate on her absence felt uncomfortably invasive.

Suddenly, Joker took in a sharp, nervous breath. "Sorry, Shepard. The vent's too small for anyone to crawl through. Even Tali. And that room the scientist locked himself in is  _tiny._ You attempt to blast it, and you'll just have a squished quarian."

"Crap. Any ideas?" Shepard asked her team.

"Major," Kaya said carefully, as Joker shot her a curious but cautious look. "I might have one. You won't like it, though."

* * *

 

As Kaya arrived at the lock door, still cloaked and flanked by Kaidan and James, she could see the glaring disapproval in Shepard's eyes. Kaya felt the boys share a look behind her. But, it was hard to feel truly admonished with solid ground beneath her feet. Everything felt so still and quiet, without the constant hum of the Normandy's engines. It was disorienting at first, but now Kaya just felt a little bouncy. The air smelled so good. It was sweet and dry, the smell of desert stone and something very similar to mesquite coming in with every gust of wind.

She was smiling cheerfully as she removed the cloaking from her armor, refusing to let Shepard's unease take her down. Then, Kaya approached the door and felt the wind knocked out of her.

"What the hell did you do to him?" she hissed. Kaya had not meant for her tone to sound so accusatory, but there were waves of emotion coming from the other side of the red Holo-lock.

_Fear. Self-loathing. Anger._

"He was fine," Shepard said tersely. "Then we asked about Marcus, and he freaked out. Ran in there."

Kaya's brow furrowed and she pressed her gloved hand reluctantly to the door. She had to close her eyes and really concentrate, letting the rest of the world fall away behind her. It was difficult enough to clearly read the mind of another species – Garrus was something of a challenge, though she would never tell him – but a whole  _new_ alien, terrified and traumatized, was a different game entirely.

"His thoughts are racing too fast for me to pick up anything solid, but he's scared. Just not of you," she said. "Of Marcus. Of the past. Whatever happened left some serious scars."

Kaya knew the feeling surging through her all too well, and it threatened to make her throw up her dinner. It appeared the characteristics of a P.T.S.D. episode crossed the species barrier. The images were flashing by too fast to read, but the few Kaya caught were deeply disturbing.

_Husks._

"These experiments that our contact and Marcus worked on together," Kaya said in a low voice. "When did they happen?"

"Around the time of humanity's first contact war," Liara supplied. "Why?"

"That can't be right," Kaya muttered to herself. But the images were clear, and the scientist was definitely connecting them to his experiments two decades ago. "The first husks were on Eden Prime, right? No one had ever seen them before that?"

The entire team eyed Kaya warily, but no one uttered a response.

"The Cerberus involvement is beginning to make more sense. I think I understand how they knew about Indigo." Kaya pulled away from the door and took a deep breath. Shepard opened her mouth to ask what the hell Kaya was talking about, but Kaya turned to Tali instead. "What's his name?"

Tali'Zorah was startled at being addressed by this strange young woman, but she answered, "Nin'Toak."

Kaya turned back to the door. "Mr. Toak?" Okay, that was  _probably_ not the proper syntax. "My name is Kaya Cole. I know what happened after the war. I want to help make it right."

There was no response. Nin'Toak had not even heard her through his adrenaline-fueled nightmares. Well, there was one more thing she could try, before resorting to  _that._

_"Nin'Toak? My name is Kaya. You can – well, you can hear what I can do,"_ she projected, just like with Shepard on Omega.  _"Please, we need your help. Someone is coming after me. Coming after other kids like me. I think you know who, and I think you can help stop them."_

Kaya opened her eyes, still looking back at the angry red glare of the locked door. Kaidan placed a hand on her shoulder, "You okay?"

Kaya nodded, about to explain what she was attempting, just as the holo-lock turned green. As it opened, Kaya saw the quarian on the other side wore a dark green suit. The facial shield of his helmet was almost black, although it did not hide anything from Kaya. He carried himself very carefully, as if he was much older than a pilgrimage twenty years ago would suggest. Kaya understood. That kind of mental trauma wore a person down. Hell, Kaya was twenty five, and the hair of her temples was already graying. A permanent wrinkle was forming between her brows.

At least her future patients might stop making Neil Patrick Harris jokes.

"I will help you, Kaya Cole Vas Normandy," Nin'Toak said slowly, the blue light at his filter blinking with every word. "I will help set this right."


	18. Temple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note: fairly major spoilers for Mass Effect: Evolution are included in this chapter.

The team regrouped at Tali's home. It was a massive manor, complete with ten bedrooms and a beautiful, open central living space. The vaulted ceilings and pristine white walls reminded Kaya of a house her mother had owned while Kaya was in college, although her mother had not put a large reflecting pool in the middle of the living room. Her mother never would have put up so many colorful paintings, either. Apparently when the Quarians regained their home world, they did it with style. All of the space made Kaya's whole body ache, knowing she would have to head back to the confined holds of the Normandy soon enough.

Tali and Liara poured everyone some wine as they settled in. Kaya was amazed at the audacity of it. Sure, a nice red to go with abedtime story of zombies and immoral experimentation made total sense.Kaya was never  _really_ going to get used to the strange behaviors of the Normandy crew. Instead, she sat on a dark wooden bench in a corner, her entire body tensed up. Joker was sitting right next to her, his leg lightly touching hers in a reassuring way. Once it appeared that their Rannoch intelligence was not, in fact, a trap, the Normandy's pilot came from the ship to join the macabre party. Kaya was immensely grateful. The physical contact made everything a little easier. It turned out that Joker was a lot more observant and considerate than he let on.

Of course, their respective postures were also leading Tali to shoot furtive glances in their direction every thirty seconds.

Nin'Toak was the only other person in the room who matched Kaya's anxiety. He stood quietly in the corner, having asked for some time alone to compose himself. When Kaya assured Shepard that the quarian scientist posed no threat, Shepard had reluctantly agreed. Toak's thoughts were still racing, intruding in on Kaya's own stream of thought, but the pure panic was mercifully replaced by a sense of determination. The quarian had a need for justice and retribution. Nin'Toak might be a little mentally unstable, but Kaya thought she was going to get on with him just fine.

"It really is beautiful, Tali," Kaidan said across the room, taking a glass from her. "I'm glad we got to finally see the finished product."

"You should stay for the night. If you can. If you want to," Tali amended quickly. Kaya found her nervous, almost schoolgirl-like attitude around the crew greatly at odds with all the stories. Where was the badass tech expert with a mean shotgun?

"Shepard," Kaya called out lightly, "Don't make me beg." A night on a real planet, with a real bed, sounded like absolute heaven.

Tali tilted her head at Kaya's request, leading Joker to explain, "Kaya's been stuck ship-side for a week. Too much of a security risk to let her past the airlock."

"Quite right," Nin'Toak interjected suddenly. "In the wrong hands – the implications are frightening."

"We know," Shepard said. "Of course, that hasn't stopped her from asking every five–" 

"Stop," Kaya interrupted Shepard's wild over-exaggeration in a terse voice. "I'm the one who got strapped to a fucking chair and tortured, okay? I'm the one who made a whole ship commit suicide. I know the risks."

_Fuck. What the hell was that about?_

Living through Nin'Toak's traumatic episode apparently left Kaya with heightened adrenaline levels and no verbal filter. When the stunned and concerned silence her comment left in its wake became too overbearing, Kaya stood and headed for the patio. Joker was not far behind, but he kept his distance as Kaya tried to regain control of her breathing.

She had lied to Joker that morning, about being okay. Sure, her latest nightmare had been relatively mild, but it had still been a bad night. The nightmares were getting worse, and Nin'Toak's own recollections now clashed with all the other horrors inside her head. Kaya was afraid of asking Karin for more sedatives, though. Doctor-patient confidentiality did not apply the same way on a military ship. Kaya did not know which she was more afraid of: Shepard finding out about her P.T.S.D. or Shepard learning just how intimately Kaya knew the major's worst secrets.

_She was on Mindoir. A scared sixteen-year-old ran through the woods, spattered with blood that wasn't her own. Tears ran black down her face. She tripped, fell, got up. Kept running with a sprained ankle, the edges of her vision going black with pain._

_There were worse things than dying._

_She was at the docks outside the Normandy. The old ones, before Sovereign attacked. A scared girl with a gun was yelling at her to stay back. Shepard stepped carefully toward her, and the freed slave pulled the trigger against her own temple._

_She was waking up in a field hospital in London. Everything hurt. The Reapers were dead, but they had lost contact with the whole damn fleet. The Normandy was gone. Her friends. Her crew. Garrus–_

Kaya did not even realize Joker had taken hold of her shoulders until he started shaking her. She swatted his hands away angrily, and she could feel the tears falling down her face. This, too, was happening more and more. How long was she gone in another person's memories this time? She was losing touch with reality, even during her waking hours. These visions were seldom as vivid as her nightmares, but they were somehow more unsettling.

Kaya could feel Joker's worry and fear. She could even feel the twinge of anger at Kaya's attempt to shut him out. She took a deep breath and grabbed one of his hands in both of hers, surprised at the ridiculous shot of excitement that went up her arms at the gesture. Now, of all times, she had to be a lovesick little schoolgirl. The duo stood like that, Kaya holding tightly onto his hand but unable to look in his eyes, for a long time. She stared out at the valley instead, red and gold and beautiful under a Rannoch sunset.

"Keelah Se'lai," she whispered, so softly Joker probably did not hear. "Let's get this over with."

She walked back toward the house, still holding Joker's hand. However, they had enough to deal with without the whole damn crew deciding they were an item, so Kaya let go before they stepped back inside. As they walked through the door, all eyes were watching Kaya wearily.

Kaya turned to Nin'Toak and asked softly, "Do you think you're ready to tell us about Marcus? About Project Indigo?"

He nodded and delved into his explanation. "If there's one things the Turians have kept exceptionally well hidden, it's their own long history with Reaper tech."

Kaya watched Garrus tense up as Nin'Toak described what really happened at Temple Palaven, decades ago. He told the team about the Arca Monolith – a reaper artifact that created husk-like servants out of Turians. The Turians thought the powerful creatures were somehow touched by the gods. General Arterius, brother of Saren, convinced the whole damn city that the monolith created holy priests. When Saren realized the insidious truth, he bombed the temple, killing his brother and destroying the monolith.

Even the young Illusive Man – a mercenary at the time – was able to see the horror behind the Reaper technology. At least, he had been able to see it back then. It was the Council that researched the incident and realized the enormous military potential. They found something that could _control_ people, making them act against their very survival instinct. And they pursued it ruthlessly. They hired Dr. Marcus, one of the most power-hungry bastards Nin'Toak had ever known.

It had started out as a fascinating project, an attempt to understand what really happened at the temple. At least, that was what it seemed to the young quarian on his pilgrimage. The project turned into something much darker before Nin'Toak realized what he had gotten involved with. Someone on the team uncovered data about Project Indigo, long defunct. That data proved to Marcus that it was possible for humanoids to harness the power of the Arca Monolith. They could touch the mind of another being from across the room. If that previously impossible task was real, what else could be achieved? What kind of armies could be raised?

Nin'Toak had followed his mentor, focused on strategies for gathering intelligence or coordinating Fleet movements. Telepathic technology could have a massive impact on society at large, beyond its military implications. He had not seen the worst of the experiments until it was too late. And what he did see – the images flashing through Kaya's mind brought up the Sanctuary nightmare.

The quarian scientist planted a bomb in the center of the lab, and Nin'Toak turned the whole damn place into a crater. Somehow, though, Marcus survived. He escaped. And, not knowing that it was Toak who set the bomb, Marcus tried to recruit him when the Magellan was discovered.

"I heard he killed himself on Omega," Nin'Toak said quietly, turning to Kaya with a knowing look. "Thank you."

The silence that filled the room as Nin'Toak fell quiet felt empty, despite all of the minds turning. Kaya felt nauseous as the details of Marcus's plan – of the _Council's_ plan – fell into place. Had that been her government's ultimate goal, too? What about the Alliance, now? The faction that scared Admiral Hackett? Did they all want to turn her into a weapon, capable of controlling a damned army? Or forcing an assassination that looked like a perfect suicide?

At some point, Joker had started squeezing her hand so hard it hurt. Kaya squeezed back now, unwilling to let go.

"Jack, Marcus went to join the Illusive Man sometime later. He was at Pragia," Kaya said, remembering some details that Nin'Toak had not vocalized. "So were some of the scientists that – well, that were on Omega."

"A rogue cell," Nin'Toak confirmed, confusion in his voice. However, when Toak realized what Kaya was doing, he was awed at her abilities. His academic interest, given his past history, was more than a little unsettling. "Originally cast off by the Illusive Man, although I suspect they entered back into his good graces. At the end. I saw the reports on Horizon – it looked very familiar. Anyway, I do not know who was pulling the strings this time around, but it was not Marcus. _Someone_ is still out there. I have been trying to locate them with little success. But it is apparent they will go through hell – even the Normandy – to get to you."

"Why didn't you try to contact us?" Shepard growled.

"I did!" he insisted, throwing his hands out in defense. "I planted information for the Shadow Broker's contact in Narieh. I'd heard you two have a working agreement."

"No wonder this felt like trap," Liara said quietly. "It was. In a way." 

Shepard glanced at Kaya, to confirm that Nin'Toak was being honest. Kaya nodded an affirmation. 

"I wish I could provide you more information," Nin'Toak added. "I would very much like to see this put to rest."

Shepard sighed in a resigned way, although the anger in her voice had not entirely dissipated. "You still managed to fill in some blanks. It's more than we had this morning."

* * *

The Normandy crew never ceased to amaze Kaya. After Nin'Toak left, they proceded to have something that looked suspiciously like a party. Kaidan and Vega even doubled back to the ship for some levo-rotation food and more alcohol. Tali put on some music unlike anything Kaya had ever heard. It was not _bad_ per se. Just jarring.

For the first hour, Kaya and Joker sat on the couch, drinks in hand, talking to Kaidan and Liara. Kaya had not spent as much time as she would like with the asari, but Liara was always busy. The job of a Shadow Broker was never done, apparently. It was admittedly nice, just sitting and chatting. Liara told her about Thessia, answering all of the surely annoying questions Kaya had about Asari culture. She was about to ask what _exactly_ was up with the whole mind-meld thing, when a slightly drunken Shepard pulled Kaidan away to dance. _That_ was a sight.

Not willing to be outdone, Liara held out a hand to Joker. "Sorry, Kaya, but it seems my usual dance partner has been taken."

"Oh, hell no," Joker said. "I think I'll just stay here. Where the risk of shattering a hip is much lower."

Kaya nudged Joker playfully with her shoulder. "Oh, come on. It's rude to turn a lady down for a dance. What? Are you a worse dancer than Shepard or something?"

"I heard that!" Shepard called out from the impromptu dance floor, where Jack, Garrus, and Vega had joined in. Tali pulled up her Omni-tool and was cranking up the music. It's synthetic beats started vibrating through Kaya's chest.

Kaya would not let up. "Oh my god. You _can't_ dance, can you?"

"You know what? Fine," he said, letting Liara help him up. He shot Kaya a reproachful look as she watched on from a safe distance over the edge of her glass.

"I think they really needed this," Tali'Zorah's voice rang next to her as the quarian sat down. 

"They'd never admit it. But, yeah. Thanks for having us over. You know, they were all really excited when they found out we would be coming here. To Rannoch. They miss you," Kaya said, having to raise her voice to be heard. Tali's expression was unreadable under her helmet, but Kaya detected concern. "Not, like, a bad missing you. They understand why you're here, Tali. They accept it. Hell, they love that you have a homeworld. They just miss you. There are a lot of empty spaces on the Normandy."

"Thank you, Kaya," Tali said, taking a sip of her drink through a straw. "But, I decided to come along with you guys for a while. Whatever this is, it's big. And I'm on vacation, anyway. Might as well put it to good use."

Kaya raised an eyebrow at that, but she decided not to argue. It was not like she really knew Tali'Zorah, no matter how many foreign memories of the quarian she had. Instead, Kaya turned her attention back to the dance floor for a moment. No. She was right. Joker's dancing really was only marginally better than Shepard's. It was kind of adorable.

"So," Tali said, and Kaya snapped her head back. She opened her mouth to interrupt what was about to be said, but she could not get her throat to cooperate quickly enough. "Joker, huh? He deserves a little happiness. He's a good friend. And, if you do something that hurts him, remember that I have a shotgun."

_Well, that escalated quickly._ Kaya felt the heat rising to her cheeks. "It's not – we're not – aw, screw it." She downed the rest of her drink and said, "If I hurt him, I suspect you'd have to get in line."

* * *

Kaya sat up in bed with a gasp, and she placed a hand to her chest as she tried to get her breathing to a normal rate. The sound of James screaming with frustration on Fehl Prime was still ringing in her ears. She looked out the window, to a purple night over the desert, and tried to take some solace in the beauty of the unfamiliar stars overhead. But, Kaya could not stop shaking. She threw on the top of her under armor, too lazy to wear the pants, and pulled the blanket around her shoulders.

Kaya had hoped that having a real bed would help her sleep better, but it only seemed to make her more restless. It had been only two hours since the team called it a night, but four different nightmares had already awaken her. She finally gave up on the idea of sleep and headed out the door into the silent hallway, checking carefully that no one was up. The dark house was still, so Kaya tiptoed quietly into the kitchen. Maybe she could grab a glass of wine and read up on mass effect fields.

She was doing just that when Joker entered the living room, shirtless and illuminated by the orange glow of her Omni-tool. _Son of a bitch._ He froze in the hall at the sight of Kaya curled up on the couch, and Kaya hastily covered her bare legs with Tali's blanket.

"Couldn't sleep either?" he said.

Kaya shook her head, powering down her Omni-tool. It look a few seconds for her eyes to readjust to the dark, but Joker crossed the space between them in that time. She jumped as he took a seat next to her, almost spilling her wine in surprise.

"Guess that's what happens when you spend all day snoring in my cockpit." 

" _You_ try training for hours with Jack and Vega, and see whether you're capable of keeping your eyes open," she shot back. "I swear, those two aren't human. Wait – why are you up?" 

He shrugged. "It's been a long time since I slept outside of crew quarters, I guess. It's too quiet." 

Kaya nodded, taking a sip of her wine. Joker raised an eyebrow with a slight smirk, and she rolled her eyes. "Benefits of having an overcharged biotic implant. No hangovers. And don't start on me about self-medicating, because, well, I know. Okay?"

"What happened earlier, when you lashed out–"

"I don't want to talk–" Kaya snapped, but she pulled herself back. "I'm sorry. Look, being inside Nin'Toak's head was rough. The guy was pretty fucking traumatized by the experiments he saw, and he never got help. And I–"

"Could see them just as clearly," Joker said knowingly, when Kaya was unable to continue. "And you connected it back to Mars. You can't blame yourself–"

"I know that," she said tersely. Joker made to interrupt her, and she raised her free hand. "No. I really _do_ know that, Joker. I didn't do anything wrong, except maybe agreeing to take the mission in the first place. My identity got compromised. We still don't know how. But, it's not my fault that no one else was able to get boots on the ground. I know that. It's just that – well, guilt isn't always a rational thing."

He placed a hand on her shoulder, and Kaya almost laughed at the jolt of inappropriate giddiness. _Seriously? Again?_ She reached across her chest and placed her hand over his.

"And what happened after," Joker said cautiously. "On the patio. What was that?"

Kaya chewed on her bottom lip and looked Joker straight in the eyes. "Traumatic episode. A flashback."

"You–"

"Have post-traumatic stress disorder," she said, voice down to a whisper. Kaya was shocked to hear herself admit it. She had dealt with the disorder for half of her life, but it was not something she liked to admit to. "Usually it just manifests in night terrors. But, sometimes I'm _there._ My brain goes somewhere else in the middle of the day, and I can't stop it. No matter how hard I try. It feels so real. Sometimes, I can't even convince myself that it's not."

When had she started crying? Kaya's voice was still level, but the tears spilled over. Joker set her wine glass down on the floor, and Kaya found herself pulled into an unexpected hug. His bare skin was warm, and his body was stronger than she would expect. His beard tickled against her neck, and Kaya realized her _dream_ last week left that detail out.

Kaya was still holding him tightly as she asked, "Can I ask a question that ventures into less serious territory?"

He nodded and made a small noise of assent, his neck vibrating against her cheek. "What – what exactly is going on between us? I don't like playing games when it comes to stuff like this, and if there's something here–"

"You're the psychic," he said, pulling away to look her in the eye. He held her by the shoulders, and her hands were still at his sides.

Something about his gaze made Kaya want to squirm away and shut the hell up, but she pressed on calmly. "No. I have a rule when it comes to relationships. Any kind of relationship. I go based on what people say and what they do. What people think is a whole other ball game. Unless they're lying about something serious."

"That can't actually work," Joker chided. "You still always _know_ what I'm thinking."

"People think a lot of things. Some things they don't really even believe. Some things they do, but they would never actually act on it. It's not a road I go down."

Joker studied her carefully. He was right, she could not help hearing his line of thought. _"First, an all-knowing A.I. Then a psychic who won't actually use her powers to see that yes, damn it, I like her. A lot. But I suck at this. And if she would just kiss me or something, we could move things along. What the hell is wrong with me?"_

Kaya could not help it. Her eyebrows shot up. Sure, that dream last week was not the first or last time Joker thought about the two of them sleeping together. But, Kaya was used to that. Thinking that way was human nature. Asari nature, too, if Liara was anything to go by. But this – Joker's thoughts now were different. They were softer, not instinctive or sexual. He wanted to kiss her because of what it would mean, not how it would feel.

So she broke her one rule.

He reeled backward a bit under the pressure of her lips. Kaya wondered for a moment if she was mistaken. Maybe he didn't _actually_ want this. People really did have errant thoughts. What if she misread? What if she totally screwed up a good friendship in the making?

And then, Jeff Moreau started kissing her back. His movements were gentle, first. Exploratory. Kaya pushed her fingers up through his hair, and he held her tightly about the waist. She hooked a leg over his lap, and his kisses became more urgent. It had been years, even without counting her cryostasis, since Kaya kissed anyone. Medical school and secret agent missions left little time for any romance.

Kaya had forgotten how _good_ it felt.

 


	19. Targets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know it's been ages since this story was updated, and I do apologize. I'm currently in my last semester of grad school, and getting all of my research wrapped up before graduation is kicking my ass. This week/weekend should be a bit calmer, so I can hopefully get a few chapters up.

Joker woke up under a blue sky for the first time in a very long while. Sunlight was streaming in through the large window that took up most of the bedroom wall. For a moment, he was certain he was still dreaming. The surreal feeling of the morning was only added to by the sensation of his arms wrapped around Kaya's stomach, her skin warm underneath her shirt. But the events of the prior night came flooding back with near perfect detail, and Joker smiled.

Yes, he was a little hung over, but Kaya was cradled in his arms. He came out ahead on the events of the previous night. Her stomach moved slightly under his fingers with her steady, slow breathing, and Joker found himself hoping that it was only the early hours of the morning. Maybe Shepard would let everyone sleep in, and–

"You want eggs, Lola?"

Damn. They were already awake. And the sun was high overhead. And Joker really had to take a piss.

"Damn," he muttered aloud, carefully moving his arm out from under her head. Kaya stirred slightly but did not wake as she rolled onto her back. Joker went to throw on a shirt, before he remembered that it was back in the other bedroom. He shrugged and decided not to give a damn. Most of the people in the house had seen him in varying states of undress, either after breaking a few ribs or in the showers. Hopefully they would not realize _why_ he was missing his shirt. 

He pulled the covers up to Kaya's chin and planted a light kiss on her forehead, allowing himself the ridiculously happy feeling that the gesture inspired. Then, Joker made a beeline for the bathroom. Liara stumbled out the door, looking a little worse for the wear herself, and stepped around him with a muttered greeting. Things had gotten just a _little_ out of hand last night after the music was turned up. Hell, Liara and Kaya had convinced Joker to _dance._

Not, given the end result, that it was a bad thing.

Bladder mercifully empty, Joker headed for the kitchen next. Vega could be a pain-in-the-ass jarhead sometimes, but he did make some mean eggs. As he reached Tali's kitchen, Joker realized that _everyone_ else was up. He hoped no one would pay too much attention to the fact that Joker and Kaya were the last to wake.

"Morning, sunshine," Tali said playfully, and Joker remembered he had not bothered to look in a mirror. He ran his hands through his hair to get rid of some of the bedhead. "Rough night?"

"What the hell was in that drink you were serving, Liara?" Joker groaned, remembering the blue liquid he had imbibed far too much of.

"Old asari recipe," Liara said, grabbing for some tea. "Well, not really. But, it's a human drink that comes close. James, what did you call it?" 

"An A.M.F.," he snorted. " _Adios motherfucker._ Ironically enough, they're sometimes called Papa Smurfs." The humans in the room tittered, earning bemused looks from everyone else. "Yeah, you wouldn't get it, anyway. Joker, you want some eggs?"

"Sounds good, man. Thanks," Joker said. So far, so good. Nobody seemed to have noticed that he exited the wrong bedroom earlier. "So, what's our next move? Did anything Nin'Toak say actually give us a lead?"

He was looking at Shepard, but it was Tali who answered. "Liara's looking into it." Her voice was far too sing-song for the topic at hand. Joker felt the dread ball in his stomach seconds before she continued, "So, I thought you were sleeping in a room off the _other_ hall."

Joker felt the heat rise to his face. _God damn it, Tali._ He said nothing and walked over to pour two cups of coffee. Kaya liked hers totally black, as long as the coffee was good. And this smelled pretty good. Joker realized Shepard must have been hoarding her own private reserve. Again. It was the only explanation for Tali having a good levo-amino acid brew.

"Told you," Liara said, gesturing at Jack with her cup of tea. "Two hundred credits. Pay up."

Jack and Joker groaned at the same time. "You _bet_ on us?"

"I think Chakwas won the pool," Shepard laughed. "I had figured it would take you a few more days to man up."

"You _bet_ on us," he repeated, aghast as he turned around. "I hate you all."

"You love us," Tali said, bumping Joker playfully with her hip.

"Looks like the number of single followers of the 'Cult of Shepard' is getting smaller, huh, Tali?" James said.

Joker chuckled with relief and amusement as Tali shrank away into the corner. "About that–"

"Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy!" Kaidan scolded.

"I thought Liara would tell you!" she shot back, as Shepard giggled.  _Giggled._

Apparently a few of them knew about Tali's new beau. At first, Joker was honestly a little annoyed that he was not among that group. It soon became apparent, however, that Tali just told the girls. Minus Jack. And teasing Tali was a welcome distraction from where the conversation had been heading a minute ago.

"Well, where is this mystery man?" Vega accused. "Why didn't you invite him over last night?"

"Would _you_ want to introduce a hypothetical girlfriend to all of this?" Tali asked sardonically, gesturing around the kitchen. "To all of you? In one go?" 

"Oh, I think he could handle it," Liara said thoughtfully. She went on to explain, "We already met him. Don’t worry. He got the Shepard stamp of approval."

"Oh god. Don't tell _him_ that. I wouldn't hear the end of it for weeks," Tali giggled. "Speaking of which, does this Dr. Cole have the _Shepard stamp of approval?_ "

_And, we're back to this. I hate you, Tali'Zorah._

"Jury's still out," Shepard said, causing Joker to look up with her in alarm.

"What the hell do you mean _the jury's still out_?" he asked, genuinely affronted when he realized Shepard was being serious.

"She's a nice girl, and I'm happy for you," Shepard said with a shrug. "But we still don't know much about her. Plus, she kind of creeps me out." 

_Okay, fair point. But still–_

"Aw, come on, Lola. You're being too hard on her. She's one hell of a fighter. I mean, she can't throw a punch for shit. Yet. We're working on it. But, she's got spirit."

_Damn, Vega. Making me breakfast and defending my girlfriend. Wait–_

"Muscles over here is right," Jack said, interrupting Joker's musing on the word _girlfriend._ "Her biotics are impressive, but it's nothing compared to her backbone. Kid doesn't quit. I was pushing her pretty hard, too. Hell, I expected her to give up. That was kind of the point."

"Yeah, about that," Joker started, pointing a finger at her. "Back off. Both of you. She's covered in bruises and sleeps twelve hours a day."

The tension of the moment was broken by Tali asking, "How do _you_ know she's covered in bruises, Joker?"

There were chuckles around the room, just as Kaya entered the open living space. This time around, she had thought to put on pants. But, Joker could see one of the aforementioned bruises on her shoulder peeking out from under the collar of her shirt. She stopped in her tracks and eyed the room warily. Kaya must have _sensed_ what they were talking about a moment prior, because she immediately turned on her heel.

"Right. Going back to bed," she said, making a beeline for anywhere but the kitchen. She was muttering something about "damn nosy soldiers."

Shepard snickered and called after her, "We're leaving in one hour, Kaya. You'd better be ready to go."

Joker took great pains to shoot everyone dirty looks. Then, he grabbed the extra mug of black coffee and caught up to Kaya.

"You're not helping," she said sullenly. Her tone, however, was cut by the sheepish smile she threw in his direction.

* * *

 

"Just exhale as you pull the trigger, and don't move. Brace yourself for the recoil, but not so tensely," Garrus said in a low, almost inaudible voice. "The rifle's an extension of you. Stop fighting it."

Kaya was lying on her stomach in the hangar bay, aiming at bottles sixty meters away. It had been four days since Rannoch, and the team was _finally_ on their way to that Krogan-Turian summit. Shepard ordered Kaya to start firearms training with Garrus in the meantime, and it was _not_ going well. Kaya tried to tell herself that she was just out of practice. After all, she fucking knew how to shoot. Cain had seen to that.

Then again, it was quite possible that Kaya just always sucked with long-range weaponry. She had not picked up a rifle since she was seventeen, after all. Pistols were her go-to, and now Kaya was remembering why.

She tried to relax and pulled the trigger again. The sniper rifle slammed into her shoulder, causing Kaya to bite down on her lip and draw blood. Her shoulder was still bruised from where Jack had unceremoniously dropped her during biotic training, and it was screaming painfully with every shot. 

Naturally, she missed. 

"Damn it, Garrus," Kaya growled. "I can't make that shot. I'm not good enough yet."

"Yes, you are," he said in a rough voice. _Broken glass, Shepard thinks. The nice kind, colorful and about to be turned into something whole by a hot fire. I disagree._ "You are good enough. Just stop doubting it." 

_"Damn,"_  Garrus's thoughts intruded into Kaya's mind, no matter how hard she tried to bat them away. _"Vega warned me about this, but damn."_

Kaya clenched her teeth, wishing she had not heard that. _Yeah, I'm a shitty soldier. It's been pointed out to me on more than one occasion. You might as well just say it, and I can go back to bed._ Kaya let a low growl build in her throat as she readjusted the rifle.

_"Huh. I didn't even know humans could make a noise like that."_

"Can we switch to something else? Just for a little while? I was doing okay with the pistol," Kaya pleaded.

_The pistol didn't make my shoulder feel ready to fall off._

Garrus shook his head pointed toward the bottles with a talon. "In close range, you don't need to be great with a pistol. Your biotics will cover it. Long range, though, you couldn't hit a krogan." 

She growled again and started lining up the shot, nesting the rifle into her shoulder. _Damn him._

_"She'll complain," Vega said. "She'll complain all damn day. I've never heard anybody whine so much. But, she also wont' back down from a challenge. That's how you get her."_

Kaya was going to have to pay Vega back for giving instruction advice to Garrus. Maybe she would "accidently" use her biotics again in combat training. Kaya took the shot.

Missed. Again.

"One of these days, Vakarian, I'm going to find something you're not very good at. And then I'm going to get payback," Kaya said, setting the rifle down for a moment to crack her knuckles in frustration. "We've been down here for _hours._ "

"I still stand by my old quota," Garrus said quietly next to her. "Hit five in a row, and we'll call it a day." 

"Hard ass son of a bitch," she muttered, picking back up the rifle.

"Is that any way to talk to a spectre, Lieutenant?"

"If you, Kaidan, and Shepard are any indication, then yes," Kaya shot back. She clenched her jaw in resolve and started lining up the next shot. "I'm not even really a damn soldier. Fucking assholes."

"I think you've been spending too much time with Jack," Garus mused. "Maybe Joker should reinstate the swear jar."

Exhale. Stay still. Pull the trigger. _Fuck. My fucking shoulder._ Missed. Again.

_"You still have forty more,"_ a foreign voice said in her head. This time, it was actually one of her memories calling out.

_Not now, Otosan_.

The memory came back vividly anyway, somehow even more stubbornly set against her wishes to forget.

_"Forty. Go."_  

_Kaya felt the softball against her palm, slightly wet from the dew on the grass. She lined up the laces under her fingers, feeling like her hands were too small. Whoever had decided girls should play with the bigger balls didn't have her vote. This damn game was originally designed for a bunch of drunk, old men. She brought her hands togther, the left one gloved, and her chest and rocked backward. Then Kaya was all muscle memory, bringing her arm into a windmill pitch and releasing it into the net. Bull's-eye._

_"Thirty nine. Don’t give up now. The Satos aren't quitters."_

_"I'm not a Sato, remember?"_

The bite with which eleven-year-old Kaya had spoken made the adult Kaya wince behind her rifle scope.

_"Japanese," her father reminded her, ignoring the insult._

_"Dad." She drew the word out in a long whine, but she still squared up at the look he was giving her._

_She wound up another pitch and found the target._

_"Thirty eight."_

"Seriously," Kaya growled, finally managing to force herself back into the present. She lined up another bottle in her crosshairs. "I am going to make you pay for this. I'm going to come up with something brilliant, too."

_"Stop overthinking it, Kaya-chan. Your body can do it. You just have to trust yourself."_  

The sound of a bottle breaking snapped Kaya awake. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Garrus flick his mandibles in an approving way.

"See? Stop doubting yourself, and you _can_ make that shot."

It was still another hour before Kaya made the fifth shot in a row. But, against her better judgment, Kaya did feel proud. Until she stood up and felt just how badly her shoulder was burning. Even Garrus felt bad when she ripped away the collar of her shirt to show the black and red bruises. Kaya had to stop by the med bay, earning far less sympathy from Chakwas than she expected, to get a cooling wrap.

"Aren't you supposed to be my doctor?" Kaya chided.

"I'm a military doctor, Kaya. If your shoulder's not dislocated, you're fine. You just need to train a bit more. Toughen yourself up."

"Ugh. _Don't_ tell Shepard that. I'm already spending every free minute of my life training. Next thing you know, she's gonna–"

"Add me to the list?" Kaidan called out from behind Kaya. He was lying on another bed in the medical bay, recovering from a particularly bad migraine. "Yeah, sorry. But Shepard thinks it would be good for you to get biotic training from different perspectives–"

"Kaidan Alenko, I swear to god I am going to throw you across the room. That's not funny." 

Kaidan smirked, and Kaya used her biotics to pick up a plastic cup of water on Chakwas's desk. She hurled it toward his head and missed, hitting the wall behind him. At least Kaidan was still splashed with a few ounces of ice-cold liquid, causing him to cry out in shock.

"Oh, I am so getting you back for that during training," he groaned, shutting his eyes against the dimmed lights of the medical bay.

"Wait – you – I thought you were kidding!"

"Nope. Oh-eight-hundred tomorrow morning. You. Me. Shuttle bay."

"Son of a bitch," Kaya groaned, hopping off the table.

"Sorry. Are we cutting into your time with Joker?" Kaidan teased. Kaya narrowed her eyes at him, but Kaidan's grin only grew wider. "I'm just messing with you, Kaya. Well, about the Joker thing. Not the training. That's still on."

"Kaidan," she whined, bouncing slightly on her feet in exasperation. 

"Hey, take it up with Shepard," he said, raising his hands defensively. "By the way, what exactly _is_ going on with you and Joker?"

"Goodbye, Major," Kaya groaned, turning on her heel and heading for the elevator.

She could still hear Kaidan's laughter ringing in her ears as the elevator door shut in front of her. She was not sure what to be more upset about: the ruthless training schedule, Garrus being an unrelenting asshole, or the fact that she was going to be teased _mercilessly_ for at least another week. Her only conciliation was the fact that Joker _had_ to be getting much worse treatment on that front.

_God damn military types. The fucking C.I.A. wasn't this bad with training, and the social scene here's like fucking high school._  

Kaya was still feeling particularly pissed off about everything when she stormed into the cockpit, sitting with a huff in the copilot's chair.

"Son of a bitch damn near dislocated my shoulder," she complained.

"Bad day at work, dear?" 

Kaya shot Joker a particularly venomous look that caused his eyebrows to shoot up. "You could say that," she growled. 

"Remind me to never get on your bad side," he said with a raised eyebrow, turning back to the console. 

"Shepard!" Kaya called out over her private comm line. "Your husband is a mean son of a bitch, you know that? He's worse than Jack. I didn't know that was physically possible."

The only response on the other end of the line was unending laughter, so Kaya hung up. _Man, we have got to wrap this up so I can get off this damn ship. Settle down in a clinic somewhere nice and quiet. And gun-free. Although, that would mean–_

"Are we actually angry at Garrus? Because I'm not sure I can survive an altercation with our favorite turian," Joker quipped. "I mean, I'll defend you. To the death. But, it won't be a very long fight."

"No, we're not actually angry at Garrus. Much," Kaya sighed. _To the death, huh?_ "Just annoyed at the fact that he doesn't know how to give up on a lost cause."

She undid her ponytail, running her fingers through her hair. It was starting to grow back in on her right side, becoming a soft down instead of a spiky, scarred mess. She was considering cutting it all off, but Kaya had not willingly cut her hair for a couple of years. She curled up into a ball on the seat, musing over that question while she closed her eyes. Tali came over the speaker to ask Joker something about the drive core, leaving Kaya to her own troubled thoughts.

God damn, her shoulder hurt like a bitch. Her arm hung limply at her side in the cooling wrap, and Kaya was thinking about getting some better pain medications. That was when she realized, with a start, that she had been forgetting to take her SSRI and antipsychotic. After spending the night on Rannoch, she had gotten out of the habit.

_Shit. I should go – no, too tired. After a nap._  

Joker finished talking to Tali about some upgrade to the Normandy, and he turned his chair to face Kaya. "You're not a lost cause," he said. 

"Tell that to all the bottles left standing in the cargo bay," she said sleepily.

Just a short nap. Then she would go take her pills.

As she drifted off, Kaya could hear Liara and Kaidan talking down in their cabin. They were laughing about their previous pining over Shepard, all those years ago when they went after Saren. Romance was a strange thing, and Kaya fell asleep thinking of little blue babies.

* * *

_A second wave of energy was coming at them, blocking all their sensors as they tried to outrun it. The first one had brought their kinetic barriers down to half capacity. Too much more of this and they'd all be spaced. There was another flash of red as the Normandy shook violently. Systems started going down one by one._

_"EDI, find us a place to land!" There was no response. Joker's hands were flying over the console as he did everything in his power to keep them functional. "EDI!"_

_He looked over. She was still. Quiet. Unmoving, despite the chaos._ God damn it! Not now! _Whatever had taken out some of their systems must have messed up the A.I. core. But, she was fine. She had to be._

_"Traynor!" he called back to the C.I.C. "A place to land! Now!"_  

_And Sam, bless her, did find a place in all the static._

_"Hold on, everyone! This landing's gonna be one rough son of a bitch."_  

_It took everything he had to get the Normandy down in one piece. With so many systems offline, it was worse that the Collector base. It was even worse than five fucking minutes ago when Shepard ordered a damn evacuation in the middle of a hot zone. With fucking Harbinger breathing down their neck. What the hell was she thinking?_

_"Joker, are you okay?" Liara ran up behind them as the dust was settling. She tried to start a scan with her Omni-tool, but something was wrong. That energy wave appeared to have taken down more than just half the Normandy's systems._

_"Liara, I'm fine," Joker insisted. "Somehow, nothing's broken. God damn, what the hell did Shepard do?"_

_Shepard. The two of them exchanged a look. No. She had to be – he wouldn't even let himself think it._

_"EDI, are you back online yet?"_

_He looked over at her chassis, lying motionless in the copilot's chair. Then, he noticed something wrong. Her body was burned, and not from the fighting. He got up. Walked over. People were yelling about injuries. Damage reports. Kaidan had crawled up from the hangar bay – the elevator was taking too damn long – to find out their status. He said Garrus was in bad shape. They needed Dr. Chakwas._  

_Joker held her hand. It was cold. He had to get down to the A.I. core and find out what happened. She would be alright. She had to be alright. They both had to be._

_"Only now do I feel truly alive. That was your influence, Shepard."_

_The vision shifted. The stench of death was everywhere as she shuffled through an unknown place on the citadel. Piles of bodies in various states of decay littered the passageway. Keepers scurried over them to continue their work._

_Things shifted again. Nothing was solid anymore. Nothing was where it was supposed to be._

_He was back on earth, with Kaidan dragging him toward the Normandy. "I love you," Garrus said._ Don't go.

_Then the collectors were attacking the Normandy, months before. "What about the crew?"_

_"They are gone, Jeff. The collectors took them."_

_He stood in the engine room, feeling empty. What could he have felt? What normal human emotions could even come close to watching your entire crew get taken by monsters?_

_"Are you feeling well, Jeff?"_

_"No. But, thanks for asking."_

_They were back on Earth again. Rather, they were on the Normandy, flying away from the planet with the hangar bay door still open. The little boy climbed into the shuttle, struggling. Why was no one helping him? A reaper was closing in. She wanted to shout at them to run, but what good could it do from here?_  

_She was standing in a lab on Noveria, watching her mother die._  

_He was on Jump Zero, slamming into a turian with a lethal blast of biotic power._

_She was making a choice on Virmire._

_She was destroying the alpha relay._

_"Ten billion people over here die, so twenty billion over there can live." He looked at her acceptance of the ruthless calculus with concern. This disregard for individual lives was his domain, not hers. Hadn't they fought about it, years before? It was something she stubbornly refused to believe for so long. And now–_

_He was making a decision in a shuttle above Fehl Prime, screaming as they broke away from the Collector ship._

_He was lying in the medical bay, screaming, and not from the physical pain. How could they have left her there? What were they thinking? What the hell kind of order was that, turning and running away? They should have stayed on Earth!_

_She banged against the glass, as one of the colonists screamed. Her flesh began to dissolve, and she writhed in agony. "They're still alive!"_

The screaming kept going, long after everything else had gone to black.

 


	20. Shattered

"Dr. Chakwas! Get up to the bridge! Now!"

Kaya's mouth was frozen in a silent scream, her head thrown back unnaturally and her arms contorted. Her eyes had rolled up, so only the whites could be seen. She was seizing. Joker jumped up from his chair, feeling a sharp pain as his femur protested the motion, and ran over to her position. He took firm hold of her shoulders, trying to keep her convulsing body steady.

Joker had never heard her make that noise. Never heard _anyone_ make anything close. It was a gasping, guttural sound that went on forever. Weeks ago, when Kaya woke up after the Sanctuary nightmare, she had been screaming in fear. Since then, nightmarish memories of those terrifying moments in the observation lounge had awoken Joker a few times. He had spent more than a few sleepless nights wondering when another episode like that would return. 

This was so much worse than anything he imagined.

The sight of it even unnerved Dr. Chakwas for a moment when she made it into the cockpit. She gave Kaya a shot of some sedative, and Kaya's muscles suddenly relaxed beneath Joker's hands. Her head slumped forward, and her breathing restarted.

Chakwas ordered a couple of privates to help with a stretcher, and Joker could only stand back and watch in horror as they strapped her to the board. He followed after them, with Chakwas holding the elevator when he could not keep pace. He wanted to scream at them to just go, but he trusted the doctor's judgment. She was scanning Kaya with her Omni-tool, but Chakwas placed a reassuring hand on Joker's shoulder as she worked.

Inside the medical bay, Dr. Chakwas directed the privates to set Kaya's motionless body down on the oversized table by the window. It was the bed designed for krogan. Joker was inappropriately reminded of the time Mordin gave him some rather _helpful_ advice, as Bakara surely looked on from that spot. Of course Mordin had not considered  _shutting the hell up_ when Shepard walked into the medbay. The Commander had used that ammunition  _mercilessly_ for the remainder of the war.

_"Don’t worry," she teased as Joker groaned, "he gave me and Garrus advice, too. Actually, it was pretty helpful stuff."_

"That leg's not going to mend itself," Chakwas chided, pointing expectantly to the table.

Joker was snapped back to reality by her authoritative tone and the pain shooting up his leg. It was definitely fractured. He had barely felt it during their trip down from the upper deck. Adrenaline and pure worry were very potent drugs. 

Joker did not remember Chakwas even running a scan on him. Maybe she did not have to. She had been taking care of him so long that there was no hiding even the smallest hairline fracture from the good doctor. So, he obliged her by sitting gingerly on the table. He slipped his hand in Kaya's and took a deep breath. There was something deeply perturbing about how limp and unresponsive her hand was in his.

Joker waited for the ringing in his ears to die down before asking, "What the hell was that?"

Chakwas did not answer his somewhat rhetorical question as she set to assembling some equipment. There was some kind of specialized scanner that she placed over Kaya's face. Joker looked out the med bay window to the crew deck, and he saw the whole damn ship gathered there. He vaguely remembered Chakwas shooing them away as the stretcher was brought in. Shepard was talking to Garrus, their heads pressed together. Jack was pacing up and down the Mess, glowing blue and looking ready to murder something. James and Kaidan were both sitting at the dining table, staring intently at the grain of the wood. Liara was standing by the window, a sad smile on her face when he met her eyes.

Tali ran up from engineering as the Doctor placed an IV, "to keep her heart rate steady." The quarian placed a gloved, three-fingered hand on the glass. Joker shook his head with a  smile and placed his hand against hers.

"Is she going to be okay or not?" Joker asked tersely.

Chakwas looked up at Joker, seeming to find something in his gaze that she did not trust. He was sure he looked manic or feral, nothing but grief and unanswered questions.

"I'm not sure, Jeff," she said in a measured, professional voice. They could sing battle hymns about Shepard any day. But, if the world ever ended again, Joker wanted Chakwas's unflappable coolness at his side. "It would appear that it was in fact an epileptic seizure–"

She trailed off in a disconcerting way, leaving Joker to prompt her. "But?"

"There's something off with her neural readings. I think her biotic implant might have caused this. Malfunctioned."

_Son of a bitch. I'm glad that motherfucker shot himself in the head._

"There's something else," he said, reading Chakwas's expression.

"Right before her seizure started, her neural signs indicated an _episode._ "

"You don't have to dance around it, Doc," Joker said, seeing the hesitation in Chakwas's eyes. "I know about Kaya's PTSD. Did a night terror somehow cause this?"

Chakwas was frowning as she looked at her Omni-tool. "I believe – Joker, do you know if Kaya was off her medication? Her blood work–"

"I – I dunno," Joker said uncertainly, trying to think back. After Rannoch, he had started sleeping with Kaya on the observation deck. They pushed the couches together, creating a kind of fort. It was amazing that Shepard hadn't taken them both to task for it. She had to know, and it was against twelve different regulations. Joker had counted.

_Kaya laughed. "If_ that's _what you call a fort, you had a very depressing childhood."_

Joker shook his head, as if he could brush the memory away. He had seen her take her medication, once, although he did not know what it was at the time. But, had she taken it recently? He could not remember. He had been too focused on the comforting feeling of falling asleep with someone in his arms. 

_Damn it._  

"I didn't think – I didn't realize–" 

Chakwas put a hand on his shoulder. "This was not your responsibility, Jeff. It was mine. Patients with bipolar disorder sometimes–"

"Wait, what?" Joker's head snapped up. He knew about the PTSD, but this was new.

Chakwas looked horrified for a moment, having broken her oath. But, when she realized there was no turning back, she explained, "It sometimes happens concurrently with PTSD. The medication can have unpleasant side-effects, though. Sometimes patients forget to take their pills."

"Forget? Or ignore?" Joker choked out.

Chakwas's refusal to answer was telling.

"She's going to wake up though, right?" Joker's voice was barely more than a hoarse whisper. His throat felt tight, and he tugged at his collar with his free hand.

Chakwas checked her Omni-tool. "I've put her into a medically induced coma. It's standard procedure for an implant that malfunctions like this. Based on these readings, I won't be able to bring her out of it for a day or two. I'm sorry, Jeff. But, we won't know more until she wakes up."

Joker was finding it difficult to choke back the tears. But, he was not about to cry in front of the whole damn crew. He had only ever let Shepard see him break, when she came back from the dead for a second time. Even after EDI, he kept his mourning private.

Dr. Chakwas lowered the blinds on the med bay windows and exited the room, leaving him to do the same now.

* * *

When Kaya awoke, everything ached. For a minute, she thought she was back on the Citadel, coming out of cryostasis with Miranda and Liara hovering over her. Her head was throbbing. If she had not already been in the med bay, Kaya would have run down to Dr. Chakwas, worried that she was having a stroke. The pain was that excruciating. 

Kaya tried to sit up, but she found her hands and feet were restrained. Her breathing started to come in short, rapid bursts as Omega came to mind. A friendly hand gripped at her shoulder as the glowing orange shackles fell away.

"It's alright, Kaya. You move too much in your sleep, even sedated. You ripped out your IV once," Karin's voice said softly.

It took a couple of minutes for the panic to subside. Kaya wanted to scream at her newfound mentor. She suspected she would have, too, if her head was not already throbbing. _Surely modern medical schools teach you not to shackle someone who was fucking restrained and tortured. Give me a heart attack, why don't you, doc._

Kaya felt someone's hand in hers, and she turned to look at Jeff. He was sleeping uneasily next to her. His eyes, even closed, were clearly red with crying. The sight made her feel uneasy. The guilt made her want to vomit. Then again, that could have just been the blinding pain and receding panic.

"What the hell happened?" she growled.

"You had a seizure, Kaya. Your implant overloaded your CNS in response to a sharp increase in neural activity," Dr. Chakwas said calmly, refusing to respond to the acid in Kaya's voice. The memories of the night terror flooded back, a sudden torrent crashing down inside Kaya's skull, and she visibly winced as she tried to repress them. "I had to keep you under for three days. Your heart rate kept spiking up. Your blood pressure reached 180 over 100 at one point. You must feel like hell."

"Understatement of the year. Or the past seventy," Kaya groaned, slowly sitting up. The effort made her head scream out in protest, but she had been lying down long enough. Even the sudden urge to vomit was not going to keep her bedridden. "Coming out of cryostasis didn't feel this bad. And I was pretty much dead."

Chakwas nodded, looking at some readings on her Omni-tool. "I took you off any sedatives or pain medication to bring you out of the coma. I'm starting a hydromorphone drip now. It should help with the headache. I also restarted your SSRI and antipsychotic."

Kaya winced at the disapproval in Chakwas's voice. "I know. I fucked up. This is my fault." 

"I would hardly say that," Chakwas chided. "You're not the one who put an unstable biotic implant in your skull." 

"Still, I – Karin, I was too embarrassed to ask anyone to bring me my meds on Rannoch," Kaya said, forcing herself to meet Chakwas's eyes. "And then I just got off schedule, and–"

"And I trust it's a mistake you won't make again," Chakwas interrupted. "Back before you were with us, going off your medication meant manic episodes. Running away from the most dangerous intelligence agency on the planet.Oh yes, I got access to _those_ files. Kaya, listen. You can't do this again. Now, it's a hell of a lot more dangerous. If I wasn't a minute's jog away–"

"I know," Kaya nodded, looking down at Joker. She took a deep breath to combat the tightness in her throat. "I did this, though. I did this to him. I mean – did you even think I was going to wake up?"

"It was touch and go there, for a while," Chakwas admitted.

"He hasn't left, has he?" – Chakwas shook her head, and Kaya took a shaky, bracing breath. – "Can we–"

The doctor nodded and wrapped up her scan. "I'll give you two some privacy." 

Kaya laid back down on the table, waiting for the pain medication to kick in and the tightness in her throat to ebb. She did not want to break down and cry into Joker's shoulder again. And, besides, if he woke up now, they would have to talk. Kaya did not want to talk.

She might have rested there for five minutes or an hour, watching him sleep dreamlessly. Eventually, though, she had to face the music. She had a feeling this particular tune would involve a healthy dose of extra guilt. Kaya rolled onto her side. She squeezed Joker's hand and put her free fingers lightly to his cheek. When his eyes fluttered open, she found his emotional state strangely hard to read. He was relieved. And scared. And angry.

Karin had told him about the medication. About her _other_ mental disorder. The memories of his newfound worry and broken trust were fresh on the surface of Joker's mind.  

Her turned onto his side, studying Kaya's eyes. Like he was checking to see if it was really her. Then, he used his free arm to pull her into a hug. He squeezed her so tightly Kaya knew it had to hurt him. She had been trying so hard not to, but Kaya found herself sobbing as he pressed his forehead to hers.

"I'm sorry," she choked. Joker made to interrupt her, but she shook her head against his. "No. This is my fault."

"Bullshit," he whispered, his breath hot against her lips. "You forgot. And you had no way of knowing this would happen."

"I scared the shit out of you," she insisted. 

"Yeah, you did," he said, laughing nervously. "But, you're safe now. That's all that matters."

They lay like that for a long time. Joker's thumb made soothing circles on her back on her hand, while the pressure of his arm around her back was deeply comforting. _Safe._ She did feel safe, with him there. Kaya was very grateful she had kissed him a few nights ago. Waking up alone would have been hell.

Eventually, her headache was gone. Kaya smirked as she said, "Have you brushed your teeth at all in four days? Your breath reeks." 

He chuckled and kissed her lightly. "Oh, yeah, because yours really smells like sunshine and roses right now."

She sat up slowly and helped him up. Kaya un-shuttered the windows and saw that the crew deck was totally empty. "Where is everyone?"

"Shore leave, on Palaven. They finally got that damn peace summit scheduled." 

"On the Turian home world?" Kaya asked skeptically. "That seems–"

"Like a clusterfuck waiting to happen?" Joker said with a rueful smile. "Yeah. Can't say I envy Shepard and Garrus right now. But, apparently the Hierarchy refused to have it anywhere else."

"Well, on the upside, as long as nobody starts another war, I can see Palaven. And meet Wrex. That was on my bucket list." 

"Yeah, I don't think Chakwas would let you leave even if Shepard hadn't already, you know, made it _very_ clear that you're not allowed to go planet-side."

Kaya pouted. "Screw it. I feel fine. And I think we've both earned some shore leave. Shepard can yell at me about security concerns later. I think she has bigger problems right now."

"That is a terrible fucking idea," Joker said. He laughed and continued, "Stop with the sexy pouty face!"

She only made it a little more pronounced, and he groaned. "Come on. What time is it? We can chill here for a bit, make sure I'm fine, and then go grab some dinner at a real restaurant. Please?"

"Are you trying to get me fired?"

"Maybe," Kaya said. When Joker started shaking his head, she insisted, "Come on. With a damn interspecies peace summit going on, security has to be crazy tight. Cerberus isn't going to try and kidnap me in the middle of all of it. I'm _starving._ I mean, hell, I've been living off of an IV for four days. I need food."

"I am so going to regret this," Joker groaned, as Kaya grinned widely at her victory.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the resolution of this chapter seems a little ridiculous. But, I really wanted it to capture how impulsive and irresponsible both Joker and Kaya can be. I've always been intrigued by some of Joker's background, including the storyline in the "He Who Laughs Best" comic. This chapter and the next couple ones play off of that, while also establishing that (no matter how much she tried to convince herself otherwise) Kaya is thoroughly disturbed by her experiences on Omega.


End file.
